My Introduction to DID

For as long as I can remember there was the gallery… a chorus of voices that chatted in the background… discussed what I was doing.. who I was talking to… even commenting on my conversations… things around me…. a constant noise in the back of my head…

When I had meltdowns they would scream and shout at me… voices full of hatred and violence… mostly as a teenager I think when they hated me the most… That was when I dreamed of dying.. .suicide was my constant companion… at times I really thought I was going crazy because of them…

I have no idea how much they influenced my life until they actually started coming out… i do remember at times in my life I was very different… like a butterfly I went from one stage to another…

It wasnt until they came out that I understood why I always heard them…. and my fathers betrayal.

I could never understand how I knew about sex at such an early age… I knew it all by the time I was 6 and I had no idea other children did not know as I did. I remember reading the book “Where did I come from” in the school library and I knew already what it was about…..I was terrified of my father touching me sexually… for as long as I can remember… I hated him touching me…he was not a physical affectionate man so I was glad for that… he was very sarcastic and seemed to enjoy putting my siblings and I down….

I look at photos of when I was little before I was 6 and I see him holding me in his lap… and I never looked happy… I never smiled in the photos… I looked like a solemn little girl… a doll…

He blackmailed me into keeping quiet and my others did the rest… I dont know if it ever would of come out in therapy… I do remember my mother asked me at 15 if I wanted to go and see someone… for my eating habits… but I was terrified… and said no..

Sometimes I wonder what would of happened if I had gone.

So… a lot of things about my insiders and my childhood only came out years later…

like my memory of them saying Goodbye to me when I was 6… Gyle, Mirriam and Goliath… used to look after me when I was little and I was Fifi…. so maybe Fifi is the original little girl and I am the one who came after… because I have no memories before I was 6.

 

 

 

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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