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So I spent Saturday with Boi and while I am loving what we have we do still have awkward moments as with any new relationship or dynamic. And then there are times when I am so excited by being with him that I adore our time together.

Friday night he messaged me that his friend had cancelled coming to spend the weekend with him and we decided in the morning to work out what we were going to do with this opportunity of free time together. I messaged Boi in the morning that I wanted him to come to my place and then we were going to Black Rabbit a BDSM store in Brisbane as he had mentioned he wanted to go and browse. He must have been excited to see me as he turned up in no time at all. Luckily I had woken early and tidied up my place, showered and dressed as I was just as excited that I was going to see him.

Unfortunately, the shop was closed for some unknown reason so we drove back to my place and I grabbed my overnight bag and my car and we went to a thrift store I had told him about previously, there were some amazing shoes that Boi bought for me and I bought some dresses for him, teasing him all the while I was going to make him try them on. He was so uncomfortable I took pity on him and didn’t although I badly wanted to, lol.

We stopped for lunch on the way to his place and then I grabbed some groceries as I had promised I was going to cook for dinner, while at the store I wondered if he had was flour, but who doesn’t have flour in their cupboard? And yes you guessed it, Boi didn’t. He hadn’t used it for so long he had thrown it out the week before so the dish I was going to bake didn’t get cooked and we ended up having spaghetti, lol.

We had a very late night, I had Boi dress up in one of the dresses I bought him and he laughed at the picture of himself in the mirror, a pink t-shirt dress with a crochet panel on the chest. Our connection flowed between us throughout our time together and it is so easy to drown him in subspace, he loses all track of time as do I. At one stage he commented on how my words are starting to brainwash him as he gets more and more used to the idea of being a sissy slut for me and it delights me that it does. It surprises me how easy it is for him to accept something that was so alien to him at the start is now becoming so accepted by him now. The thought of me fucking him as my wife is starting to push buttons in his mind. At one time I had him over my knee and I was giving him a spanking for being a brat on the phone during the week and I had him admit that he really wanted to be spanked by the black paddle. The thought of being punished and disciplined is something that really makes him melt and his little clitty hard. I had him cum twice for me while I watched which made him feel very slutty and the look on his face, whenever I make him eat some of his cum, is still priceless, makes me laugh so much. But still, he does it for me which I love and he knows I want to get him to eventually like the taste of his own cum or at least be able to clean up his own mess. I must have been feeling very dotting to let him cum twice! Next time I don’t plan on letting him cum at all.

I had taken some silk rope and my little wand with me and I spent with his little clitty tied up and tormenting it. At times I would slap it and it would make me laugh when I moved and he would flinch away expecting another one. I love that we are exploring together and it is fun getting into his head and seeing what things push him and what don’t. Being a good boi is something that he strives to be for me but calling him names like dirty and filthy, slut, etc make him tingle. Sunday morning we had a leisurely morning and breakfast with Boi cheekily telling me to make his breakfast which ended up with a spanking and him cooking instead, lol. He was spending the rest of the day with his family as it was his sisters birthday and so our time came to an end, I was happy to drive home and spent the afternoon sleeping as I tire us both out each time we see each other.

At one time he said, “I only want to be your boi, your slut, your wife, no one else’s”. That made me happy, he doesn’t want me to share him with other dommes and I don’t wish to share him, I don’t want someone else enjoying him, I have always felt possession over the ones I love and I know he likes that I am possessive of him, he is mine and mine only.

R liked the idea of me sharing him with others, he craved being used by multiple women and saw it as trust in a relationship. Now I don’t have my insiders I see it that if you love someone and they fulfil you why would you want to be with someone else? I always wanted to give everything I am to that someone special and have them commit to me just as much. It was different when I had my insiders, they didn’t love or want the same people. How could I deny them the chance to be with someone they loved and to be happy? So it was just an unwritten understanding that we would be polyamorous.

There have been a couple of times my thoughts have wandered to R and I am honest enough to say I miss him, I have missed our talks, I have missed who he is and I wonder if he misses me as I miss him but I am so happy with Boi that I know I made the right choice and I know Boi is happy with me.

 

 

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Better late than never!

I added the bloggers I nominated for day 2 and now here is day 3, only one day late!

Thank you to Sayyidsgirl

for nominating me for the 3 DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE. And yes I still hate these things.

DAY 3
Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
3. Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
4. Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

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I choose quotes that inspire me and that align with what I believe. I have never been about material possessions, money or how big your house is. It is how real you are, how you interact with others and the connections you have with others.

