Too Much

I feel mentally drained.. tired.. and exhausted.. and you ask what did I do ? to feel like that…and you would laugh if I told you…

Not much in many peoples eyes… not much at all but to someone with Aspergers today was a mountain..

First of all I went to the local Gym with Ruben and I signed up.. I had to smile and pretend that what the dude was telling me was interesting.. as I did I fucked up the form and didnt fill it out properly.. that is normal for me..

Then knowing there were other people there and praying in my mind they would not look at me.. I had to endure the dude explaining the bike machine to me even though I already knew how to use it…

Also to stress me out even more the bike next to me had an older man using it.. and I  just wanted to flee…

So I had 20 minutes of riding the bike next to him and pretending I could not hear his breathing and sweating and body movements constantly while the radio was playing and my bike was moving and the tvs were playing on the wall and the man a couple of metres away was grunting rythmically as he did situps etc and I could hear people all through the gym working out..

takes a breath suddenly… do you get the idea…. too much… everything is too much.. I hear everything and its all imploding in my brain…

then we had to leave and Ruben took me to the local uni as I start an academic writing course there tomorrow…

Ruben is good.. she walked me from the carpark to the room I need to go to.. showed me where to play for parking.. where the library is..

it was stressful and I could hear everything around me.. but everyone was spaced out and the gardens were big.. the campus was well spread out… so that wasnt too stressful..

we then came home for lunch and then i left for my psych appt. Mind you I have been there twice already but I still got lost and had to call Ruben to give me directions.. I think I have it set in my head now… but I dont know..

That stressed me out as I cant stand being late…or people who are late..

SO.. I arrive at the psych and thank fucking god the woman in with her was 5 minutes over so i got there in time.. talking with the psych even though it is one on one.. is anxious causing as we talk about stuff that stresses me out and makes me anxious so I was stimming the whole time and I kept looking anywhere but in her face…

I did as much as I could and then I would quickly glance away…

so  then I had to go straight to my drs appt and I drove past the street I was supposed to turn down and didnt realise for like 5 minutes.. then I had to turn around and drive back to take the right turn which freaked me out because once again I thought I would be late.

But thank fuck I was ten minutes early… she wrote me a couple of scripts for meds im on and then sent off the referral to see the psychiatrist for a ASD diagnosis..

I ring him in a couple of days as he is away atm…

then I come home and just sit.. and exhaustion just hits me… like a brick..

thats nothing you think.. what a wimp…

if you think that… then I will gladly give you my symptoms and see how you deal with it…

I dont mind being different.. or thinking differently but the symptoms I have to deal with make it hard to survive in society..

 

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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