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Remembering

My very first memory I have is sitting in a cot. It is white and it has those funny looking soft animals on the inside. I always thought they looked weird and outdated. I am looking from inside my eyes and there are big bright green apple cupboard doors on the wall.

This is like a photo memory. A second of time. I only have a few memories from before we lived in the country. Mum and Dad got their house built when I was about 6.

I don’t remember going to kindergarten at all, not a single memory. I have three memories of living in Mum and Dad’s first house. I don’t know how old I was.

I was sitting in front of the big black and white tv watching Humphrey B Bear and Mum was standing behind me in her dressing gown doing the ironing. That is like a third person snapshot.

The other memory is of my brother pushing me into the bathwater because we were arguing about something and I had this horrible scratchy nightie on that I hated.

Oh I do also remember I had a balloon and my brother convinced me to let it go and he would get it back for me. We shared a room and slept in bunk beds. His was up the top and mine was down the bottom. Of course he would not get the balloon back down for me and I was so upset. He would do things like that all the time but that is for another day to write about.

The second house we lived in was a rental, Mum and Dad were in the process of building a house for us.

This house seemed to be filled with light for me. I don’t know why but I always thought of it as the sunny house. It seems to glow with happiness when I remember it. I only have one memory of living in this house. I went outside to get the milk for Mum. I was so excited and I remember the bottles were very big and hard to hold in my arms and as I got back to the door and I tried to open it the bottles slipped from my arms and smashed on the verandah. Oh I was so devastated, I cried my eyes out I was so disappointed and ashamed that I had broken the bottles. To me it felt like the world was ending and  I remember Mum coming out and picking me up and carrying me back inside.

I have another memory and I don’t remember which house it was in but it was in an old fashioned kitchen and it was sunny outside. I was sitting on the floor with my legs straight out like a little kid sits and there was an open drawer above me and I had a large sharp knife in my left hand and there were little cuts on my knees. It is like a photo image and I can see myself from behind. I have always thought this a very strange memory as I had no idea what I was doing for many years but I will come back to that at another time as well.

The second rental house that we lived in when I was little was a fibro house. It had no garden and no fences it just sat on a small block of land with large pine trees behind it all in a row. Huge trees they were. I guess that is why I used to think of it as “The Dark House”. For many years I did not know why but I only remember this house from a snapshot memory of it like a photo.

My memories really begin in the main house. My parents bought 7 acres off my paternal grandfather out the back of Rosebud on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, Australia.  The suburb was called Rye. It was mainly just empty acres of land with farms and bushland. It had a very long driveway from the road and my parents built the house on a hill overlooking the property. They did a lot of the inside work, flooring, kitchen, Dad built a bar and Mum did all the curtains, painting, wallpaper and carpet in the bedrooms. A friend of theirs was a bricklayer and he did a lot of the work.

We lived in this house from when I was 6 to when I was 17. I remember Mum and Dad’s bedroom was down one end of the house and our bedrooms were down the other. Im sure that also was deliberate. Having 4 children all from the age of 12 to 6 can get noisy I guess.

We were good kids from what I can remember. We had the normal fights and arguments I guess. My two older sisters were closer in age than my brother and I. They had shared a room until this house and my brother and I shared a room as well. The dynamics changed once we moved into this house as my brother got his own room and I shared with my sisters in one big room. I hated it. It was a big oblong room and I had the middle part and my sisters had each end. I hated how open it was. It had large built in wardrobes and I remember one time hiding in my section as I was scared. I had no idea what of.

Stupid

I still feel so stupid… fuck…

I dont know if I can live with them anymore… I cant handle the thought of everything being taken away from me again…

and that kills me… the thought of what I would be leaving behind me…

My children.. I cant stand the thought of hurting them in such a way…

But Im not sure I can live this way anymore…

Someone somewhere is laughing at me… at this huge joke they played on me…

I just want to go away .. disappear and not come back… if that means dying… maybe that would be best…

I have fought being suicidal since I was 3 years old.. and I wanted to cut my hand off… because he made me touch him… how long do I have to fight to survive… I am so tired of having to fight these feelings, of being this way inside my mind… I feel like everything that I wanted… has been snatched away..

My future my goals.. I want to say I will fight .. I will survive… I can do this… but I just dont know if I can anymore… Im so tired… tired of trying.. of trying to get better …

I need someone to just pick me up and carry me those last few metres ….to the finish line…

Am I Stupid

Am i Stupid or something?

Should I just not be honest with people …?

I dont understand the big deal?

Yes my diagnosis is not ‘officially’ confirmed…

But my psychologist went through the DMV with me… and I have two of the criteria…

I identify strongly with other women with Aspergers…

I lost count of how many of the symptoms that I do or have..

What else does Ruben want me to say?

That Im sorry .. that I think I am Aspergers… what the fuck?

If I keep everything to myself and just stop talking about it … maybe that will make her life easier to deal with… maybe its worrying to her…

Maybe she looks at me as a person with a mental illness now that she is studying psychology

and not as her mother..

That is what hurts…

That she could look at me and not see me… that she just sees my mental illness…. my other symptoms…

And does not stop and actually listen to what I am saying to her….

I dont understand when it is so clear to me.. why its not to other people

Am I really crazy… am I a self involved atention seeking narcissist…

 

I can feel a meltdown coming on.. fuck I hate this

 

 

Meltdown

So.. last night was a meltdown… Ive had them all my life but I never knew they had a name… I always hid them… made sure no one new…..

Since finding out about Aspergers its like I can find labels for things that happen to me…

Im looking more at my internal stuff and slowly working things out…

I still felt a bit horrible this morning… but it slowly went away..

