Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Life in General, Love

Uno

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I am loving having Boi in my life, we both had a nice time on the weekend. I always laugh because he so wanted to watch the football Friday night but as soon as dinner is finished he ends up relaxing on the bed wanting to be my slut and has no interest in watching it. His chest was still covered in yellowing bruises from the last time we met and he commented on how he believed his nipples were hardening up from the regular torment so I tormented him for ages, telling him when they got sore and tender that I did not care and that he would take whatever I dished out to him. The weekend was filled with pegging, cock slapping, tit torture, I spent a long time using my words on him sending him spiralling down the rabbit hole. Friday night he also got his reward and he lay on the bathroom floor and I squatted over him using his mouth as my toilet. He didn’t spill any and hungrily swallowed every drop. I then peed on his little clitty because why not…showing my contempt for his useless manhood. Because I had drunk a fair amount all day it wasn’t long until I had to go again but I used the toilet this time and Boi laughed because when I need to go I need to go and it sounds like a waterfall in full force. Boi commented I’d probably drown him if I hadn’t controlled my flow earlier, cheeky brat.

We had fun playing Uno and I kept beating him which made me laugh because he gets cranky if he doesn’t will a few games.

Saturday he pushed the boundaries and ended up with a belt spanking. I was not impressed, he had lost a bet and was supposed to wash my car and the windows. Although he did wash the car he didn’t do the windows even though he said he would, I didn’t make a fuss, I just went and did them. But that night I reprimanded him and said when I tell him to do something I expect him to do it and not forget or put it off for another time. When I said I was going to discipline him with the Punisher he was cheeky and said I couldn’t because he had put his toy box away in the garage as he had visitors on Thursday. He was disconcerted when I walked out of the bathroom holding his belt and told him to bend over the bed. I had never used a belt before but I didn’t do too bad a job, his ass was red and burning by the time I finished. It will be a little while before he tests me again I think, lol. As much as Boi is testing me I am finding that I can be just as firm, we are both finding out things about ourselves that we didn’t know before.

Saturday I drove up to see Ruben and I had a nice time although Ruben made me cry, and it sounds so silly but I just don’t have any shields anymore and Ruben was teasing me constantly from when I walked in the door, and it was hilarious the things they were saying, I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants but it reached a point where I couldn’t take it and before I knew what was going to happen I was in tears. I have never done that before and it surprised myself and Ruben. Without my insiders anymore I have no buffers, no walls to protect me, I have always been a very sensitive person, more as a child, just living in this world wears me down and with the body memories and flashbacks I am more fragile emotionally than I have been for a very long time even though I hide it all behind a smile and I refuse to dwell on it all.

The early mornings are the hardest at Boi’s place, I usually wake up first and my symptoms start kicking in, as soon as Boi starts waking up all I want to do is scream at him ‘don’t touch me!’ over and over again but of course, I don’t. I am sure over time this feeling will fade but I hate it. I know where it comes from, I even remember the experience I had as a child that it is connected to.

I know I have to get used to it all, I know over time I will get desensitized to what triggers me, I just don’t want Boi to think it is him, that it is his fault I get triggered because it isn’t.

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Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Catch Up

I have been sitting here for the past five minutes staring at the blank screen, waiting for words to come, thoughts to be cohesive and I really don’t have a solid image of what I want to say.

Today Boi is coming into the city bringing me a desk as I sold my table and chairs, a drop leaf table is sooo annoying when you have to set it up to sit at all the time. My place is too small to have it up all the time. So I sold it to this amazingly creative woman who sells and rents out antiques and props. She has a fantastic store in Paddington and no one can enter her store unless they wear something from her dress up box at the front door. Seriously, she has turned people away who refuse. I liked her instantly and will visit her store soon. So back to the desk, it is big but I need the desktop for my printer, textbooks and colouring stuff. I have bought a second-hand small bookcase to use as a hutch and I think it will work quite well.

As soon as we get the desk in Boi will drive back to his place and I will go pick up the bookcase, and go to his place for the weekend. It is the footy semi-finals tonight so it will be footy and I am making Boi nachos. It goes without saying I will torment and tease him the whole time, lol. I will probably stay Saturday night as well as we won’t be seeing each other the following weekend.

