BDSM

BDSM.jpg

About ten years ago while I was with my ex wife. Both of realised we were very kinky. She wanted to be submissive and asked me to dom her. I was so upset at the thought of hurting her like she wanted me to that I made a personality just for that. Two actually came out to deal with this new crisis for me. I hated seeing anyone in pain and at the time I was a huge softy. So Dom and Beast came out. Dom was in his late forties. He was an old guard dominant. He was very wise and gentle but firm. He knew all her tells and could sense when she went into sub space. He also knew when to bring her out and what to do with every situation that she wanted. Beast on the other hand was full of rage and he was fueled by hunger… a terrible hunger to maim, hurt and even kill. She was into asphyxiation and being choked. She couldn’t get enough of it. Beast used to bite and mark her and he so wanted to take her over the edge until she wasn’t breathing. But Dom controlled him and always pulled him away at the right time. As soon as she felt the breath leaving her body she went floating into sub space. I hated it. I hated that she demanded that of me … of us… I felt ashamed and guilt ridden that I had deliberately made alters for her to use. She was such a narcissistic cow and everything was always about her and what she wanted and like a little slave I would scurry to do her bidding.

Now it is ten years later and I am more experienced and happy in my role as a Mistress. I have a few years experience under my belt and research as well as studying male submissives and slaves. I’m not sure if I would want to live with a partner again…. I like my solitude too much … who knows… maybe a sub or slave will come along and convince me to try 24/7 one day.

I am in the process of chatting with three subs.. all very different.. and all interesting in their own way. I like feminization, humiliation and degradation as well as various other activities within the lifestyle. One is an older male and he is 3 hours away.. he says he is looking for a female led relationship and just wants to please… hmm… he enjoys being humiliated and I like that about him plus he believes in female superiority which as far as Im concerned is a load of bull..lol.. but who am I to tell him he cannot call me Goddess and worship me..lol.. each to their own. The second is a sub with little experience but who is enthusiastic so he says.. he is my own age and he has a daughter who is on the ASD. Shrugs.. he also lives 3 hours away. Too early for anything there. The third is a toilet slave who messaged me today. Also still too early to tell anything. You ask what a toilet slave is.. ? lol.. use your imagination and that will tell you. In the beginning I would have thought as you and said that is disgusting.. but over the years I have become desensitised I think and I even enjoy a little as we say toilet play on my own terms.

The world of BDSM is enormous and I could talk about it all day and still not go over everything there is to know about it. I am still learning and will be learning about it for the rest of my life. I have found my little nitch as you could call it in that I enjoy being a Mistress/Goddess and I have no wish to be anything else or to try what I dont want to try. I have been a submissive and a slave at the start of my journey into this dark world and even though there were aspects of it I enjoyed, the control aspect I did not. I like being the one in control and being in charge of what happens within role play and a scene. I would not have it any other way. I like to verbally humiliate men, I like to sexually torture them which to the unknown novice looks like abuse but it is not especially when the other partner is consenting and that is the key. Both parties have to be consenting to all aspects of the scene as well as it being Safe, Sane and Consensual.

That is the only way I will play or Scene with someone and I don’t play with people who use drugs, or alcohol or are sexually unsafe. It is the way it is supposed to be. It is not all about hitting people with whips and floggers and tying them up..lol

I enjoy the mental aspect of it more than anything else. The power rush I get from having a man within my grasp is amazing. I can do anything to him and he gladly submits because he wants to please me. He wants to feel the pain or pleasure of my touch. He wants to feel the excitement and adrenaline rush that not knowing what I will do to him makes him feel. I love getting inside his head and getting him to tell me all about his fantasies and desires no matter how disgusting or dirty he thinks they are I will draw them out of him one by one and then show him how disgusting and pathetic a creature he is and he will be humiliated and ashamed but he will also be amazingly turned on by this. I can and do edge him for hours until he is virtually in tears either begging me to stop or begging me to let him cum. To get that relief after hours of dripping precum and having cbt done to him. He always has the safe word to fall back on whereby I will immediately stop. But I have never heard it used once. Mistress Carnal one of my alters spent a lot of time teaching me how to tell a lot about a man when he is aroused and about cbt and edging as well as how to get inside the mind of a man. Inside his sexual fantasies. I have the capacity to be whatever a man desires… Im not sure if that is because I can be an excellant actress and mimic or whether from having MPD.

I can and have had men wrapped around my finger. It wasnt a conscious desire that I wanted but a desire to please him and not myself that sent me down that road. I am a people pleaser.

What is more pleasing to a man than being the woman of his fantasies…. So I whored myself to get love for is that not what I was doing?

It took me a while to be conscious that I was doing this. And an even longer time to deliberately stop doing this.

Even with the others gone I can take on the role of a dominant confident goddess with a submissive or slave. At least this I can do well in private.

So.. this is who I am.. I am complicated… I am different…I am a Goddess… I am a Mistress… I am a little girl at the same time as being a grown woman…I am an aspy and a multiple. And I feel so inadequate for this life I have been given.

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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