Confidence

bdsm (1)

I guess looking at BDSM as an interest. It is probably the one major interest/obsession that I have other than colouring and learning about Aspergers at the moment.

It gives me confidence like nothing else can. Learning that I have Aspergers and having the others go inside and shut the door gave my self confidence a huge hit. I feel more confident and happier when I am doing things that are BDSM related. Just talking to others about kink makes me happy..lol

Im not much to look at.. honestly Im not… I have hazel eyes.. freckles.. Im only 5’3 and I weigh over 130kg… I have dark brown hair which is thinning as I get older and which I have to dye every month.. but when I am made up so to speak and I dress as the Mistress I am… that all goes away… and the submissives I am with dont see any of that.. they see their mistress.. who is sexual and witty.. demanding, loving, sensual  and sometimes a bitch…yes I can be a bitch when I have to be.. if I know it turns a slave on to have his face pushed into the floor and my crop used across his ass I will do it because I get enjoyment out of his enjoyment of what I do to him.

It makes me feel confident that even though I am not what society thinks of as beautiful there are males out there who find me very desirable. Shrugs .. that is how I get my kicks… I’m not going to apologise for them.. or myself.. why should I?

This is an integral part of who I am… I like this side of me.. it’s not all I am.. I still feel vulnerable.. I still am scared and anxious when I go out in public…

I guess it is a coping mechanism for me in a way.. to find people I can connect with in some way. I don’t know… for me.. being a Mistress gives me the same feeling as when I’m home alone and no one is going to be home for hours… and you just relax and have that feeling of safety and security and that feeling of  “Oh at last I can be myself …”

Not sure if I have explained it properly or not but that is it.

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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