Sometime Saturday I have to drive to Ruben’s as I accidentally sent my printer ink to their address on the Coast. I am glad I did though as Dakota is staying there atm so I get to see everyone. Next weekend I won’t be seeing Boi or family as he will be watching the Grand Final with his brother and it will be footy all weekend and I want to use the time to work on assignments.

I miss him constantly when we don’t see each other on the weekends, I have never been good at distance or not keeping in touch, one of the reasons I struggled with R so much. I must send Boi at least 6 messages a day, lol. But he is such a good boi and always messages back.

Tonight he gets his reward for not smoking, and I know giving up is hard for him, he wanted to go cold turkey because that is easier for him, so I have to drink lots of water today. Both of us just melt at him drinking my piss.

 

Autism, BDSM, Life in General, Love

City Lights

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Saturday night with Boi was so much fun, I was entranced watching the play (Memorial) we went to from the moment the curtain went up and I would have loved to have seen it again but it was the last night. Helen Morse is an amazing actress and Australian to boot, I still remember her in a “Town Like Alice” which I watched as a teenager. Because it was at Qpac afterwards we walked around Southbank and Boi convinced me to go on the Wheel. I freaked a little at the start but it was well worth the views of the river and the city lights, the Brisbane Festival is on at the moment so we went and explored it, you can see from my bad photo that the light show was on in the river. It is nights like these that I appreciate living right in the middle of the city, at the moment I have the best of both worlds, the city during the week and the ocean, sand and sun, quiet times on the weekends at Boi’s place with him. He enjoyed himself a lot, starting work at such early hours in the morning he never feels like doing much on the weekends.

After we walked back to my place I spent an extended amount of time destroying his titties, lol. We have found that he loves to be bitten, especially on his chest. Made me laugh because I was always a biter as a child, if I got frustrated or needed to control my emotions I would bite, myself or others, so I was delighted that he enjoyed it so much. It is never the pain that sets Boi off into subspace but the domination, the thought of suffering for me, enduring the pain I inflict upon him. He also loves the bruises because when we are not together they are a constant reminder of his submission.

Sunday morning we went and stayed at his place and I totally destroyed his titties again and pegged him hard, having him kneeling sucking my cock beforehand had his clitty dripping precum. It delights me that when we are together I only have to give him a look and he drips. It is his reactions to me that drives me to be more dominant with him. He adores me when I get all cold with him and stern. He does test the boundaries because he is such a cheeky brat but also now just to get such a reaction from me because I am usually very loving, we both need to test how our dynamic works for both of us. And it is amazing doing this with him, I was thinking this morning about it all. Boi is becoming a better fit for me than anyone I have ever met, it is not just that he is willing to become whatever I need him to be but that what I need seems to fit him as much as it fits me. He has always desired to be in a reverse 1950’s relationship and a slave. Take on the traditional female role in a relationship but also to be totally owned as a slave, no control, be made to suffer for his owner’s amusement or, pleasure. He loves being humiliated, he is even willing for me to humiliate him in public if I wish, he is loving that I deny him orgasms, he loves being pegged (he had his second prostate orgasm Sunday night), he loves just serving in general. He loves the thought of being totally controlled in the future. Within the normal everyday dynamics you share with a partner we are totally honest with each other, and we just seem to click as a couple in a normal relationship.

Boi stopped smoking yesterday and he said the second week is the hardest so I gave him an added incentive that if he continued to stay away from cigarettes that I would piss on him and allow him to drink my pee every weekend. He agreed that it was a very big incentive for him, I will support him in every way possible, lol. He wants to get back to going to the gym and eating a little healthier, lose a little weight. So first things first the smokes are going. After the smokes go I will get him back to the gym and slowly change his eating habits, his diet and he will live a healthy lifestyle.

I have been self-sabotaging so this morning I started back at the gym, those 20 kg I wish to lose are not going to disappear by themselves, I also told Boi I was going to be bringing my own food on the weekends at his place because eating normally on the weekends or drinking wine with Boi sabotages my healthy eating during the week, lol. Boi’s idea of portion control is double what I would usually eat and he eats way too many carbohydrates and bread. I recorded his snoring on the weekend and played it back to him. I think he was a little shocked because I do not think anyone had ever done that, he didn’t realise how loud he was. I told him I wanted him to go back to using his machine at night, he has sleep apneia and the silly boi wouldn’t use it, no wonder he was so tired all the time.

