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Remembering

My very first memory I have is sitting in a cot. It is white and it has those funny looking soft animals on the inside. I always thought they looked weird and outdated. I am looking from inside my eyes and there are big bright green apple cupboard doors on the wall.

This is like a photo memory. A second of time. I only have a few memories from before we lived in the country. Mum and Dad got their house built when I was about 6.

I don’t remember going to kindergarten at all, not a single memory. I have three memories of living in Mum and Dad’s first house. I don’t know how old I was.

I was sitting in front of the big black and white tv watching Humphrey B Bear and Mum was standing behind me in her dressing gown doing the ironing. That is like a third person snapshot.

The other memory is of my brother pushing me into the bathwater because we were arguing about something and I had this horrible scratchy nightie on that I hated.

Oh I do also remember I had a balloon and my brother convinced me to let it go and he would get it back for me. We shared a room and slept in bunk beds. His was up the top and mine was down the bottom. Of course he would not get the balloon back down for me and I was so upset. He would do things like that all the time but that is for another day to write about.

The second house we lived in was a rental, Mum and Dad were in the process of building a house for us.

This house seemed to be filled with light for me. I don’t know why but I always thought of it as the sunny house. It seems to glow with happiness when I remember it. I only have one memory of living in this house. I went outside to get the milk for Mum. I was so excited and I remember the bottles were very big and hard to hold in my arms and as I got back to the door and I tried to open it the bottles slipped from my arms and smashed on the verandah. Oh I was so devastated, I cried my eyes out I was so disappointed and ashamed that I had broken the bottles. To me it felt like the world was ending and  I remember Mum coming out and picking me up and carrying me back inside.

I have another memory and I don’t remember which house it was in but it was in an old fashioned kitchen and it was sunny outside. I was sitting on the floor with my legs straight out like a little kid sits and there was an open drawer above me and I had a large sharp knife in my left hand and there were little cuts on my knees. It is like a photo image and I can see myself from behind. I have always thought this a very strange memory as I had no idea what I was doing for many years but I will come back to that at another time as well.

The second rental house that we lived in when I was little was a fibro house. It had no garden and no fences it just sat on a small block of land with large pine trees behind it all in a row. Huge trees they were. I guess that is why I used to think of it as “The Dark House”. For many years I did not know why but I only remember this house from a snapshot memory of it like a photo.

My memories really begin in the main house. My parents bought 7 acres off my paternal grandfather out the back of Rosebud on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, Australia.  The suburb was called Rye. It was mainly just empty acres of land with farms and bushland. It had a very long driveway from the road and my parents built the house on a hill overlooking the property. They did a lot of the inside work, flooring, kitchen, Dad built a bar and Mum did all the curtains, painting, wallpaper and carpet in the bedrooms. A friend of theirs was a bricklayer and he did a lot of the work.

We lived in this house from when I was 6 to when I was 17. I remember Mum and Dad’s bedroom was down one end of the house and our bedrooms were down the other. Im sure that also was deliberate. Having 4 children all from the age of 12 to 6 can get noisy I guess.

We were good kids from what I can remember. We had the normal fights and arguments I guess. My two older sisters were closer in age than my brother and I. They had shared a room until this house and my brother and I shared a room as well. The dynamics changed once we moved into this house as my brother got his own room and I shared with my sisters in one big room. I hated it. It was a big oblong room and I had the middle part and my sisters had each end. I hated how open it was. It had large built in wardrobes and I remember one time hiding in my section as I was scared. I had no idea what of.

Chaotic

Have you ever lived in a houseful of people?

Have you ever had time to yourself in said house?

It is few and far between….The last week I have really felt it….Everyone wants, needs or is demanding something and we just don’t have the money or are in the life situation at the moment to have it…and the others hate it…

“Why can’t I go out drinking and smoking and partying when I want!” Carnal demands….

“Why can’t I have ALL the things I want?” says the Littles …

“Why can’t I smoke and go out whenever I want?!” exclaims Ponyboy…

“Why can’t we have steak, chips and eat whatever we fucking want????” says Bull, Lucius and just about everybody…..

“Why can’t I buy ALL the craft I please???” …questions Mirriam….

“WHY WHY WHY????!!!!….

FUCK ME DEAD!!!!!

Because it is my fucking Life!!!!…because we don’t have it …because-because because!!this is what got us in trouble all my life with money…with people…with situations…!!!

You’re all driving me fucking crazy with your demands and wants….

Deal with it people….sighs…

 

More Sane

The last week seems to have seen me/us feeling more normal…I have no idea how it feels for other people inside their heads when they are feeling other…I don’t even know if I myself can explain it in words a normal sane person could understand…

The voices in the back of my mind….

