Stupid

I still feel so stupid… fuck…

I dont know if I can live with them anymore… I cant handle the thought of everything being taken away from me again…

and that kills me… the thought of what I would be leaving behind me…

My children.. I cant stand the thought of hurting them in such a way…

But Im not sure I can live this way anymore…

Someone somewhere is laughing at me… at this huge joke they played on me…

I just want to go away .. disappear and not come back… if that means dying… maybe that would be best…

I have fought being suicidal since I was 3 years old.. and I wanted to cut my hand off… because he made me touch him… how long do I have to fight to survive… I am so tired of having to fight these feelings, of being this way inside my mind… I feel like everything that I wanted… has been snatched away..

My future my goals.. I want to say I will fight .. I will survive… I can do this… but I just dont know if I can anymore… Im so tired… tired of trying.. of trying to get better …

I need someone to just pick me up and carry me those last few metres ….to the finish line…

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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