I read a message today from a switch… who wants to get to know us…. it is strange how someones message can reverberate deep inside us…

I feel we want to get to know him and yet I am wary after what happened with Ash…

I cannot stop thinking that no one will ever want me… as I am… with no mpd.. no carnal… no pandora… nothing…

I honestly dont know if I am a Mistress or just … shrugs….

One thing he said caught my eye…  “I just want to be made into the perfect man that I can be for my Mistress”…. No one has ever said that… they all comment on their fetishes and what they want… what they are looking for…. he has a fetish list but he does not mention it…. Im a bit non plused… not sure how to take him…. plus i feel cautious as he is a switch… I am scared of dominant men … men who are alphas… men like Ash and MasterJohn who are weak… do not scare me… but men of character …. who could roll me and my mind… they terrify me… I learnt from Master Luke that I was nothing but putty in a strong mans hands… and that terrified me…. that was the reason I ran from Master Luke… I ran to Andy the ABDL because he was harmless and could not hurt me….

I dont want this knowledge… I dont want to know this about myself…. I can pretend infront of others and have Carnal be the Mistress… but I am scared… scared of losing control… of letting go… of just being… with someone… am I just a slave…. fuck…..


Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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