The feelings that belong to someone else that feel like mine but they are not…Feeling other…Gyle has been here most of the time…I guess he makes me feel more normal than the others as they were never meant to live on the outside….only I was and Gyle…

Sometimes I think I was never the original person…that she is gone…I honestly do not know…I’m not even sure Gyle or the others know, remember or even care….as far as they are concerned we just are….we exist and that seems to be enough for them…I want more…I want to know…I want to learn and be able to validate who I am…

What I want is the secrets of the universe….lol…but how silly of me, no one will ever truly know I guess….

I feel very non-emotional today which is why I know it is mainly me…I don’t seem to feel deep emotions…the others do…the last few days someone has been feeling so much loneliness they have been crying…. they want someone in their lives who can complete them..to laugh with…to share life with…someone to love us just the way we are….

I must admit I would love this…maybe because I would love this so much I dissociate the emotions onto one of the others….maybe Carnal or Fifi…I don’t know…Gyle finds it very frustrating to be sure…

We are going to see Shane tonight…after much stalling and anxiety on his part..lol

Will be interesting to see how we go…

So Long

It feels like we have not been here forever…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin…

Serena has ended up in hospital on a drip with a blood clot in her brain and thyroid problems…

We have dropped Degustacion like a hot potato because what the fuck he was married and we hated the lying….

We had dinner with Jim and Ollie but decided we did not want to play with Jim so no go….

Andrew the prick decided to go and play with some other woman and obviously thought we were hard work…lol

Sunday night it is staying at Shannon and Shanes place…they are poly and have been together 19 years…she is a sub and he has always been vanilla…but would like to try BDSM….so we have been chatting for about a month now…we met and had lunch and omg they are both the best people….genuine and caring…so not promising anything but Shane is a sweetheart and we will only play with sweet submissives and slaves…none others we seem to find any interest in….

On the job front, we are in the process of signing up and doing volunteering with a local charity working in a day respite centre for the disabled close by….paperwork being done next week.

What? The fuck?!

What the fuck is wrong with you Serena?….. I know it’s not your fault that you ended up working longer than you thought you would…..to 5pm instead of 10am….I know it’s not your fault that instead of coming here to dinner you picked up your housemate from hospital and looked after her….but what the fuck is wrong with not messaging me…? What the fuck is wrong with being adult enough to give me yes/no answers instead of I’ll let you know…?bYou knew I had invited you for dinner….what the fuck is wrong with letting me know you were not coming? Did I not make myself clear enough…? Or do you just not care that I ran around all morning..cleaning..shopping and cooking most of the afternoon for you? To then wait and realise you were not going to show…and then when I ask you …you answer with a comment about having Friday off instead…so I ask to spend time with you then and you totally ignore my sms….or decide not to tell me your thoughts…..what the fucking fuck?

Am I a fucking idiot or something? What the fuck am I missing here folks? Am I too invested in someone who might be hedging their bets like Rubén said? Am I ignoring the red flags because I like her too much….? I am totally pissed off…frustrated and upset…she hardly ever writes or messages and never calls ever… It has been fucking six months and we met once like a month ago….this is ridiculous…I know she works ridiculously long hours..? I know she is unwell and I know she has taken it upon herself to look after her housemate who has cancer but what the fuck…?!!! How long do I have to fucking wait? She says she is looking for another job or retraining so she can get a less demanding job…..great I say…fantastic but here and now I’m fucking fed up with fucking waiting…..I want to just turn around and tell her to fuck it I’ve had enough of waiting…she has not shown me she is interested…do I expect too much…fuck…a couple of sms a day and I’d be a happy Chappy….I just cannot deal with this right now….I cannot stand long distance…I’m an impatient person and I don’t take my time like Serena….I feel like saying stop stringing me along and just fucking tell me already….!!

What will be will be…

Time gets away from me and literally runs and hides sometimes….

Yesterday… having a multiple moment… just reminds me how difficult it is coping in society with bills, work, etc… It wasn’t a serious mistake that was made but in my eyes any mistake is serious and I hate making mistakes… I hate forgetting anything… literally does something to my brain when I do… not sure if that is an Asperger’s thing or mpd or what…

Everything has to be organized and done to perfection… I do not understand grey areas… to me everything is black and white…I don’t understand why people are wishy washy..lol

Everything is very simple … it either is or it isn’t… there is no in between…

It is like the sky or the earth… there is no in between…

I have never been a fence sitter… in the past, I would try and see both sides of an argument and try to understand the grey but never did…

And I have now given up on that as it is not productive at all…

Since realizing I was aspie… it’s like I found a manual…. I am finding out things about me and my insiders every day…

Like that information about Pandora… or that Gyle liked mentoring transgender people…

Or that I prefer pre-op or transgender girls for relationships as I feel safe with a female person but love male bodies…

Or that the way I think is a symptom of Asperger’s… still blows me away that I am autistic… now and again I do doubt it but then something will happen and I will be like oh yeah… I am…lol

I feel everything so deeply… everything touches my heart… even a simple message from a friend can make me cry… sighs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….