Words from the Heart

As a child and as a woman writing has always expressed who I am…my feelings and thoughts..
The written word was always an escape into another world from a life of incest and unhappiness… I lived in a world shadowed with the confusion I felt for what was happening to me and a knowledge of it I could not remember….
There are gaps in my life which I look back on and I wonder who I was at that particular time… It frustrates me greatly that I do not remember certain times… they are like gaps in a movie where the screen flickers white with white noise and a flickering sound…
There are times when I grieve for the little girl I was who grew up uncertain about the people around her…a stranger in her own family… I grew up without a father…in my eyes he was a man with the soul of a monster… he could disguise his falsehood in front of others but when alone …. his true colours shone through and not in a pretty way…
Books were my escapism… my chariot to other worlds and places I would run to… it didnt matter what their genre was or what style… as long as I could escape I would be happy… but unfortunately¬†it was always for such a short time and then down to earth I would fall…back to the stark reality that was my life… a life of loneliness.. fear… and insanity…
There were many times I felt the touch of madness… at times I craved to feel her touch… for in madness I thought surely I could know peace…. for the truly mad do not know their reality… they live in a world beyond ours… they have no knowledge of what they say that can be construed as madness…
This was what I desired.. to forget.. to have no knowledge of myself or what was happening…
In a way my wish did come true….I forgot… others came and took my place… other little girls and boys took upon themselves the punishment and sexual perversions that he seemed to delight in using upon my body and mind…
Without those little children taking my place I would not have survived in mind or body…
Some would think I am broken… a fractured soul.. because what he did to me pulled my mind apart… but the others saved me… held me safe within their arms… and I grieve … I weep and scream…for the loss of my innocence …
but at the end of the day… I survived.. I fought….and I won…

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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