I guess I should explain about Grant… he did end up being an asshole and we are not seeing each other anymore… which hurt but I realise I don’t need to be someone else’s doormat again or at all. He kept saying that I was ungrateful that he had helped me and that I was ungrateful that he had paid for petrol to come and see me. He lives 45 minutes away.. and he had paid for a couple of coffees and two meals..? Seriously? I was as polite as I could be but he must have been angry because I wasn’t grateful enough.. Bahahaha… I can’t help but laugh… I can’t help the way I am… I did tell him I was difficult and I wasn’t going to change but he obviously thought he could change me…

I ve never had good relationships with males or with my ex wife… I always seem to choose people who are not good for me… who take advantage of me or who are just assholes… I did like John the most… I moved down to Canberra to be close to him but in the end we wanted different things… He was polyamorous and in an open relationship and I was ok with that.. I met his partner and she was a lovely lady… and she knew about me… and everything and I stayed at their house a lot but my other personalities thought I needed someone 24/7 and so did I.. oh  sorry… yeah.. I have mpd and I was diagnosed in 2012 which is why I think it’s going to be hard to get a diagnosis for aspergers.

So John was ok with me being polyamorous ..lol… so he said…

Can you see the writing on the wall?…I started seeing a young man who was submissive and he was ok.. but not what I thought I wanted at the time.. then I met this gentleman Grant and I thought he was it…but nooo low and behold once again… im left alone…

But this time I’m actually feeling ok about it.. its not the end of the world if it didnt work out… its not the end of the world if he doesn’t like me.. I am who I am.. and no more no less..

My other personalities were always on a mission to find someone for me… they believe in love ever after and soulmates and all that sort of stuff… and were constantly trying to understand relationships and about people… And I’m wondering if that is because I never understood about people.. about how to act in social situations… Im fantastic at masking my social anxiety and it was even easier when my other personalities were around because they were normal in that they were not scared and didn’t have anxiety like I did.. so I could have relationships as bad as they were and I had a job. They would go to work and I could feel normal because they helped with that… but now in mid January they have decided I don’t need them anymore they thought Grant would help me and so they went inside and shut the door and now they are gone and I don’t know what to do… what to feel or anything… I am lost.. I feel so scared… I’m all alone in my head after 47 years and I’m scared… I’m scared of the unknown… of what’s going to happen to me…

I have always felt young in my head.. and I knew that was not how I was supposed to feel… I was supposed to feel like a grown up and want and do grown up things… and I never have… I like cartoons and reading and colouring and animals.. music and movies……Im fascinated by nature… I find these lines of caterpillars on my early morning walks and I could watch them for hours.. this morning I found a line of 37 of them.. just all in a line.. these little furry caterpillars…. head to tail crossing the footpath… I wish I had my camera as I would have taken a picture… it looked so cool…

But I just assumed it was because of Fifi… she is 3. She is one of my main personalities… But she is also gone.. and I feel different… I feel clearer in some ways in my head and in other ways I am so confused… I have trouble with directions… I have to use a gps to drive anywhere and even then I get confused by the instructions on the gps… I get distracted easily and don’t ask me to study because I can’t concentrate long enough.. to learn anything…

I never cared what other people thought of me… I knew I had mpd for 12 years or so before I even went to get diagnosed… the others didn’t care about other people and in some ways that was detrimental to me as my relationships with my family and my three grown children was damaged by that…

I see asperger traits in all three of my children…. especially my youngest… she did go to a psychiatrist about 2 years ago who said she thought my youngest had Aspergers but she didn’t like the psychiatrist and did not continue the sessions. I know she has learnt her own coping skills to deal with life but it makes me so sad I could not support her emotionally at the time.

My eldest has cut me out of her life because of my mental illness and that hurt so much but I know she needs to look after herself first and foremost and knowing she is safe and happy with where she is right now I have to deal with that… as a mother I want to be there and help my children so much and it hurts that I can’t.. it hurts that I wasn’t as good a mother as I could have been and I’m not making excuses but I know because of my mental illness I wasn’t. Because of my personalities wanting to live their own lives in the past they made stupid decisions which I have to take responsibility for. And yeah that sux… because I know they are parts of me and at the end of the day someone has to take responsibility and I am left holding the bag.




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