Ok.. I give in.. sighs… yes they are back.. not with a vengeance but definitely hanging around… ehhh… so not happy but what can I do.. I went for my walk yesterday and someone decided to go with me…its very weird you know walking along and feeling totally male and my body is female..lol

I know its the music.. they all adore music… when they were around previously I would wake up in the morning to music playing in my head.. and i could hear the song perfectly .. then when my brain adjusted to being awake it was like turning a switch off… sometimes a song will get stuck in my head and i will hear it over and over again.. i  know all the words and everything but if you asked me out of the blue what songs I liked or artists.. I couldnt tell you..lol

So because I am a big woman… weight wise .. the males in me love that.. lol.. god knows why.. I think it makes them …. god knows why… feel more manly or muscly.. bahahaha… which is so not me… IM a chubba bubba.. lol… I always used my weight after I had my kids to hide behind… no one sees you if your fat… no one thinks your attractive.. no one wants to know you… fat people are generic just like old people… I would stop dying my hair and just have grey white old hair but Im vain when it comes to my hair..lololol… plus I dont want to look old.. I would hate that… not sure why but I would…

So out in public I feel invisible…. but then there is the ‘fat’ line where if your too big people look at you more..ehhhh…. in the end I just say fuck it I will do what I want…

But now I am having to lose weight because of my health.. I have found I like working out.. I like the feeling I get of walking… of getting fitter… I seem to be getting off on it.. lol

Plus since mid January I have lost nearly 20kg.. only another 2 to go.. and that was the first goal I set myself… so Im a little bit chuffed about that… god I have so much more to go … like about  60 kg to go…..but its a start and as long as i see the scales go down every Sunday Im happy. I have got used to what Im eating.. and I love salad and veges now…

I did like being a runner… that is what Im dying for… to be able to run again.. I adored it… sometimes I felt like i could run forever…




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