A quiet week ahead for me, gym, study and then see Boi on the weekend.

 

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

The Boi who wants to be my Wife

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One of the things that Boi has shown me is that I deserve to be treated with respect, not just as a dominant but as a person in general. When you are abused as a child that is what you expect, you don’t expect people to treat you any differently. And the thing is you think it is normal, you think that is how you deserve to be treated because you don’t know any different. But Boi changed all that for me, he showed me what an authentic relationship is supposed to be, not just from the outside but living it. And I can see in his behaviour, the way he acts towards me, in his eyes how much I mean to him. He always calls me, he always messages throughout his day to see how I’m doing. He hated seeing me having flashbacks but would be there for me to comfort me. He does little and big things for me. He is always happy to offer his help if I need something doing.

We were talking the other day and I mentioned I wanted to get back into some of my hobbies and he was all for it. I was talking about getting back into embroidery and talking about getting some books and the next thing I know he has gone and bought me all the supplies and all kinds of embroidery cotton I could need for a goddamn lifetime which made me cry. Tomorrow night he is taking me out to the theatre in the city and dinner because I hadn’t been since I was a child and he had never been so he said he wanted to do something different. And he is so different from R, R would talk about doing stuff and going places but then it never happened.

I love that Boi and I do couple stuff, I love that he wants all of me, not just the dominant, Boi wants the whole damn cake not just to lick the icing like R did. I doubt there is anything I don’t love about Boi. He is the sweetest and kindest, most caring man I have ever met. I love when we just cuddle on the bed, I love when he makes me laugh so much I just about wet my pants. Which he admitted he was trying to get me to do, lol. I love how much of a cheeky brat he is. I love that he is willing to let me mould him into the submissive that I need. I love that he loves to suffer for me, that he loves being my wife in our relationship. I love that he calls me his partner although I do find it disconcerting because I’ve never had anyone call me that. Boi is someone I could actually see myself being happy with, spend my life with. I’m not an idiot, I know there will be ups and downs, and it is early days. But I am feeling pretty chill, I’m not worrying about how fast or how slow we are going, I am just enjoying the journey. Boi is on holidays for next week as well as this week. He is staying Saturday night and then I will stay at his place Sunday. Then next Wednesday and Thursday he will stay with me. We will do some exploring in the city and there is an arcade gaming pub we both want to go to. I found out we both love pinball machines, lol. As a couple without the interest in FLR or BDSM, we have a lot in common, we are both very mellow people, neither of us loses our cool over the small stuff. We both love vintage and antiques, we both love markets, second-hand stores, op shops. Dining out and going to cafes, chilling on the internet, movies, books, games, music, the beach, we are both family orientated. And did I mention pinball machines, lol. I absolutely thrashed his arse at Monopoly the other day too. I can’t tell you how delighted I felt and how disappointed Boi was as he wanted to spank me if he won. Lol.

The last three nights there have been no flashbacks and I actually feel pretty normal, I am feeling the days of Carnal and Pandora are gone. They are sleeping or gone, for now, Mouse seems to have disappeared with the flashbacks too. Studying has eased up, the two modules I have at the moment are not as intensive as the last two and so I am not feeling stressed at all. Rubes my middle child stayed over last night, we had a long meaningful talk the other day and it helped a lot. They are looking to getting a volunteer position at a mental health organisation in the city so I will probably be seeing them once a fortnight which will be cool.

 

Autism, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

No More

R eventually got in touch with me, sending an SMS, we did the usual how are you and then he mentioned he was on Kik if I wanted to chat there. I refused and said he could text or call me like a normal person. He isn’t an idiot, far from it, he would have known from our last couple of conversations that I was not happy, who would be… you know seriously??? If you want a real relationship with someone you don’t keep them at arms length and refuse to compromise. Anyway, I told him I was over being used like a blow-up doll, being pulled out of the cupboard whenever he had time or the inclination to scratch an itch. He treated me with less respect than the play partners I had, being with Boi has shown me that I deserve more, I deserve a real relationship with someone who has the time, the inclination and the want.

