My Secret Worlds

As I grew as a child so did my imagination and my secret worlds….where I could go and be whomever I wanted… fantasy and science fiction mixed up with lots of romance..lol

I remember sitting in the library at my school and I was reading “Where did I come from?” The thing was I knew what men and women did sexually .. I always seemed to know from a very young age… and I never thought about how I knew… my parents never had the talk with me even as a teenager because they just assumed that i found out from other teenagers or my older sisters… but I knew from my father.. I can’t call him that though… because in my mind i always saw him as “The dark man” and that’s who he was to me for a very long long time… my insiders and I couldn’t think of him as a father or Dad because he wasn’t… he betrayed that trust you are supposed to have in your father.. that knowledge that this man will always love you.. have your back… give you away at your wedding.. help you move house… all those sorts of things he took away from me when I was little by sexually abusing me… I guess I’m lucky in that I don’t have any visual memories of him abusing me… I have one and that was enough for me… the rest were body memories and PTSD symptoms, anxiety, depression, suicidality, etc…

I’m not going to go into details just to say I was always terrified of him touching me sexually and I never knew why until my insiders came out and I found out the truth.

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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