Ash betrayed my trust yesterday and to make things worse he took away my safe zone……I haven’t felt like that since I was young and living with my abuser. So when he was sober this morning I explained it to him and I know he felt bad but I cannot play with someone who is so unaware of safety…and personal boundaries….he knew I had problems with touch and I said to stop but he continued anyway…there are some days where I just cannot handle being touched by a man….and he refused to listen and then when I had to yell at him to stop he turned around and made a joke of it and my mental illness….so not a good thing to do to me….then when I demanded he take me home he refused…
There I was hours from anywhere….no public transport and no money to get home….he drank all afternoon and was passive aggressive and verbally abusive….I knew in my head that Ash would not hurt me but my PTSD kicked in and I felt terrified…I know I could of left and I should have….but I didn’t…when I am in that mindset I feel trapped….

Every time something like this happens I feel my faith in men and women….dwindling…I get so tired of hoping there is someone who won’t treat me like shit…… I thought I was safe with Ash….I just cannot tell with people radar sux….

I am glad that even though I felt betrayed and hurt….that I only saw him as a friend….so the damage is small…

I would do anything for the right person have a stable relationship with that special someone…would be so cool….I just want someone who is kinky as fuck, loyal and genuine… and can handle me as I am…be my toy….my best friend and lover……my…I don’t think I am asking too much…am I?….

I just want a proper relationship for once that is positive and not abusive….

My father taught me to hate who I am….and that I was nothing but his sex toy….my mother taught me I was ugly and fat…even though as a child I was a normal weight… siblings taught me to be ashamed of who I was and that I could achieve nothing….the world has taught me that I am invisible ….and worth nothing….and yet I still crave to be loved for who I am….and accepted….

Being a Mistress is an escape for me into another world where I am desired and powerful….I have the control to weld the whip of humiliation and degradation…pain is but another aspect of domination for me…seeing men as pathetic and useless toys for my humiliation a way of releasing my hatred and frustration at what my father did to me…and I so crave to humiliate…and force a man to do my bidding…turning men into sissys and feminization makes me feel safer….and forced bi…well…I like the idea of making a man go through what I did as a child…I guess I am simple to understand….I want revenge against my father and since he died and I cannot ..I like to revenge myself upon men…
It is not something I have accepted about myself until recently…I want to let my inner sadist out to play….I love sex but on my terms…no one else’s and if I have to tie someone up and fuck their ass with a strap on and verbally degrade them at the same time…all the better…then I will…lol





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