It is the memories that you leave behind that will keep the ones you love warm.

I nominate:

Michael

HeartsHope

Karen To and Fro

Ah, finito…

 

 

 

 

Thank you to Sayyidsgirl

for nominating me for the 3 DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE. Ah crap, I hate these things.

DAY 2
Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
3. Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
4. Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

Of course, you might have seen this one on my blog, all my life I have done this in relationships and when I saw it on the internet it resonated within me because I always did this and I was totally miserable. No more.

I nominate:

1. Alexis Ryder

2. Kristina Gallo

3. Furcissy

I am snowed under with study atm and struggling to complete an assignment due tomorrow night but I just wanted to quickly say thank you to Sayyidsgirl

for nominating me for the 3 DAY QUOTE CHALLENGE. Ah crap, I hate these things.

DAY 1
Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Post a quote for three consecutive days (1 quote for each day).
3. Share why this quote appeals so much to you.
4. Nominate 3 different bloggers for each day.

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I love quotes, especially quotes about connections with other people and this one seems to say it all. Without other people in our lives, we would be very isolated and lonely.

I nominate:

1. The chaste cyclist

2. The Bleeding words of Scarlet A.

3. Lady Briar

 

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Being Us

I came across this movie today and as I seem to find it interesting watching how movies and books portray people with MPD/DID I watched it. And it wasn’t a bad movie as movies go, it was a bit soppy here and there but the main character who was a woman with MPD I felt was pretty close to the real deal. At least how I experienced my insiders.

It’s strange watching others with MPD even in a fictional movie because it has a sense of unreality about it because it is not commonly shown in a movie but there is also the knowledge that that was what I was like. That was me…

At times it hurt to watch because I remember so well the pain that she portrays in the movie and as much as I like to think I am no longer like that I spent 45 years with it. Watching it has left me with a heaviness in me, there are times I could go back to being depressed and curling up in the dark but I choose not to, there are moments it would be so easy to slip backwards and so I always have to monitor myself. At the moment I am not where I would like to be and I have slipped a little.

I feel tired, and it is a struggle more than I like to admit to be ok.

 

So I was thinking, why do I enjoy feminisation, and with different partners, it has had different meanings. With Serena, it was because she was transgender and so I saw her as female. With J a couple of years ago it was because he enjoyed cross-dressing and with R it was because he would feel humiliated wearing women’s panties and show him I did not see him as a real man.

With Boi, it is probably a combination of humiliation and wanting him to feel like a slutty wife. I enjoy seeing him laugh because he is feeling embarrassed and ridiculous having to wear female clothing. I want to see him feel humiliated but turned on by me making him wear pink panties. And he would also feel turned on by the sensation of stockings and satin against his skin. ‘But wait! he thinks I’m a straight guy why am I getting turned on by this?’ And then the flush of embarrassment and shame as it creeps up his cheeks. Yes, that is what I want, I want him in that state of arousal but have the conflicting emotions of humiliation, shame, the embarrassment that he is aroused.

And it delights me because he has never done anything like this before but is willing to humiliate and embarrass himself for me, it makes me laugh so much harder to see his face go red when I giggle or laugh at him. Oh no, there is no laughing together, he knows I am laughing at him and it again humiliates him and makes his little clitty so hard that I do. But the difference is that he knows I love him, that there is no spite in it. I do adore this boi and I show him in a multitude of ways. Of course, there are times when I hurt him just because I want to but again he submits to me because he knows I like to and because he loves me, he craves to suffer for me this boi.

I am sure it would make no difference if I didn’t feminise him but it is soooo amusing to do so and I love laughter and having fun. There is no fun in being boring, I will always switch it up and push his limits even if only a little at a time. And one day he will get down in public and worship my feet for all to see not because I tell him to but because he wishes to. He has already said it once without me saying anything. Such an amazing boi…

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Porngirl3 commented on my previous post “A presumptuous Boi”

I realize this isn’t a lecture or an interactive story but I have questions please if you don’t mind.
1. What words do you use? Can you give me a sample or two?
2. His little clitty? Is that a euphemism for his penis?
3. What are “the insiders”? Multiple personalities? How did you resolve that?
If you are to answer please Mistress even just in private I would be grateful to you.

I don’t mind at all answering your questions if they give you a better idea about how words can trigger subspace.

