Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Love, Quote

Full Circle

There are points in your life that are pivotal and when I realised I had come full circle in my journey, the processes that I set in place changed everything.

Telling Boi I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him, that I didn’t want long-term with him, I didn’t want marriage with him, telling him to find other lovers if he wanted someone to live with and to marry. Telling him I would always be poly because that just seems to be who I am, I will always be a Cuckoldress.

Leaving Feltlife and deleting my account because it had not interested me for a long time.

Telling R I would always be available to talk, be his friend but I would no longer push him for a real relationship even though that was what I wanted.

Finding out I was abused by a babysitter’s husband during my early years, as well as my father through flashbacks.

Coming to terms with no longer having the constant companionship of my insiders, and finding the strength within myself to accept being truly alone.

Finding my passion for teaching and mentoring others coming back, my passion for learning about anything and everything.

Coming to the realisation that my biological family will never believe the incest happened and letting go of looking for validation from them.  Closing the door on my relationships with them once and for all, and walking away. I felt a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Coming to the realisation I am a true introvert, an I N F J .  I have always followed my gut instincts about people, and I have always been very empathetic.

Realising I am happy to just be who I am. I don’t need a lot of people in my life to be happy, I am happy with doing my own thing. I will always follow my own road and not the crowd in my relationships with others and life.

Setting boundaries with other people for my emotional and mental health, putting myself first instead of always considering other peoples wants and needs, and not caring about being judged anymore.

For the first time in my life accepting and loving myself for who I am, knowing how much I bring to the table in life experience, wisdom, empathy, caring and compassion. Really knowing deep within myself how lucky anyone would be to have me in their life.

Not allowing toxic people in my life anymore.

Seeing my psych again because I am no longer afraid of facing and discussing my childhood abuse. Discussing my family relationships, looking for insights into the why and looking at what happened through a different lens.

For the first time feeling truly angry about my abuse.

Accepting R back into my life on my terms only.

Having Boi in my life on my terms.

Understanding for the first time in my life what love is and the difference between “loving someone” and “being in love”.

Coming to the understanding,  that for me, being dominant is deep down, not what I do, or wear, or say but who I am inside. That I am dominant without my insiders, without Carnal and Pandora, without Bdsm, without having outside forces defining what being dominant is for me.

And I love being who I am, I love knowing Boi is scared of me, I love being sadistic, hurting Boi, and R. I love making them bow to my will because they love my control, they love who I am. When I show my dominant face, I am domination personified.

Having R ask me to marry him and have him as my cuck slave husband, and accepting his proposal, having Boi accept he will only ever be my sub but with the knowledge, I will always be his Mistress for as long as he wants me to be.

Not being afraid anymore of anything, not my past, not new experiences, and definitely not failing because I know whatever I put my mind and heart into,  I will succeed.

If you want it hard enough, the universe will always give you what you need. I no longer see life as a struggle but as an exciting challenging journey.

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Life in General

Growth

How do you tell someone you are no longer the person they once knew. How do you tell them that your internal world has changed so much from what it used to be that you can no longer conceivably understand the way you used to be… That the thought processes, the beliefs, the fears you used to fear are no more. 

When I used to feel stress… I now feel challenge.

When I used to feel fear… I now feel strong.

When I used to feel anxious or nervous… I now feel excited for what is to come.

It is only through facing and moving through our fears, our pain that we can evolve and grow to be who we want to be as a person.

I no longer have my insiders, they are now officially retired. I had to learn to live without their constant companionship. I had to relive the trauma of my childhood not because it was part of being mentally ill but because it was time for me to truly grow and evolve and it was part of my journey.

I had to learn what it was like to live alone, truly alone just like everyone else does who lives alone. I found out I can do it but I do not like it. I like holding the people I love close to my heart, I like letting them know how much I care and appreciate them. I have learnt what it is to love another person and also the difference between loving someone and actually being in love. I have learnt the meaning of soulmates. I have two in my life, Ruben my middle child who drove me bonkers when they were growing up, but we have always had a special bond. And the love of my life,  who I love, and who through meeting him changed me irrevocably into the person I am today. Not because he did anything but because he showed me I could believe in myself. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Life in General, Love

Marriage! What!

I just had to have the title as marriage. It is always good to keep people guessing. It has been so long since I have been here and written, to be honest, I haven’t missed it. So much has been going on in my life. Sighs.

You know when everything is going ok, it is not good but you are just moseying along and then things start derailing, and more things and then you are just totally snowed under, stuck, thinking what the fuck ?!

