Through the Mirror

Most days I feel unconnected to the world around me…like Im the one in the fishbowl and everyone else is on the outside… Inside my head I feel disconnected and alone.

When I feel like this is when I feel most alien… to everything around me… It was different when the others were here…. i could hear them inside my mind.. joking around… chatting.. and I felt a sense of comfort knowing they were there… that I was not truly alone… now they are gone.. and its just me… thinking… feeling depressed…. wondering how I am going to cope now they are gone… Im feeling very down today… not all the time… but it comes and goes… I wonder if I will ever feel happy when Im like this… will I ever have that special someone who wants to be with me and doesnt have an agenda…

My eldest sister said something to me when I saw her a few weeks ago and it has stuck in my head.

Everyone has an agenda … something they want from you… no one is without one… when I meet Grant after that talk… I wondered what his agenda was… what he wanted from me…I know he wanted to fullfill his desires of sexual fantasy… he wanted to have someone love him and accept him for who he is…. he also wanted someone who would live with him and make life easier for him financial wise… I guess everyone compromises in their relationships… the husband goes out to work and the wife gives him sex and children.. looks after the house… and pampers him.. 50s style..

I saw a interview with a jewish rabbi this morning.. and I gather from what he said that someone does not love you for who you are.. they love you for what they have given you… as in they give you there love or a part of them and that part of them they have given you which is then inside you is what they love…

It seems very confusing to me… so people dont love you for who you are… they love you for what you can give them. At least thats what I think..

So.. people love me for what I give them in return.. ehh?

What happened to loving someone because you like them.. but then if I like someone because they make me laugh.. thats doing something for me.. isnt it? and etc.

I am a simple person… if I like someone because they make me laugh and I find them interesting is that bad?

What then is altruistic love?

Noun- Unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others; behavior by an animal that is not beneficial to or may be harmful to itself but that benefits others of its species
Altruistic Love
Also called
Unconditional Love (Agape)
A specific type of love in which care, tenderness, and affection is freely given while expecting nothing in return
“By altruistic love, I mean the kind of love that expects nothing in return, the kind that is given freely and generously with the other person’s good in mind” (Koenig, 2007)

Does anyone even believe in this love anymore?

In today’s society it is all about money and gratuitous sex and “getting somewhere”

Whatever happened to helping others just because we can?

What happened to Love… everyone wants something from you… they might not say it out loud but down the track their actions will speak for them. And they will always show their true colours.

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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