It is my birthday today… and it reminds me of how old I am getting and how time speeds on….
I have misplaced so much of my life… oh dont get me wrong… I love my children and would never not have had them… but I guess we all make mistakes in our lives and if I could do over I would… I would never had had anything to do with the people I have had bad relationships with…for a start…and I think that would have made all the difference.
Every single relationship I have had with males and the one female have been detrimental and abusive in one kind or another… I dont know what it is like to have a “normal” relationship .. I dont know the dynamics I guess you could say of a “normal” relationship and that makes me sad…
Being sexually abused by a parental figure warps your mind.. it is detrimental to the way you see yourself, those around you and your life.
I was 3 and I wanted to kill myself… not that I knew then that that was what I wanted… all I knew was that I wanted everything to go away… and it did .. but not in the way I wanted…. my brain took over and I disassociated…
So.. in the past I have hated my birthdays… I hate attention… always have… partly due to aspergers and partly due to the abuse… never wanted attention as then if someone payed close attention they might find out my secret and then he would know and he would tell my mother what a horrible little girl I was and then she would go away and I couldnt handle that… my mother was and is the rock i clung to so desperately when I had nothing… she was my everything… even now it brings me to tears to think of losing her.
And I know realistically if Im 48 and she is 77 that she does not have many years to go and that terrifies me… to have to live in a world where she is no more will break my heart..
Its one of those cannot compute thoughts… in all my life she is the only I know I can rely on…. now Im crying..lol and my daughter will be here in ten minutes and I dont want her to catch me crying…lol… ahhh the joys of being a mother..