Well, that was me. My flashbacks had started changing, they weren’t about my dad anymore but about someone called Poppy. Boi was pushing me to commit myself to him and I just wanted things to stay the same. R commented we should get married, and because I looked so shocked he would even think of getting married again he told me to think about it. In our next meeting, he took it back in the following conversation, saying he wasn’t sure he could live with someone again as his previous marriage was so acrimonious. And I’m like seriously… make your mind up, lol.

But the thing is I understand how marriage can fuck you up, I mean look at me and my ex-marriages, I have two behind me. But I was miffed at him because, to be honest even though I hadn’t thought of it before because he was always so adamant about not letting me in his life, the thought of being married to Rashid made me feel deliriously happy.

The weekend before R mentioned marriage I had to step all over Boi’s ideas of us living together in the future, I love him, I love who he is and I adore spending time with him but honestly, I am not in love with him and to let him think otherwise would be wrong. He had been pushing for a while for me to commit to him, and he did admit he is like a bull at a gate, as other people have said to him. He is growing as a person and a submissive, we have gotten closer as well, he has told me things he would never tell a single soul and I hold that trust very dearly. He is happy to spend what time I can with him as his friend/lover/mistress and I reassure him constantly how much I love and adore who he is. I know one day he will find someone who will be happy just being with him. And I will cry when that day happens but I will be so happy for him. I know at times he feels hurt but pain is growth, I learnt this at an early age, and I want Boi to look outside the square, to see that life and relationships are not set but fluid, that we can make our lives what we want them to be without being afraid of being judged by narrow people. I know he worries constantly about how others see him.

So… back to R because he is my favourite topic to discuss, lol. He rang me a few weeks after I asked him if he was serious about getting married. Now, R never asks me questions outright, not when it comes to him I have noticed. He will always phrase his questions differently and he will bring come at subjects from the side.

So… I hear the words on the phone “You know that question you asked me at New Farm Park….” (makes me laugh he does this because I am a much blunter person, I will come out and ask bluntly as can be) “You mean when I asked you if you were serious about getting married?” “Yes, that one”.  I said teasingly, ” But you don’t want to get married again”.  “Could you marry your cuck slave?” My heart smiled, “Yes… I would marry my cuck slave”. After that, I just have a vague recollection of what we spoke about. We both want the certificate, that we are official. I will always have one bull and one sub to play with, and R will be my cuck slave husband. Sighs… Life is good in that direction. Rashid is a true cuck, seeing his ring on my finger as I hold a bulls cock in my hand is his way of making love to me. Strange to others maybe but the most beautiful thought to this Cuckoldress.

This is what we are to each other, without R, my interest in cuckolding, bulls and multiple partners is zip. He makes everything shinier, worthwhile, having him as mine makes me want to be a better person. Not for him, but a better person for me. I am not sure I could explain what we are to each other in a way that anyone could understand. He doesn’t complete me as a person but… he makes my life feel more complete.

R mentioned something about living apart… whether he was serious or not, maybe he thought I wouldn’t want to live with him, I am starting to realise that when he said he was a very humble person, he really is… How this truly amazing man would think I would not want to live with him just makes me gobsmacked, but I asked a friend who was submissive about it, and she said it was because he was a slave and he truly does see himself as lower than the dirt on my shoes. I knew when he used to say it, that he believed it but it is a different thing to really understand that within my own mind, that he truly does.

We haven’t even discussed the logistics, where, when, whatever. Lol. But I know I would not be satisfied until we were living together, and I am finding I am very good at getting my own way.  If he needed his own space then we would make sure he had that, as privacy even between couples if needed is paramount for me, it is part of a trust.

Love

The Roti Place

He called and it was like things had never stopped between us. My last message, some of the things I had said had obviously hit home. I don’t remember the exact wording, but we spoke at length, although he did most of the talking. The chemistry between us is just as strong as it ever was. Nearly 18 months and still I have so much love for him, his mind drives me crazy, I just have such a hunger for him, to be with him. I know it is the same for him, we are a drug to each other. He has waited so long to see the real me and Sunday morning he got to see that. He said he had waited so long, I wonder if it was worth it… lol.

We met at 8 pm at The Roti Place, we had a simple meal. And it was perfect, I doubt it would matter where we were, just being with him makes me happy and content. He is just as damaged as I am. He said, “I love you”. I have no idea if we will ever live together, he is such an introvert and a recluse, he has deliberately shut everyone except a few people out of his life.

Our talks he doesn’t have with anyone else, which I find strange. He doesn’t share who he really is with people who know him, even his family he only shows one side, and that makes me cry for him so much. I know what that is like and that he shows who he is to me, just makes me cry, (I don’t pity him, but I see a man who is lonely for a deep connection with someone) because he is a beautiful human being. His soul shines so brightly, how can anyone not fall in love with him. The Fates must be laughing because here is a man I could happily marry and spend my life with and even though he loves me, he never wants to marry again and I don’t know whether that means he doesn’t want someone to live with one day or just not get married. And that was what I want, to live with someone, spend my life with him.

