Ancst

I seem to be full of ancst tonight..I just feel like writing and writing and writing… Pervaue was supposed to talk to me online tonight and he didnt turn up… i was disappointed and hurt but I should not have been surprised… he might say he wants a mistress but I think as he mentioned in one of his emails that he was diagnosed with aspergers… im like geez what is it with  me meeting and liking men who have incidentally got aspergers!!!!   Grant was also an undiagnosed aspy.. grrr..

Still feeling spacey in my head .. i am starting to recognise the signs of my anxiety now.. I didnt before… I never used to know what i felt if it wasnt intense…. either one end of the emotional rainbow or the other..

Also I have noticed since the others are gone.. my emotions are raw… its like someone has ripped a bandaid off a sore…

I feel things very deepy and they hurt.. actually hurt… it could be something as simple as watching a mother and baby in an ad and i will start crying.. or watching the news.. someone dies and I cry..

Just thinking about things too much and I cry…

its like this world wasnt made for people who feel so much… who empathise so deeply…

this is me… this is how I feel… I feel so much empathy for others that it hurts me…

I cried so much seeing that horrible video on facebook showing the dead children in Syria and the people just carrying their bodies and piling them in the van… washing their clothes and bodies to get rid of the horrible chemicals… even thinking about it I am getting upset and tearful..

the thought that someone could be the slightest bit mad, angry or disappointed in me just gives me a meltdown…

The other week I thought Ruben was saying that that i was bad and she was disappointed having a mother with aspergers… i felt instantly devastated and i started crying…

i just cant seem to handle heavy duty feelings anymore… i never knew how much the others covered for me until now and they are gone…

 

 

 

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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