R liked his life the way it was, I remember him telling me that right at the start. He said “I am self-sufficient and happy with the way I am and the way my life is. I don’t need anyone else”. And it is true, he doesn’t. He has friends, he has family, but what he doesn’t have is that special connection with someone, he made me think he had that with me, but he was not willing to let me into his life and that gets old after a while. I made the mistake of assuming that he would gradually let me into his life as he trusted me more but he never did.

I want a relationship that will grow, I wanted a relationship where you trust each other. He never trusted or even wanted to trust me with who he was. He only wanted to show me one side of himself. And after a year of being patient, I was just over it, I can only put up with so much before I walk away for good. After I told him I was friend zoning him and that I was over him treating me the way he was, you know what he said? One word “Okay”. And not another message, which shouldn’t surprise me I guess. He always gave me the impression that if he wasn’t getting what he wanted from someone he would cut them out of his life. No staying friends like he always said we would be if things didn’t work out between us, which again does not surprise me at all.

 

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Love

Unexpected

This past week has been good and bad, some things were hard. Taking to Boi about my PTSD – hard. Talking to him about the relationship I had with my ex-wife and how abusive she was to me and the girls even harder.  The emotions that I felt remembering and having to tell someone about some of the shit that we went through … that was hard. Wondering if he would see me as less a person for who I used to be… hard. It is not that he does not know about my past but I didn’t like who I was. I didn’t like how I had no self-respect, no sense of worth, I did not know I deserved better like I do now.

But as with everything I have shown him about myself, about my insiders, about who I am, he has accepted and loved all of me without hesitation. I told him about little Mouse who has the flashbacks, I spoke about a lot of things. And his understanding and love make me feel at peace.

We spent the last four days together, learning more about each other and just being together as a couple. He calls me the Pasta Queen, lol, as I seem to have a nack with cooking pasta dishes and not much else. But he doesn’t care as he prefers to cook, we seem to have settled into a 1950’s style relationship, with the switching of gender roles. Boi loves feeling feminine and submissive; so that I am more dominant in our relationship is no problem for him. It is not that he is effeminate but taking that role seems to be a natural tendency for him. He is a very sweet and kind person, always offering to help his family, friends and even workmates. It is that sweetness and caring for others that makes me love him even more, makes me want to protect him. When he kneels at my feet and looks up at me there is such love and adoration in his eyes. It makes me want to hold him forever so he never gets hurt.

We have been talking more about rules and boundaries. Boi will now message and ask permission if he needs a release when I am not there. He will always wear panties unless he is at work. He will no longer be allowed to dip his wick in my pussy, we will buy a hollow strapon he has to wear if I want to use his clitty. He can only cum if he is wanking onto my feet or boots and if I give him permission he can wank while I stand over him and he is giving me oral. His clitty is no longer his so touching will be kept at a minimum. He will keep downstairs shaved and trimmed even if I am not there. We also talked about getting him a cage to wear most of the time unless he is at work but there is no rush, that will happen. We have a couple of things to get before then.

Boi successfully had a prostate orgasm, I was pegging his pussy (ass) and his clitty started dribbling out cum and just kept dribbling cum. I had stopped pegging him just as he started dribbling and he laughingly complained as it didn’t feel like he had cum at all. We were both surprised as I had only been pegging him again for a short period of time. He loves me keeping him in an aroused state, keeping him in his submissive mindset. I did give him permission to cum this morning as he was giving me oral and that relieved the aching in his balls. Boi has always stated that he would love to cum just like a girl and that he can made him feel very impressed with himself, lol.

We both have come a long way in the five months we have known each other.

 

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General

Quiet Times

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It has been a quiet week since I saw Boi last weekend. I have slowly been getting over a head cold, a mild one and spending my days studying in the mornings with colouring and movies, tv in the afternoons. Of course, Boi got my head cold, such a baby! Had to take the last two days off work (eye roll), men are such babies when they get sick. We have been messaging most days, Boi has taken to calling me in the late afternoons so he can hear my voice, smiles. Gah, but it makes me shy so I cannot think of things to say, lol. Which I know must sound strange as when we are together I have no trouble and I take charge. He makes me smile with how sweet he is towards me.