After dinner we went and got a coffee, we went to New Farm Park and we sat and talked for hours. It was so late the park gates got closed and I had to drive out the bike lane, lol. We then came back here and we talked, kissed, touched, laughed, how I laughed. He delights in amusing me, he loves that I call him Pet. We talked about sissification, he wore pink panties for me. And I do have to say he looked so fucking sexy. I tortured his nipples and I kicked him three times in the balls, god I love that. I don’t know why but it is his reaction that drives me, knowing he craves me to kick his balls, makes me want to do it even more. He mouthfucked my feet, god, he does it like he is the hungriest man on earth. The second time I was totally cold and ignored him, he got very emotional and said how I made him feel so pathetic or some such words. He craves my cold side, he said he could see my soul through my eyes when I was. And when he craves my pain, I see his soul shining inside him. When he is on his hands and knees and he cannot see what I am doing but is just kneeling there awaiting his fate. That, is total submission, accepting my pain.

Love

Life

it feels strange now to write here knowing the only audience that will ever be reading this will be me, myself and I. (I had made my site private for a few months). But I had to write, I had to sing, I had to scream. My soul is reaching for the stars like it is filled with rocket fuel. My love has come home to me and for the first time in my life I feel a sense of contentment within me. But it also is painful because something so beautiful makes me heart scream. Because something so beautiful can destroy us. Because nothing will ever be so perfect as something that you have always wanted but it is never what you think it is. It is never what you thought it would be like. I was always looking outside of myself for love for someone else to show me that I was loveable. I always looked outside myself for acceptance. And now I have found someone who has shown me that it is possible to love and accept myself, it comes with a realisation that maybe I am too damaged to want marriage with anyone else but him. And the thing is, the one person I would marry doesn’t believe in it or I think even want to live with someone. And now I am grieving for a dream I always had knowing that I will never have that with him. But I do not think less of him for it, in a way it makes the words he spoke to me ‘I love you’, all the more poignant. All the more meaningful. We know what we are to each other but we know not what our future will be.

Autism, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Update

Not seeing Boi over the weekend was hard, especially when we both had made plans to see other people and then the other parties both bailed. Neither of us was happy as we could have spent the Saturday night together. Oh well, as Boi likes to be annoying and say “Absence makes the heart fonder”, which is a load of crock as far as I’m concerned. I was so pissed off, but I went and saw a friend for lunch and I have a lot of studies to do atm, an assignment due on Monday and I’ve struggled to even start it, pffst.

I am not sure if it is because the others are gone now that I am struggling to be motivated or if it is because I don’t like these two modules. Pandora was the one who had the drive to study, now I seem to be struggling to pull motivation out of my ass and I can tell you it’s not happening.

Flashbacks are on and off, I start to feel better and then boom I wake to another one, and I can deal with them but it fucks with me. I would just like a goddam week without a single one.

I have been trying to organise Xmas with my girls and I knew they would all put Christmas day with their partners’ families which you have to deal with. So I put out that I wanted to spend Boxing day with them and so, of course, it would be at my middle childs. And my youngest isn’t really talking to them at the moment for some small slight or other, she is very touchy and wanted to know if it was my suggestion or her siblings to be at their house. I felt like saying ‘What the fuck does it matter whose house it is at or who suggested it!! Can’t I have just one fucking Christmas with you all for once” I’m tired of them putting their partners’ families first, I ask for one day of the year, that is all I fucking ask? And it isn’t even Christmas day I want. No point in asking for that, I’d never get it. Sighs…

Autism, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Life in General

Flash

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Flashbacks suck… I am trying not to give them too much of my energy but sometimes it just is hard. I am not one of those poor me people and I hate anyone feeling pity for me. And damn anyone who does. I am not a victim, I wouldn’t even call myself a survivor, I am a fighter, I have fought to get to the place I am now, mentally and emotionally. I could have so easily stayed looking down at the ground and ignoring all the opportunities I had to get better but I didn’t.

The flashbacks are slowly changing, more and more I am getting a clearer picture of what happened as a child and I don’t like it one bit, I was quite happy just knowing the basics, denial is a wonderful tool.

