I am Scared

I admit it… I am scared.. I am terrified of loving.. I am tired.. sooo tired of falling for the wrong people…. not bad people but circumstance has made them bad for me…

I hurt inside.. I grieve … and all I want is someone to hold me and say “Everything will be Ok’… is that so hard… so bad I want someone to just do that for me.. its such a simple thing I ask…

I just want someone to love me for who I am.. not my others… not what they or I can do for them.. but for me… just me.. no one else.. no masks.. nothing…. and i would give them everything…

I dont know if I can ever let go .. let go of the control .. let go of who I am.. I have built the wall so high… it is impossible to climb… who would ever want to make the effort anymore…

Im not young… I have nothing.. but myself… and who wants that… who needs me..

I can feel myself falling for Serena… in all my vulnerability and awkwardness.. I am falling for someone I haven’t even met yet…  Have I not learnt my lesson yet…

I thought she was on skype tonight… and my heart literally jumped out of my chest…then the disappointment came and it was too much…

I think maybe I should say goodbye to her and say I changed my mind… but its too late… I feel the chains on my heart pull tight and they hold me…

Advertisements

Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s