My insiders

Ah.. I see… now you know… that is my life… having someone come out and then go away again.. that is what happens…. least it stopped me from having another meltdown… I hate those… no I dont know what his name is… not even sure I have even met him… it must sound so strange to you… that people live in my head and i dont know their name or anything about them… I know some of them .. some very well… Fifi who is 3…. Gyle who is a protector, Mirriam who worked in childcare and helped me bring up my children …. Riven who is the top protector… he always drives the car as the others are too reckless plus some of them were suicidal over the years always wanted to crash the car and die…

Ponyboy who is 15 and loves books… he chose his name from a S.E.Hinton book… that i loved to read… Ponyboy loves smoking…. he is gay.. and also was into swimming and used to do all the Lifesaving stuff … as I was growing up…

Siren who is transgender… m to f… he loves art and drawing… loves the sea and fantasy…

Lucius who is in his mid thirties… gay… smoker..drinker… emotional… deeply hurt over the years by people in our lives… he is the suicidal one… or has been in the past… he is the joker and loves making people laugh…

Gyle… mid forties.. doesnt smoke.. doesnt need a partner or sex.. is quite happy on his own… he is the one who was always out with me… most days.. paying the bills, getting things done.. holding my hand so i was not so scared of being out in public… dealing with people… pretending to be me..

Mirriam… smiles.. Mirriam was always the mother of us all, she is about 40… and a gentle caring person.. she has infinite patience and loves children, cooking, housework.. likes looking after people… she brought up my children and helped me work in childcare… so between her and Gyle we managed to keep a job and food on the table…

And last but not least Carnal… who is 19 and held all my feminine side… my sexuality… she is a sex siren… sensual and dark… smokes.. drinks.. loves men.. she is now a Mistress… I think from the first time we read or heard about BDSM her ears perked up..she was like a duck to water…

And last but definitely not least… Pandora… Pandora is timeless… if I had to put an age to her it would be maybe mid forties… she is also a Mistress .. I never knew her before BDSM so I dont know if she was ever anything else… she is sadistic and hates men… with a passion.. loves cbt, floggers, whips, you name it and she will use it on you and laugh while she does… ball crushing, spitting, humiliation.. the more the better as far as she is concerned… men are worms and are to be crushed into the earth and be no more….

There are a multitude of others… when everything was first happening and they came out.. I met over 100 insiders… probably half of them never came out again after that initial meeting… and over the years slowly less and less have come out…

The last year it was only Fifi, Gyle, Riven and Carnal…..last and definitely one of the strongest is Pandora…

Words – Trigger- Incest

Words have always been my friends… putting my thoughts down in concrete so I can think clearly…. Reading them in books so I can escape into a world I would want to live in forever… frozen in time…. while the outside world passes by… I could easily live in a book… being one thing that people read over and over… a book in a library maybe… picked up by strangers… read and then put down again… left on the shelf when my popularity is over… to sleep and dream my life away… dreaming of being picked up again… the pages of my book turned and felt and enjoyed…

If I was a book.. I wonder what sort of book would I be…. a cook book… non-fiction…. or a hardcore erotic novel…lololol… funny thought….. Roo would like it… he is not online tonight and so I am spending time here… filling your ears with useless words… trying to keep your attention until it wanders to thoughts of your day and what you have to do…. what words do I have to keep your interest… words of love… danger… and life… I write nonsense… I wonder if you think I’m as crazy as I think sometimes… what do you think … you wonder what sort of person i am… I am a sad person…. I grieve for things in my past and in my present.. and I even grieve for things in my future that I know I will never have… I should be grateful shouldn’t I ?… I should appreciate what I have and not whine about not having anything…. (you think I am selfish?)… that for once in my life I’d like things to be a little bit easier… maybe I am… a selfish naive foolish woman… who should appreciate she has a roof over her head, food on the table and family who love her… friends who care… maybe your right…

The heaviness in my heart never goes away… it leads a long way back… the string attached to my heart… leads back.. through my life… I follow it… thinking where will it lead me…. back .. back.. to my childhood … and I slowly stop… for I know where that piece of string leads… and I hate it… I hate it with a passion… if I could of killed him I would of… my father… that man who broke me… stole my innocence… my joy… I just want to scream at him… WHY.?!!! WHY??!!! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT??!!!!

He stole… my life… everything I was and could be.. he stole it and he didn’t even care…what sort of man does that to his own child… it wasn’t like I was adopted or a foster child…. I was his own flesh and blood… what gave him the right to do those sick fuck things to me… where does anyone get off being able to do anything like that to  a child….He didn’t even touch my siblings… “Don’t tell or Mummy will go away forever”… “Be a good girl and Mummy won’t go away”… Don’t tell or everyone will think your a horrible little girl and Mummy will go away and you won’t see her ever again”….

WTF… was wrong with you?.. I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs…. how could you… you sick fuck… how could you…. where did you think you had the right to do those things…

I remember… I remember… the taste in my mouth… the spitting and gagging… washing my mouth frantically… trying to get rid of the taste… throwing up repeatedly into the sink…

You are lucky you died in your sleep Old Man… because if I ever saw you now… I would kill you… and no… I’m not joking… I am fucking serious… yeah… I’m not Fiona… I am an insider and I would kill him and I wouldn’t give a shit… he never gave a shit about her… he always looked at her like she was nothing… with such disgust in his eyes… he was such a fake person… always pretending in front of other people… but we saw the real person… everyone thought he was such a nice guy… he played football for the local club… was involved in scouts, had many people who respected him… and no one knew his dirty little secret… he would sneak into her bedroom at night… before he went to the markets in the city … in the early hours of the morning…. especially if it was raining…. as they lived in a house with a tin roof… it would drown out her cries if anyone heard… her brother was always such a heavy sleeper… he never knew… and the two weeks her mother went away… were hell because then he could take her into his room and the other siblings would be asleep.. even as I type this she is backing away in denial….she knows I speak the truth as she remembered getting up one night and looking for her mother and she was gone…. and he was the only one there…. pedophile…

Broken Hearted

I really like Ashley but I don’t want a romance with him…. I am not sure I want that … if I would even risk letting myself love someone again…. I like him but I do not see myself falling in love with him or even want to… I made it clear to him that we would be only friends and Mistress/Sub….