I just feel down this morning from it all, I just want to curl up and forget…

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Life in General, Love

Uno

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I am loving having Boi in my life, we both had a nice time on the weekend. I always laugh because he so wanted to watch the football Friday night but as soon as dinner is finished he ends up relaxing on the bed wanting to be my slut and has no interest in watching it. His chest was still covered in yellowing bruises from the last time we met and he commented on how he believed his nipples were hardening up from the regular torment. I tormented him for ages, telling him when they got sore and tender that I did not care and that he would take whatever I dished out to him. The weekend was filled with pegging, cock slapping, tit torture, I spent a long time using my words on him sending him spiralling down the rabbit hole. Friday night he also got his reward and he lay on the bathroom floor and I squatted over him using his mouth as my toilet. He didn’t spill any and hungrily swallowed every drop. I then peed on his little clitty because why not…showing my contempt for his useless manhood. Because I had drunk a fair amount all day it wasn’t long until I had to go again but I used the toilet this time and Boi laughed because when I need to go I need to go and it sounds like a waterfall in full force. Boi commented I’d probably drown him if I hadn’t controlled my flow earlier, cheeky brat.

We had fun playing Uno and I kept beating him which made me laugh because he gets cranky if he doesn’t win a few games.

Saturday he pushed the boundaries and ended up with a belt spanking. I was not impressed, he had lost a bet and was supposed to wash my car and the windows. Although he did wash the car he didn’t do the windows even though he said he would, I didn’t make a fuss, I just went and did them. But that night I reprimanded him and said when I tell him to do something I expect him to do it and not forget or put it off for another time. When I said I was going to discipline him with the Punisher he was cheeky and said I couldn’t because he had put his toy box away in the garage as he had visitors on Thursday. He was disconcerted when I walked out of the bathroom holding his belt and told him to bend over the bed. I had never used a belt before but I didn’t do too bad a job, his ass was red and burning by the time I finished. It will be a little while before he tests me again I think, lol. As much as Boi is testing me I am finding that I can be just as firm, we are both finding out things about ourselves that we didn’t know before.

Saturday I drove up to see Rui and I had a nice time although Rui made me cry, and it sounds so silly but I just don’t have any shields anymore and Rui was teasing me constantly from when I walked in the door, and it was hilarious the things they were saying, I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants but it reached a point where I couldn’t take it and before I knew what was going to happen I was in tears. I have never done that before and it surprised myself and Rui. Without my insiders anymore I have no buffers, no walls to protect me, I have always been a very sensitive person, more as a child, just living in this world wears me down and with the body memories and flashbacks I am more fragile emotionally than I have been for a very long time even though I hide it all behind a smile and I refuse to dwell on it all.

The early mornings are the hardest at Boi’s place, I usually wake up first and my symptoms start kicking in, as soon as Boi starts waking up all I want to do is scream at him ‘don’t touch me!’ over and over again but of course, I don’t. I am sure over time this feeling will fade but I hate it. I know where it comes from, I even remember the experience I had as a child that it is connected to.

I know I have to get used to it all, I know over time I will get desensitized to what triggers me, I just don’t want Boi to think it is him, that it is his fault I get triggered because it isn’t.

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Catch Up

I have been sitting here for the past five minutes staring at the blank screen, waiting for words to come, thoughts to be cohesive and I really don’t have a solid image of what I want to say.

Today Boi is coming into the city bringing me a desk as I sold my table and chairs, a drop leaf table is sooo annoying when you have to set it up to sit at all the time. My place is too small to have it up all the time. So I sold it to this amazingly creative woman who sells and rents out antiques and props. She has a fantastic store in Paddington and no one can enter her store unless they wear something from her dress up box at the front door. Seriously, she has turned people away who refuse. I liked her instantly and will visit her store soon. So back to the desk, it is big but I need the desktop for my printer, textbooks and colouring stuff. I have bought a second-hand small bookcase to use as a hutch and I think it will work quite well.

As soon as we get the desk in Boi will drive back to his place and I will go pick up the bookcase, and go to his place for the weekend. It is the footy semi-finals tonight so it will be footy and I am making Boi nachos. It goes without saying I will torment and tease him the whole time, lol. I will probably stay Saturday night as well as we won’t be seeing each other the following weekend.

Sometime Saturday I have to drive to Rui’s as I accidentally sent my printer ink to their address on the Coast. I am glad I did though as Dakota is staying there atm so I get to see everyone. Next weekend I won’t be seeing Boi or family as he will be watching the Grand Final with his brother and it will be footy all weekend and I want to use the time to work on assignments.

I miss him constantly when we don’t see each other on the weekends, I have never been good at distance or not keeping in touch, one of the reasons I struggled with R so much. I must send Boi at least 6 messages a day, lol. But he is such a good boi and always messages back.

Tonight he gets his reward for not smoking, and I know giving up is hard for him, he wanted to go cold turkey because that is easier for him, so I have to drink lots of water today. Both of us just melt at him drinking my piss.