We plan on going to Mooloolabah for lunch one day when he is feeling better, and he wants to come and stay with me one night and have dinner at my pub down the road. I am off to his place for the weekend tomorrow morning as he is now on two weeks holiday. We won’t be doing much but cuddles will be nice, and just to be with him makes me happy. Mind you he is such a slut, telling me his pussy needed a workout, even though he is sick. The thing is I am not sure I can resist such a slutty boi, even for his own good, that is how he got sick in the first place, lol. Our hunger for each other has not eased at all, we have known each other 5 months, I guess it is not a long time and we did have a break.

There has been nothing from R, his health had been a bit odd the last time we spoke and he was going to the Dr this week, then in September, he had to fly to England to see a parent. I am not surprised I haven’t heard from him but it is a bit hard to tell someone things are over if you never hear from them. I’ve deleted my Fetlife account, I don’t miss it, I thought I might but I don’t. I am going to delete Kik, I was going to wait until I heard from R but fuck it, he can call me like a normal person.

No sign of Pandora or Carnal, just little old me…

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Incest, Love

Full Circle

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I seem to have come full circle in my journey with D/s. I have come to the realisation that I do not need play partners, I do not need bulls to fuel my dominant feelings. I don’t need Carnal anymore or Pandora. D/s has very much been a healing journey for me, Pandora and Carnal both taught me not to be afraid of men, not to be afraid of sex. I don’t need to be more than what I am. I am still growing emotionally and mentally, but the days of where I rely on someone else for my worth as a dominant and as a woman are gone.

I don’t need a d/s relationship, I don’t need an O/s dynamic to know what I am. But what I do want is someone to share my life at my side, preferably submissive and if things don’t work out with Boi then that’s ok, it won’t be the end of the world.

Love is not the be all I used to think it was, I do not need it to fulfil me but it would be nice to have with someone, hopefully Boi, who knows. I’d like someone to cuddle and hold in the middle of the night, someone I can laugh with, love with.

R did not have time for a serious relationship, and I don’t think he wanted one, as much as he said he did. I always match up what people say to their actions because as a child Dad said he loved me and then he would do horrible things to me. I cannot trust what someone says unless their actions follow through. And R’s actions, he would say he would do things, and they never happened, he would organise to meet me and never show up. I think what hit home the other day was that we live 20 minutes apart and I have seen him twice in two months. If you are in a relationship and serious about the other person wouldn’t you spend whatever spare time you had with them? Show them that they are important in your life? The only time I saw him during the day was when we met the first two times and when I let him back in my life two months ago. The rest of the times few as they were was late at night like I am a dirty secret.  He treated me like I was a casual play partner, not like someone who he wanted a serious relationship with.

It would not be so bad if he had been honest from the start and said he just wanted a casual play partner but he didn’t, I feel like he led me down the garden path, I kept thinking he needed time, he was so twitchy and freaked at the slightest thing when we first started talking. Maybe he is married, and that was just his guilt kicking in, I really don’t know.

Scenario One – He is married and that is why he never lets me come to his house. Yeah I know, it seems pretty obvious. A proxy mobile number and I can never get through to him, never see him unless he needs an itch scratched.

Scenario Two – He is telling me the truth and he is just as different as I am, doesn’t have anyone visit him at his home, is a night owl. Guards his privacy like it is a leprechauns horde. And has built his life around his work and interests and has no need of a serious relationship. Hmmm… I know which Scenario everyone else would choose…. sighs.

The thing is I am not play-partner material, I gave him my heart and he trampled all over it by not being honest about his intentions, his agenda. I have outgrown bulls, I have outgrown Fetlife and I have definitely outgrown R.

Who by the way, I still haven’t heard from and last weekend we were supposed to go out to a ‘special’ dinner because we had known each other for a year.

All R did was to teach me about the type of relationship I do not want.