With Boi because we both are so open in our relationship and believe in open communication as it feeds into our dynamic, I know all the kinks and fetishes that he is aware of, he has told me how he gets turned on by submitting to a strong Mistress, how he has a foot fetish and wants no say in a relationship, so I had a good idea from him and from previous F/s relationships and play partners how to trigger his subspace.

I do call his penis little clitty because it shows my dominant side to belittle and humiliate him and he enjoys being humiliated. I use comments like how pathetic it is, how it is inadequate, how it is a little boys penis. I also tell him how he is not a man and how he is such a slut that he is willing to do anything for me. I tell him how much I enjoy cumming and how he has no control over whether he gets to cum. I discuss in detail how I am going to turn him into a sissy and how I am going to fuck his ass like he is my little bitch. How I am going to have him suck and lick my strapon like it is my cock, that I am his husband and he will please me like one. I tell him how I am going to enjoy thrusting my cock inside him because he will moan and cry out like a slut and beg for more.That he is going to be dressed up like a sissy maid and do all the housework like a 1950’s wife at my beck and call. How he is going to be my urinal and my ashtray.

When he is on his knees leaning down worshipping my feet I tell him how pathetic he is, how that is his place, that I will always have him clean my heels and boots in such a way, at other times I tell him how delighted I am by his service.

There are times I tell him how much I hunger for him, how he makes me burn to own him completely, how I want to tear him open, push all the buttons that he has, how I want to own him completely, not just his body but his heart and soul, that he feeds me, and when I do, that feeds him. I always make sure I mix it up with positive reinforcement with the negative. At times I tell him how he is my little boi and how I want to spoil him and love him to death with cuddles and kisses.

All these words and the way I deliver them trigger him deeper and deeper while I kiss and twist his nipples giving him pain with the delivery, and I ask him questions confirming what I already knew but I want him to admit to himself and to me out loud that he likes these things, it’s the humiliation of admitting it to himself as well as me. I make him beg for every kiss, every touch, that I give him and at other times I am unmoved and that I do not kiss back drives him even harder to get any response from me. I do like to tease and torment him in such a way.

In a way, because I know how to trigger him I weave a spell around him with my words, the way I look into his eyes, my expressions on my face. His eyes never leave mine except at times when his eyes wander to my mouth and I know he craves to kiss me. I watch every change in his eyes, every expression he gets, the moans he makes, I listen to the cadence of his voice, I keep my hand grasped around his little clitty and I can feel it pulse every time a word or comment hits home. And I make sure I am always above him, leaning over him or he is kneeling, always below me where he so belongs.

Throughout our time together I can just use one or two comments when we are doing other things and it just reminds him of his place, it gives him a tingle in his clitty and he loves that I will just come out and say or do things that will remind him. I love manhandling him or slapping his ass as I walk past him and telling him what a good wifey he is for me. Or he will be in the kitchen and I will walk up behind him and reach around and grab his little clitty and tell him he is mine or what a good little bitch he is, while I give him a hug or a kiss. It is all very little things but when you add them up it just feels damn nice to be able to and to have such a lovely connection together. I asked him before I left if he was content and he said he was and that made me happy.

I am not sure if this is the way it is for everyone as it is so new to us both but it just feels right.

As for my insiders, yes that is what I called my other personalities, Multiple Personality Disorder. I think it had been coming for a while that they would integrate and they accepted that as a given, they knew that for me to grow as a person that I would have to integrate but I was just too scared to and the thought of losing them as they had been my closest family and friends since I was little I just couldn’t handle. But in my previous relationship with R, he showed me that I could be strong enough to live without them and I could be the person I wanted to be if I integrated. I also knew I couldn’t be the dominant R wished for without integrating. I had been to psychologists over the years and I was never happy with the advice they gave me, it just seemed so old school. When my insiders integrated it just seemed to happen without violation, it wasn’t like I said yes we are doing this now, it just happened.

So I hope this answers your questions and I am happy to answer any more or questions from others.

Cheers

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Boi and I met at his place after he finished work and each time I see him my heart shudders to life and purrs. I laugh at how eager he is and how needy. As soon as he got home he rushed to have a shower before I got there and his hair was still wet when I grabbed his head in a heated kiss. My thank you was the desire I saw burning in his eyes.

Now I am home I hardly remember what we did, it just seemed a mirage of laughter, love and desire. There were times he made me laugh so hard I warned him I was going to pee my pants and others that were so beautiful I just melted inside. The things he does to me… smiles.

