Every day my understandings of myself and the people and relationships I have grow.

Everything moves so fast..

Already I have three subs willing and able to play and be a part of my journey and I theirs.

A dom who wants me to peg him…

And as always Serena.. who I am cautiously falling for… I say cautiously because Im trying to save my heart from being broken once again but I fear it is too late…

We are taking it slow and just emailing each other … which I am happy to do.. I dont want her to think I would demand more than she can give…. I dont want her to draw back and get scared… I know people might think I am silly for thinking she is a fragile flower but I cannot help it.. people who are transgender go through so much shit in their lives and they build walls .. very high walls so no one can get in… and with the abuse she had as a child and the life she has led.. well… I can tell you many people would have given up long ago and been rotting in the ground..

She did try once .. but the gun misfired…

I know I am a silly woman to romanticize love. Havent I learnt my lesson yet?..

Obviously not… the heart can take a lot of hits before it gives out completely…

Each relationship I have is a jolt of electricity to restart the hope again..

Is this the one? Is this the person for me?…

Each time they lose interest in me or fail my expectations… the heart stops beating again… is that the same for everyone..? Is that what it is like looking for love?

As a child… having the parental love betrayed… it colored my eyes… to the way I see and interact with others.. I had no set boundaries I could follow…

Friendship offered was like… Oh they like me? do they want sex? are they interested in me sexually?  It was confusing to say the least.

As a teenager… i had crushes on the couple of friends I had.. girls.. i thought I was gay for many years.. then I gave up as I could not find anyone to be gay with ..lololol

The things we think as a teenager…hilarious…

I am not gay, lesbian or really bisexual..

I think i am more pansexual.. its not genders that I am attracted to but more the soul of a person… their personality.. who they are… male or female, trans, asexual… it doesnt matter… people are who they are… its their life experiences that make that up..

So lol Im a kinky fucker…

The only time I ever feel the least bit female is when Im aroused or playing…

No idea why…

Otherwise I guess I feel right in the middle.. not female but not male.. so genderqueer..






Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s