I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me…. what do I have to offer them… I have no money…. no equity and no superannuation even.. I am going to be working until I die…. even if I can get a job…

I cannot even buy someone a fucking coffee at the moment…. I am using every cent I have to pay off debt from 5 years ago… and even though I know it will be finished this year … it feels like it will go on forever….

I hate my ex for that… for running off and leaving me with a huge debt….. because of her I had a nervous breakdown… I have a debt 9 agreement… which is just about bankrupt anyway…. I lost my eldest child and i refuse to open my heart to anyone else…. I refuse to fall in love again… and I don’t want anyone to fall in love with me… no one would want me anyway… I am a broken toy… no one ever wants the broken ones…

My mind is my Prison

At times I feel like I am a prisoner in my own head… i crave the company of others, laughter, fun and friendship, even love but then I crave my solitude and being alone… Its a constant fight in my head… When I have had enough of talking online with people I know I just shut down.. I don’t want to talk anymore, I don’t want to have to deal with people and their demands on me… As much as I love chatting with my new friends… all of a sudden its too much… too strenuous… I am too tired or need time alone….

I am struggling this afternoon, today was a good day and then no one is online to talk to… Ruben and Ricky are off doing something… and I am alone… and that is why I am feeling down and alone… and I want to just cry for I feel so lonely and I crave the company of others… but also want to be alone… that is why I want to cry… because I hate feeling like this…. I want to shake the bars of my mind and scream… break them and escape…. run through the long dry grass like I did as a child with no care in the world… barefoot… the summer sun burning down on me…. turning my skin brown as a berry… one with nature… exploring and focusing on the microcosmic word beneath my feet… the ants, scorpions and centipedes… so many of them… hearing the wind in the trees, the sound of the waves crashing on the back beach a distant roar I could hear 24 hours a day….where is that little tomboy now… who climbed pine trees over 20 meters high and would sit right at the top….the wind moving the branches and whispering it would shake me from my perch..

I would spend hours sitting in the trees and daydreaming of another life.. didn’t matter where as long as it was far away from where I was…. when I was 12 I would fantasies about running away to Melbourne and living on the streets… but the fear of the unknown was greater than my fear of staying where I was…..and so I was a prisoner…

 

Let me bind you

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Come closer little sub… come and play in my dungeon..

Let me tie you, bind you, play with you just for a little…

Whats that you say?.. Your scared

But my dear.. surely you know in your heart…

I would not hurt a hair on your head?

Do you not want to know… the dark desires that stir in your heart…

The feel of the whip… the flogger…

The soft sensual feel of it sliding slowly over your skin…

The pinch of my nipple clamps as I tighten them nice and hard…

The feel of the heavy cold chains as I chain you to my bed…

The darkness of the hood as I blind you…

Such delight to be had… your body quivering.. your mind racing..

My hands seeking… searching.. demanding…

That you give up it all… everything… I want it all..

No.. I demand it no less…

 

Autism and BDSM

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I find within the BDSM lifestyle a freedom and confidence I did not have in vanilla.

There is a stigma to being female in society that women should always bend to males opinions and views of how we should act and behave.. a confident outspoken woman is seen as a threat and to be taken down a notch or two in this male orientated world.

There are many societies in ancient times where it was matriarchal and women were revered as the knowledge bearers.

In BDSM being a Mistress I can be myself.. I can be outspoken, confident, speak my mind, be honestly blunt as much as I like and it is just accepted because of the way a Mistress is portrayed in media and porn…and in the lifestyle….

So having Aspergers is actually funnily enough an asset…lol

I don’t have to conform to anyone else’s ideology of what a woman is… I don’t have to act in a vanilla way at all…. and its fucking fantastic…

Just a thought.

Fight Club

So my feelings from the meltdown are now gone…

and I am reconciling myself to the fact that my insiders are back…. they have been fairly quiet .. so I am hoping that …. that will be the way it will be now on… and I can live my life the way I want to…

I still feel not right about knowing they are back… like I am broken… in some way.. or I am maybe sad… I always had trouble identifying my feelings…

Each day…. things will happen and it just confirms more and more I am an aspie…

Even this morning… Ruben was pulling my leg about how she didnt think you could do banking at the post office and I in my aspie way believed she actually thought that… lol and then Ricky Rubens partner chimed in and they both were pulling my leg but I seriously thought they were genuine… we had a good laugh afterwards but it just cements in my head that I am different…

So I am going to fight… to live my life the way I want… to be honest.. the only one who can stop me is myself… no one else…I know at times i struggle, and there will be dark times ahead… but its like at the moment my ray of hope is gone… when I realised the others were still here they killed whatever hope i had of being normal..

I know that is silly to say because I am probably aspie… but its true….I thought i would live without them in my life..

maybe I will.. no one has been out since the other day.. I have heard voices a couple of times… but nothing like it used to be… not the crowd or the commentary gallery..

Oh yes I had a gallery of commentary on my life continually in the background.. analysing and discussing everything I did or say.. or voices offering advice.. or support…

So I will fight .. but at the moment it feels like I have no fight left to give.