Screaming Inside

Yes I am screaming inside….it hit me tonight….really bad…I had a meltdown…..I never had normal meltdowns like other aspies….oh no I had to be fucking different… Because of the others…no attention is good attention my meltdowns were always screams on the inside…id curl up on my bed and scream and scream and scream…tears streaming down my face….

No one but the others ever heard me scream…..sometimes they would scream with me.

It hit me tonight…..what that brush against my mind meant….they were back…and were never gone….I feel like the whole universe is laughing at me….like I was tricked…one big fucking joke and I was the only one who didn’t understand the punchline… Well I fucking get it now don’t I?

im freaking out inside… I want to burn…I want to cut..I want to do everything I can to make this go away…I feel like they have stolen  my life all over again…..because now I see my future gone..my dreams..my Serena….play partners..my family…all fucking gone….they will take everything from me again…steal my life again…

I can’t ….I can’t go through that again….I can’t..they have taken everything away from me….I’m dying inside…I can’t do this again…I had three months of freedom…of rebuilding my life again… Dear god you must fucking hate me to be so cruel…

i want to die…I can’t do this over and over again..I have struggled to rebuild my life and they tear it down again and again……I have lost track of the times I have had to fix their messes and mistakes in my life…I can’t do this…

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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