For as long as I can remember there was the gallery… a chorus of voices that chatted in the background… discussed what I was doing.. who I was talking to… even commenting on my conversations… things around me…. a constant noise in the back of my head…

When I had meltdowns they would scream and shout at me… voices full of hatred and violence… mostly as a teenager I think when they hated me the most… That was when I dreamed of dying.. .suicide was my constant companion… at times I really thought I was going crazy because of them…

I have no idea how much they influenced my life until they actually started coming out… i do remember at times in my life I was very different… like a butterfly I went from one stage to another…

It wasnt until they came out that I understood why I always heard them…. and my fathers betrayal.

I could never understand how I knew about sex at such an early age… I knew it all by the time I was 6 and I had no idea other children did not know as I did. I remember reading the book “Where did I come from” in the school library and I knew already what it was about…..I was terrified of my father touching me sexually… for as long as I can remember… I hated him touching me…he was not a physical affectionate man so I was glad for that… he was very sarcastic and seemed to enjoy putting my siblings and I down….

I look at photos of when I was little before I was 6 and I see him holding me in his lap… and I never looked happy… I never smiled in the photos… I looked like a solemn little girl… a doll…

He blackmailed me into keeping quiet and my others did the rest… I dont know if it ever would of come out in therapy… I do remember my mother asked me at 15 if I wanted to go and see someone… for my eating habits… but I was terrified… and said no..

Sometimes I wonder what would of happened if I had gone.

So… a lot of things about my insiders and my childhood only came out years later…

like my memory of them saying Goodbye to me when I was 6… Gyle, Mirriam and Goliath… used to look after me when I was little and I was Fifi…. so maybe Fifi is the original little girl and I am the one who came after… because I have no memories before I was 6.






Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s