I still feel awful about my others being back and very foolish and naive that I thought they were gone.. it still feels like the universe has played a horrible trick on me…

I still feel.. like they could snatch my future from me… my goals.. my aspirations…

Its horrible living like this…. I never knew that before… I always accepted it and thought I was ok being multiple… I did not see because I was inside my mental illness.

Now ive had time without them.. Ive been able to do things… to start to get somewhere in my life… and now they are back I just see it all disappearing in front of my eyes…

I dont want them in my life… in my head and certainly not taking over.. ever again…

 

Screaming Inside

Yes I am screaming inside….it hit me tonight….really bad…I had a meltdown…..I never had normal meltdowns like other aspies….oh no I had to be fucking different… Because of the others…no attention is good attention my meltdowns were always screams on the inside…id curl up on my bed and scream and scream and scream…tears streaming down my face….

No one but the others ever heard me scream…..sometimes they would scream with me.

It hit me tonight…..what that brush against my mind meant….they were back…and were never gone….I feel like the whole universe is laughing at me….like I was tricked…one big fucking joke and I was the only one who didn’t understand the punchline… Well I fucking get it now don’t I?

im freaking out inside… I want to burn…I want to cut..I want to do everything I can to make this go away…I feel like they have stolen  my life all over again…..because now I see my future gone..my dreams..my Serena….play partners..my family…all fucking gone….they will take everything from me again…steal my life again…

I can’t ….I can’t go through that again….I can’t..they have taken everything away from me….I’m dying inside…I can’t do this again…I had three months of freedom…of rebuilding my life again… Dear god you must fucking hate me to be so cruel…

i want to die…I can’t do this over and over again..I have struggled to rebuild my life and they tear it down again and again……I have lost track of the times I have had to fix their messes and mistakes in my life…I can’t do this…

 

Crave

Some days I crave the written word… I crave to write… to spill my blood upon the paper… to express everything I am feeling before it consumes my mind in fire…

Some days… my mind feels like im on speed… the music playing shudders inside my mind and pleasure rushes up the back of my head and electrifies the top of my mind…

Yes some days music is a drug… the physical sensations I get… from listening to music set my mind on fire with pleasure…

Is there a name for this… maybe I need to google it…

Ohh Music is patterns.. maybe that is why.. or Im just fucked up..lololol

Genderqueer

Every day my understandings of myself and the people and relationships I have grow.

Everything moves so fast..

Already I have three subs willing and able to play and be a part of my journey and I theirs.

A dom who wants me to peg him…

And as always Serena.. who I am cautiously falling for… I say cautiously because Im trying to save my heart from being broken once again but I fear it is too late…

We are taking it slow and just emailing each other … which I am happy to do.. I dont want her to think I would demand more than she can give…. I dont want her to draw back and get scared… I know people might think I am silly for thinking she is a fragile flower but I cannot help it.. people who are transgender go through so much shit in their lives and they build walls .. very high walls so no one can get in… and with the abuse she had as a child and the life she has led.. well… I can tell you many people would have given up long ago and been rotting in the ground..

She did try once .. but the gun misfired…

I know I am a silly woman to romanticize love. Havent I learnt my lesson yet?..

Obviously not… the heart can take a lot of hits before it gives out completely…

Each relationship I have is a jolt of electricity to restart the hope again..

Is this the one? Is this the person for me?…

Each time they lose interest in me or fail my expectations… the heart stops beating again… is that the same for everyone..? Is that what it is like looking for love?

As a child… having the parental love betrayed… it colored my eyes… to the way I see and interact with others.. I had no set boundaries I could follow…

Friendship offered was like… Oh they like me? do they want sex? are they interested in me sexually?  It was confusing to say the least.

As a teenager… i had crushes on the couple of friends I had.. girls.. i thought I was gay for many years.. then I gave up as I could not find anyone to be gay with ..lololol

The things we think as a teenager…hilarious…

I am not gay, lesbian or really bisexual..

I think i am more pansexual.. its not genders that I am attracted to but more the soul of a person… their personality.. who they are… male or female, trans, asexual… it doesnt matter… people are who they are… its their life experiences that make that up..

So lol Im a kinky fucker…

The only time I ever feel the least bit female is when Im aroused or playing…

No idea why…

Otherwise I guess I feel right in the middle.. not female but not male.. so genderqueer..

hmmm….

 

 

 

Why Psychology?

Why do I want to go into psychology? Why does it fascinate me?

I guess when you look at the big picture of my life and my beginnings… I was abused by my father and that is something that doesnt happen to everyone.

I have always wanted to know why… why did he do that…. what brought him to that point in his life where he decided to follow that desire…

I have never understood why people do the things they do… violence against one another.. killing, maiming, torture… rape, abuse, sexual abuse, bullying.

The list goes on… where do people get to the point where their urges and cravings take over their lives..

I find it completely fascinating… that is one of the reasons I am a mistress…. getting into a submissive brain and working on his kinks, desires and fetishes fascinates me…

I have been talking to a couple of submissive’s. I met a very nice sissy sub yesterday for coffee and we have agreed to play. He is a very genuine person and I like that. I cannot stand people who are fake.

Thursday I am meeting and could play with on first meet a sub I have been chatting to on and off for a year. We have now crossed paths again and are able to play together.. . he blows my mind with the things he says and does.

What is it about some people you meet that you just click with or have just met and its like meeting someone you have known for years.

Why do we feel like that? What motivates us to be social or solitary creatures…

All of this fascinates me…