My mind is my Prison

At times I feel like I am a prisoner in my own head… i crave the company of others, laughter, fun and friendship, even love but then I crave my solitude and being alone… Its a constant fight in my head… When I have had enough of talking online with people I know I just shut down.. I don’t want to talk anymore, I don’t want to have to deal with people and their demands on me… As much as I love chatting with my new friends… all of a sudden its too much… too strenuous… I am too tired or need time alone….

I am struggling this afternoon, today was a good day and then no one is online to talk to… Ruben and Ricky are off doing something… and I am alone… and that is why I am feeling down and alone… and I want to just cry for I feel so lonely and I crave the company of others… but also want to be alone… that is why I want to cry… because I hate feeling like this…. I want to shake the bars of my mind and scream… break them and escape…. run through the long dry grass like I did as a child with no care in the world… barefoot… the summer sun burning down on me…. turning my skin brown as a berry… one with nature… exploring and focusing on the microcosmic word beneath my feet… the ants, scorpions and centipedes… so many of them… hearing the wind in the trees, the sound of the waves crashing on the back beach a distant roar I could hear 24 hours a day….where is that little tomboy now… who climbed pine trees over 20 meters high and would sit right at the top….the wind moving the branches and whispering it would shake me from my perch..

I would spend hours sitting in the trees and daydreaming of another life.. didn’t matter where as long as it was far away from where I was…. when I was 12 I would fantasies about running away to Melbourne and living on the streets… but the fear of the unknown was greater than my fear of staying where I was…..and so I was a prisoner…

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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