Words – Trigger- Incest

Words have always been my friends… putting my thoughts down in concrete so I can think clearly…. Reading them in books so I can escape into a world I would want to live in forever… frozen in time…. while the outside world passes by… I could easily live in a book… being one thing that people read over and over… a book in a library maybe… picked up by strangers… read and then put down again… left on the shelf when my popularity is over… to sleep and dream my life away… dreaming of being picked up again… the pages of my book turned and felt and enjoyed…

If I was a book.. I wonder what sort of book would I be…. a cook book… non-fiction…. or a hardcore erotic novel…lololol… funny thought….. Roo would like it… he is not online tonight and so I am spending time here… filling your ears with useless words… trying to keep your attention until it wanders to thoughts of your day and what you have to do…. what words do I have to keep your interest… words of love… danger… and life… I write nonsense… I wonder if you think I’m as crazy as I think sometimes… what do you think … you wonder what sort of person i am… I am a sad person…. I grieve for things in my past and in my present.. and I even grieve for things in my future that I know I will never have… I should be grateful shouldn’t I ?… I should appreciate what I have and not whine about not having anything…. (you think I am selfish?)… that for once in my life I’d like things to be a little bit easier… maybe I am… a selfish naive foolish woman… who should appreciate she has a roof over her head, food on the table and family who love her… friends who care… maybe your right…

The heaviness in my heart never goes away… it leads a long way back… the string attached to my heart… leads back.. through my life… I follow it… thinking where will it lead me…. back .. back.. to my childhood … and I slowly stop… for I know where that piece of string leads… and I hate it… I hate it with a passion… if I could of killed him I would of… my father… that man who broke me… stole my innocence… my joy… I just want to scream at him… WHY.?!!! WHY??!!! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT??!!!!

He stole… my life… everything I was and could be.. he stole it and he didn’t even care…what sort of man does that to his own child… it wasn’t like I was adopted or a foster child…. I was his own flesh and blood… what gave him the right to do those sick fuck things to me… where does anyone get off being able to do anything like that to  a child….He didn’t even touch my siblings… “Don’t tell or Mummy will go away forever”… “Be a good girl and Mummy won’t go away”… Don’t tell or everyone will think your a horrible little girl and Mummy will go away and you won’t see her ever again”….

WTF… was wrong with you?.. I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs…. how could you… you sick fuck… how could you…. where did you think you had the right to do those things…

I remember… I remember… the taste in my mouth… the spitting and gagging… washing my mouth frantically… trying to get rid of the taste… throwing up repeatedly into the sink…

You are lucky you died in your sleep Old Man… because if I ever saw you now… I would kill you… and no… I’m not joking… I am fucking serious… yeah… I’m not Fiona… I am an insider and I would kill him and I wouldn’t give a shit… he never gave a shit about her… he always looked at her like she was nothing… with such disgust in his eyes… he was such a fake person… always pretending in front of other people… but we saw the real person… everyone thought he was such a nice guy… he played football for the local club… was involved in scouts, had many people who respected him… and no one knew his dirty little secret… he would sneak into her bedroom at night… before he went to the markets in the city … in the early hours of the morning…. especially if it was raining…. as they lived in a house with a tin roof… it would drown out her cries if anyone heard… her brother was always such a heavy sleeper… he never knew… and the two weeks her mother went away… were hell because then he could take her into his room and the other siblings would be asleep.. even as I type this she is backing away in denial….she knows I speak the truth as she remembered getting up one night and looking for her mother and she was gone…. and he was the only one there…. pedophile…

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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