I look at photos of myself as I was growing up and I feel no affinity for the girl in the pictures… no familiarity.. there is no sense of recognition. It is like I’m looking at someone else’s life, some other person. I’m not sure if this is Aspergers or my MPD…..
I had episodes in my life of paranoia, and schizoid thinking…. I remember one time I woke up and thought third world war had started and I truly believed this.
I always had background noise in my head.. music.. conversations.. people talking… phrases… counting… etc… it never stopped it never let up and it was continual….I would constantly hear the phrase ‘Fi Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an Englishman’ as a child and for many years after I grew up.
The counting in my head gets worse when Im stressed or anxious…. I count when Im out in public… when Im stressed and alone and upset I rock… I love rocking chairs and as a child if I was in a house with a rocking chair I would be in it.
I rub my feet together to go to sleep… I wriggle and move my toes and feet constantly and I tap my fingers and count them as i tap….
I used to spin myself to sleep in my mind…. every single night… and I would pass out..
My mind was my world… I loved nature but it could not make me go away like my mind could…..I love words and writing… one day Id like to write a book but I find tasks and staying on task daunting…