Friday night was fairly settled, he came with me while I went to get takeaway for dinner and we teased each other mercilessly with talk of sissification, he gives as good as he gets. Later in the night, I used my words on him mercilessly and he gifted me with such deep submission that it makes me wet just thinking of it. And it is not the acts he did but the depth of his subspace that drives me. It is seeing that look in his eyes as he drowns in me and he never struggles but he slips beneath the waters so peacefully that it is beautiful. The look in his eyes as he does so burns my soul, he opens up like a trusting little boi and I am always in two minds about whether I want to mother him or hurt him.

But he craves for me to hurt him, he has admitted that when I do hurt him it flicks a switch and he sinks, and that makes me shiver because it makes me want him even more. I want to tear him wide open and climb inside, pull him apart and inspect every piece of him. Poke and push, see what he reacts to the most. When I drive my nail into his urethra nice and deep he writhes beneath me and moans in such a delicious way he makes me burn.

We ended up falling asleep about 11 as Boi had been up since 430 am and I had been awake since 3 am. He never seems to mind that I demand so much of him as well as myself. He was gone 2 seconds after saying goodnight and I followed him just as quick. He was up before me in the morning and after a leisurely breakfast I had him wear his new apron and nothing else as he did his chores around the house, I laugh at the memory as he proudly told me this is his new work uniform, such a brat but he delights me so much. I teased him throughout the morning showing him pictures of the things I wanted him to wear as a sissy boi on my eBay wishlist and he laughed and looked embarrassed at some of them but he loves the idea of being my wifey, he just melts when he thinks of what our future together could be. And I have to admit I am feeling hopeful that we both will be happy together in his future.

We tried watching a movie again but we would both get distracted by the other, laughs. Boi had put his two armchairs together which I thought was very cute of him and at one stage he tried lying down with his head on my lap but his chairs are not a couch, lol. Another time I had him lying under my feet which we both enjoyed. But again his place is so tiny, lol.

I am not sure how it started but he was being such a brat and making me laugh as he teased me that I threatened to punish him and he started backing away from me and shut himself in his bedroom, he ended up with a red bottom from the black paddle we have nicknamed the punisher and I admit it, I was soft on him, he did say that if in the future I went harder he would be more obedient, I started out by spanking his butt with my hand using my words, and at the time I had him lying flat on the bed, I had him raise up onto his knees and when I put my hand between his legs his little clitty was rock hard and leaking, I commented on how he couldnt even behave while getting a spanking and he weakly admitted that it turned him on, I laughed at him and I paddled him with the punisher, inbetween spankings and rubbing his little clitty. I doubt very much either of us saw the time we spent in the bedroom as punishment, lol.

That night we had dinner out and he enjoyed the food very much, I told him next time we would go there for his birthday next month as we both want to try some of the other dishes. But it was a lovely night and when we came back to his place I had him take my boots of and worship my sweaty stockinged feet, and his enthusiasm had no bounds, he has such a foot/shoe fetish, smells really get into his head and I laughed at his reaction.

He adores it when I act mean and stern, a bitch, or hurt him because I like it. It just seems so strange to me because I have never desired that kind of behaviour from someone. But it does something to him, he knows I love him as I affirm that with him throughout our time together in different ways and he does the same with me.

Even though we both indulged in a lot of sexual play I struggled just as much as he did to cum, but as with any relationship that will ebb and flow like the tide and I know with me it has a lot to do with my cycle but neither of us cared. We talked about in detail what subspace is like for him and the reactions I have to him. It was just nice to learn more about each other and discuss more in-depth how we both would like to see our relationship evolving and what limits us.

Next weekend we won’t be seeing each other as he has a mate coming up to stay for the weekend from NSW which I don’t mind, he will get to chill with a friend and I will probably spend the time studying or go and explore the city or something. But it was so hard to leave him yesterday morning, my heart was already missing him. He had made me breakfast and we just chilled on the bed together talking and he loves how the F/s is always a current between us and it flows and ebbs. There is no planning, no sessions as with play partners, no discussions beforehand of what is going to happen, it just flows and ebbs like the tide. Sometimes it is really strong and it takes us both over and others we are just like any other vanilla couple but there is always an internal awareness of what we are to each other.

