In my writing …here…is the only place I feel I can be myself and be heard….and be not misunderstood.

Everyone is off doing stuff and have no time for me….I feel lonely and sad….restless…I cannot concentrate on anything….not even my colouring….as much as I liked it…my interest seems to be waning…and I hate when that happens….

I had a sleep thinking that would make me feel better and yet I feel worse….

i love socialising but I hate when I think someone has lost interest in talking to me….when I meet someone new online and we chat..I know they will eventually ask for a photo and because of my weight nine times out of ten they lose interest….what used to hide me is now a hindrance….and that sux….because of porn men expect dommes to be beautiful amazing creatures who will crack a whip and be total hotties and it is just not so…BDSM is practised  by normal people…. I could join the BBW groups and find someone easily but I refuse to be a fetish…and have someone like me because of my weight..

i sent Serena a message saying I wanted to meet…..she has not replied….I am tired of the waiting game…if she wants me then meet and make a decision…don’t wait three months and leave me hanging….I hate that…make a decision and let’s go to the next stage….ffs…..

You think I am impatient ….ehhh maybe I am….life is too short to be cautious….live it and live it now….for who knows what will happen tomorrow….

i miss Ivy terribly…she is never far from my thoughts….it hurts every day….it was much easier when I did not see any of my children because then I was not reminded daily by their presence of what a shit parent I was and let them down repeatedly……

i hate myself for being weak and letting my ex into their lives…I should have been stronger and just been a single parent….things would of been so different then..



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