Boi has shown me the type of relationship I do want, he is the sweetest man I have ever met, kind, caring and a real honey. He shows me he cares, not just words, he follows through. He wants all of me, not just my dominant side. He is even willing to negotiate if I want to play with others or bulls even though he hates that idea. He tells me over and over that he just wants to spend time with me and I don’t have to dominate him even though he loves it when I do. He wants to do couple things together, go exploring, go on picnics, markets, go out for dinner. He wants to meet my family, get to know my children because they are important to me, so they are important to him. He will even sit and colour with me… because he loves me. He shows me he loves me in so many ways, he doesn’t love me because I am dominant but the whole package. And that is all I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember, someone who would love me and wanted me as I am. Not love my insiders like my ex-wife, not adore my dominant side like R but just me. And that trumps everything and always will.

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Goodbye to an Impossible Dream

There is no going forward with R… as much as I butt my head against the wall he is unmoveable. As much as what he says aligns with what I want in a relationship the way he treats me shows I am nothing more than play partner to him. Today is the last day… I promised myself when I first met him that I would wait one full year ( it has been a full year today since we met) and if he could not or would not let me in his life I would respect myself and walk away. We have been seeing each other a little over two months since I let him back in and I have seen his twice… twice… when he lives 20 minutes from me by car.

He says he wants a relationship, says he is long-term and yet refuses to give me his proper number, I have a proxy number he never answers and still refuses to have me drop him off even outside his house. I am not an idiot but I am prone to wear blinkers. I am tired of him treating me like I mean nothing…

I want a real relationship, I want a relationship where I know I can call the other person and they will pick up, I want someone who will be there for me. I want someone who will make time to be with me because they want to be. Not be with me just because I am a dominant but as a person, a woman. I want someone who wants to become part of my family, who is interested in my children and wants to meet them. I want the normal things you have in a relationship. I want to roll over and snuggle with someone in the middle of the night, I want to go shopping, go to markets, have fun together. I want someone who wants to share my life.

Rashid doesn’t do any of those things with me. He just keeps putting me off, he just keeps saying ‘don’t kill the golden goose because you want more golden eggs’! The thing with R, he may have fed my dominant side, Carnal and Pandora but I am the one who wants a real relationship, I am the one who lives 95% of the time on the outside not them. And I am tired of just being seen as a dominant, I want someone who wants me for me. Whether I am a dominant woman or just plain old me…

And you know when you aren’t looking for something but you find it in unexpected ways, Boi has always said to me he just likes spending time with me, he doesn’t care if I play with him or not when I see him, he just wants to spend time with me, he doesn’t care if I push his boundaries by using bulls. He always asks about my children, he wants to meet them and get to know them, he wants to go places with me, share his life with me. He has been as transparent as glass, and he never makes demands on me. He makes me cry with how much he cares. I am tired of being treated like shit, I deserve better, I deserve to be loved and to love someone who treats me like they treasure me. Boi has shown me what it would be like to be in a real relationship with someone who loves me. He doesn’t care that I have baggage, he doesn’t care that I have flashbacks, he held me and was there for me when I stayed the other night. This is a man who has given me his heart and doesn’t expect anything in return. This man I could have a normal relationship with and be happy. And the thing is Boi deserves all of me, he deserves my commitment, my love, my dominance and my loyalty. It is time I stop playing around, it is time I stop having play partners, it is time I stop using bulls. It is time I just do what I want to do and be myself.

I will not spend my life waiting around for a man who has no time for me because he is too busy and driven by his work no matter how much he says he loves me. Words mean nothing if they are not followed by action, R is all words but Boi is all action.

Times up…

Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Toys and Bois

My toy collection is growing much to my delight. A new belt and a new strapon cock which feels amazing in my hand. A new jewelled butt plug specifically for Boi.  I now have 3 pretty cocks. Let the games begin.

I may see R this weekend, who knows. I told him if he cannot say for 100 % certain he can see me, then don’t bother saying anything. He said he understood but I am just over his saying things in the spur of the moment and then not following through. We had a disagreement, we are at an impasse, he refuses to let me in his life and I don’t know when he will if ever. And I will not trust or believe he wants a real relationship until he does. Shrugs. The thing is the longer he doesn’t let me in … I know I will eventually walk away and this time it would be for good. The more time I spend with Boi, the more I want a normal relationship with everything that goes with it. It isn’t that it wouldn’t be FLR or kink. But I need someone who is reliable, who I will know will be there for me when I need them emotionally and physically. And Boi is willing to be that for me, whereas R has never…