Screaming Inside

Yes I am screaming inside….it hit me tonight….really bad…I had a meltdown…..I never had normal meltdowns like other aspies….oh no I had to be fucking different… Because of the others…no attention is good attention my meltdowns were always screams on the inside…id curl up on my bed and scream and scream and scream…tears streaming down my face….

No one but the others ever heard me scream…..sometimes they would scream with me.

It hit me tonight…..what that brush against my mind meant….they were back…and were never gone….I feel like the whole universe is laughing at me….like I was tricked…one big fucking joke and I was the only one who didn’t understand the punchline… Well I fucking get it now don’t I?

im freaking out inside… I want to burn…I want to cut..I want to do everything I can to make this go away…I feel like they have stolen  my life all over again…..because now I see my future Serena….play family…all fucking gone….they will take everything from me again…steal my life again…

I can’t ….I can’t go through that again….I can’t..they have taken everything away from me….I’m dying inside…I can’t do this again…I had three months of freedom…of rebuilding my life again… Dear god you must fucking hate me to be so cruel…

i want to die…I can’t do this over and over again..I have struggled to rebuild my life and they tear it down again and again……I have lost track of the times I have had to fix their messes and mistakes in my life…I can’t do this…



Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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