At one time Saturday night, he commented on how much my face changes and I seem to act like a different person and even though he said he knows I no longer have the insiders it made him wonder what I was like when I did have them. And its true there are times with him I know I change but I have no impression of any sign of the others in my mind when I do act differently. If anyone is left they are staying very quiet and hiding even from me. Also Saturday night he was Superbrat and tried to dom me again because he knows how funny I think he is when he does. But I decided to up one him and I acted like a babygirl, he couldn’t keep it up and cracked up laughing, we both hammed it up, and I couldn’t stop laughing. But it is nice that we can mess up and just have fun, I dont think I have ever felt so happy just being silly with someone, I never have done so with previous partners but I just feel so comfortable with Boi, and I know he feels the same with me.

Later in the night he turned to me and said “One day you will be Mrs ———“, and I felt my heart warm… I teased him saying “You are being very presumptuous Boi”. I don’t know how to feel about it, part of me is scared, part of me feels happy that he would want that with me and part of me feels a little angry because how dare he presume I would want to marry him. Sighs… marriage for me has never ended well and after two failed marriages I am very leery about getting married again, the thought of spending a lifetime with Boi doesn’t scare me but why do we need a Certificate? Maybe I like the idea that I have a loophole that I can run for it if it doesn’t work out? Part of me sees marriage as a trap, no escape and yet I like the idea of growing old with Boi next to me.

He scares me this boi, I keep waiting for him to find something about me he doesn’t like, I keep waiting for him to decide he made a mistake. I know this is only the past experiences I have had make me feel this way. There is so much that is positive about Boi that they are only fleeting thoughts, here one instant and gone the next.

 

 

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My, my Boi is going to have a red ass this weekend. After our talk last night he was so excited about the thought of living with me in the future that he came like a rabid dog, lol. Even after I told him he couldn’t, tsk, what a brat. And the thing is I am going to make sure he gets no pleasure out of the spanking at all as much as I would love to, this is about discipline and following my commands, not his or my pleasure. I cannot believe he did not even last one night. I am just feeling incredulous about that. I know he has been desiring this lifestyle for 30 years and so I get his excitement and joy so I do understand how he is feeling at the moment but come on… really??? Laughs.

I am so locking that little clitty of his up as soon as possible, goodness me!

On another note we are going to be together all weekend, I am driving over about 5pm Friday afternoon and coming back Sunday after lunch. We are not going to do much Friday as he will be exhausted from work I’d say, so takeaway and a movie sound very good. Saturday morning he will have chores to do and I am going to get him to do them my way, lol. Butt naked with little pink panties, collar and restraints wearing his new frilly apron, that night Boi has booked a table at my favourite restaurant which has a view of the ocean. I am looking forward to sharing the place with him. I will post a link here when I upload photos to Fetlife. I am sure all the ladies would love to see such a cute ass draped in a frilly apron, lol.

My cold is bugging me, I have drugged myself up today, I think it is starting to turn for the better or that could just be the drugs.

I have been feeling blah today, it’s late and this cold makes me feel yuck, I hate being sick, it’s my own fault for having tongue wars with Boi when he had a cold, pffst. Cough, cough, pout.

Damn it I haven’t been sick for a year.

Boi amazes me at times with some of his messages when we text. He can express himself better when he has a chance to think of an answer to my questions, face to face he struggles to find the words like I do.

Tonight we were texting and discussing his ability to resist wanking during the week. I have told him he can only cum when we are together, no more wanking during the week. And if he weakens he will be disciplined. I told him I realise that as this type of control is new to him that I did understand there might be times he may weaken but that he also has to realise that there will always be consequences for being unable to follow the tasks I give him. I told him I wanted to slowly increase my control and give him more direction over time, as much as possible considering we are not living together. He wrote back that he was happy to put his trust in me as his dominant, so I was happy with that.

I found out the reason why the look in his eyes drives me wild. Why that look kills me… He said those words tonight… The ones I had felt him engraving on my heart, the ones I had felt trying to erupt from my mouth like a geyser…

“I love You”

“I adore You”

“I love every part of You”

I could see it in his eyes before he even spoke the words but I didn’t recognise what it was, that emotion, until he said those words, and when I look back at the past few weeks I can see it so clearly, in the way he looked at me as we laughed over coffee on the porch, when I would kiss him and then slap him for not thanking me, that look was there… When he reached for me and caressed me still half asleep, I could feel it. And when he knelt in submission it resonated from him.

This boi blows me away… His submission to me is his love. It is how he expresses that love for me that he feels.

And I have fallen for him lock, stock and barrel. He had bound me to him the first night we spent together. Part of me doesn’t believe that he does but that is because of past relationships when they always walked away… maybe Boi will be different… maybe…