Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….

Ridiculous

Ok…. now this is getting ridiculous… we have to stop and say no..no …no… too many people want to play and we just dont want to play with them… Fiona has trouble saying no fuck off… but I do not.. so I will be taking charge of our fucks from now on…lol

Yeah its Gyle…

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least… Fiona was talking to Ollie in her room with the door shut but the house is so quiet Ruben heard her talking and came in after the call and said “so they are back?” and yes… we admitted we were… rolls my eyes…

Ruben was very accepting and of course she would be ..lol.. she is my child after all…

Ruben was happy to see me again… as it had been ages since we had talked… Ruben loves knowing I here as she is the most like me…. as we both like being organised and are goal orientated…

Fiona was worried Ruben would see her as mentally ill and sick but Ruben does not and does understand that its all about coping skills and living a stable and healthy lifestyle…

We did speak for quite some time and Ruben and I have the same sense of humour… Ruben is very funny… she continually cracks us all up…

On another note Serena wrote back and calmed Fiona’s fears which was good… now we have decided Fiona will just be us and we here and we will just do what we want and not worry about what other people think of her… which she does constantly… not a good way to live… Ruben suggested that we go back to our old psychologist in Morayfield as she might have the expertese to diagnose Fiona with autism as it is complicated with having MPD…

We have asked Serena to come over on Thursday as she has the day off work and hopefully she will stay for dinner… nothing special as Fiona does not want to make a big deal out of her meeting Ruben and Ricky but just wants to spend time with Serena getting to know her more… i think that would be interesting… Fiona so wants Ruben to approve of Serena and I think she would…

None of us liked Grant as he was up himself and a bore and Ruben saw that straight away…lol He did nothing but talk about himself. Ha what a fuckstick…

Might be having a coffee with a wannabe sub… this afternoon…

Andrew who was the sub who moved from Cairns… ehhh…. is very frustrating…

He has to move to the goldcoast for work… and wont be moving to the sunshine coast until maybe August or October… which puts a little kink in our play… not much though if he is willing to travel and we are willing to travel down there once he has his own place and time… but right now he is very busy….

So our youngest is busy with work and study… maybe in a couple of weeks we will get to see Natasha after exams are finished and she is on her midyear break…

Our mother will be up in a couple of weeks… so that should be nice to spend time with her… even though I am not fond of her husband… but shrugs … what can you do?

Hmm… think that is it for now… nothing much on today… gym .. and maybe the coffee meet….

Gyle

Fuck

My friend down in Canberra has not been doing so good…

I cannot go and see her as I have no money… just wondering what I can do for her from here…

She has no money and no friends down there…. and lost her job today…. I know she was struggling with depression and this would have just tipped her over the edge… I am so glad she is putting herself in the hospital…fuck…

Embarrased

I feel embarrassed for posting while having a meltdown… but eh… life goes on.

at least the email I sent Serena got a response..lol

I feel so embarrassed and wrote to her telling her so…. Gyle really needs to stop me from doing anything like that in the middle of a meltdown but alas he wasn’t around until just after I sent it… eehhh…. fuck… life sux…

Too Much

I woke up in tears this morning… everything just seems too much… and I just want to die… I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know why it has hit me so hard… yesterday went fine with Mike the masochist… I felt anxious but struggled through our meet Ok I thought…

But then all my fears and doubts about Serena .. surfaced… and I’m not in a good way … I cannot stop crying and it hurts…

I feel that she is not as interested in me as I am in her and that sux… even though it has been two months now and we met two weeks ago… she shows no interested in deepening our relationship… I don’t know… i question myself and her motives…. maybe too much… but the thing is… if she was more interested I would think she would SMS … she would find the time to email me back over the weekend… even though I know she was working… just to say I got your email and will write when I can… she has my friggin mobile for fucks sake…

It galls me that I will always try more than the other person… to make them feel wanted and chased..and I don’t get that in return… it galls Gyle …

I care enough to show someone that they are good enough … they are worthy of love and being accepted as they are… I SMS regularly… I write emails… I skype and call and because they cannot meet me … does not mean I will not show them I am interested.

Serena … nope… she does not call… she never SMS’s… she does not answer my emails even to say she will answer when she has time to…

I know she works long hours and is unwell but it takes nothing to SMS… it takes 5 minutes to reply to an email… and after two months I get the feeling… she just is not that into me…. we only live 45 minutes away from each other…

I want to be someone’s priority … not be put last…. I want someone to at least let me know they want to be with me even though they have to work… and Serena does not…

And I hate second guessing myself… …. I feel like our getting to know one another has stalled and I don’t know how to make it go again….

I respect that she works long hours and has a demanding job… I respect that she is unwell at the moment and her housemate has cancer and Serena has to look after her… I understand all that… and would be happy to wait if she showed more interest in me but she doesn’t… and that is what I need… to know that she is as interested in me as I am in her…. and I have a gut feeling that I am not her type physically or mentally…. even though she has told me things she would never tell anyone else…

That is easy to do over the internet… an anonymous person at the other end… sure .. shrugs… I do it here..lol

I don’t know shit about anyone who reads my words and … it’s that someone is listening… that counts…

Yes Im an insecure bitch I  know… and I could be imagining all this but when someone you like posts on Facebook and doesn’t answer your emails… yeah… that is never a good sign and my gut feelings… are never wrong…

Im an honest and weird little duckie…

But somedays I fucking wish I was a normal little duckie… sighs…

Loved Many

I have loved many people in my life… from when i was little to now… and it always amazes me the capacity the human soul has to get up again after it has fallen over and been trodden on…

As a child it was my friends and family… the few children who would play with me and my brother…

As a teenager it was a couple of girls who accepted me for who i was…

As a young woman it was the young men who slept with me…..

As a mother it was my children …..

As a foolish woman it was a troubled young woman who had control issues and maybe should have been put down at birth because fuck she was nasty….

Sorry Pandora .. piss off… please…

As a grown woman… a few foolish men who were weak and one who was too gentle for one such as me….

Now…. in the middle of my life… and grown into my skin I want to fly with someone and hold them close in my arms at night… I want to let them see me as I really am and revel in my dominance and sexuality….

Pandora is so not who I thought she was…. yes she used to hate men and I only ever felt her anger when she didnt like something… but she is letting me see more of her than she ever has… and I am liking who she is…. not sure why she is coming to the fore now… maybe because I am stepping out into the world of kink for the first time … or maybe just because she wants to …

I have no idea really… all I know is I want to revel in the world of BDSM and dominate men, be sadistic and enjoy my life to the fullest….

Ownership

Why does it resound so loud within my soul… the thought of owning a man completely….because that is what I crave… I desire it so much… to have my collar around his neck and have it locked on forever… the thought just makes me so happy….

I think it is the willingness that someone would literally go that far to be with me… To give over their body, mind and soul…

To love and trust me that much… would be my heaven….