Fuck You

Fuck you Dad…. I fucking hate you… you were never a father to me and im glad I did not love you… for that would of really fucked me up totally if you had been a loving father and then fucking me as well…

You know what really makes me angry is that your still fucking hurting me… even though you have been dead for 7 years… and you still can affect me so much… even from the grave… so fucking thanks for that you prick… your legacy is still well and alive ….

Thanks to Ash… alive and kicking again… fuckstick… he is so fucking stupid he doesnt even know what he has done to me…

I could never understand why i would look up at you and find you watching me with such hatred in your eyes…

People think that because you have aspergers you cannot read who people are … by looking in their eyes… you taught me from an early age that to survive I had to read your intentions … your looks… the way you would look at me… I dont understand why others did not see how fake your smiles and eyes were… when I could see so clearly the hatred and disgust… I have no idea why you hated me so much… Gyle thinks its because you hated yourself for what you did to me… but I dont think so… i think you just needed a scapegoat for your hatred of your life… stuck with a wife and 4 kids… living on the poverty line… working for a father who would not give you your due because he was a skintflint… and kept all his money for himself and his alcoholic girlfriend… used you he did… because he could.. made you work as a child from dawn to dusk… because he worked hard so he made you… feelings were not to be talked about… your mother was not an affectionate woman…

So many things could have set you on your path of incest… what makes it worse is that it was only me… I dont hate my sisters for escaping… I would hate anyone to go through what I did and still do thanks to you…. I just think after you and Mumsy had my brother that you were not expecting another mouth to feed and took it out on me… it put a strain on your finances that three children would not have… I was not planned or expected… I am not sure why you both did not decide to abort me… after all… you did not need another child… plus I was not a boy so not important in your eyes…

I think that Mum being the gentle soul that she was and being brought up Catholic wanted to keep me…

She is my rock… the one person in the world who I know loves me without a doubt and truly wants me to just be happy….

Even when I was young and I had no way to express to her my feelings or thoughts…. and my voice was mute … just knowing she was in my life comforted me… the one constance that has never left me…. when she dies… the light in my world will go out…. and I dont know how I will cope… knowing she is gone… that I wont see her… talk to her or feel her love anymore… Just the thought lately makes me grieve and she is not even dead yet…

So not in a good headspace today…. not good… I would burn but I know others would see and so I dont… I cannot handle the ramifications of Ruben seeing the burns on my arm…

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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