Losing Time

The weekend took away my feeling of being safe in this world…. it took me years to get that feeling after spending 18 years living with my abuser ….and now its gone… and I hate Ash for that… in his incompetence and stupidity he doesn’t even realise or know what he has done… and he wouldn’t even if I explained it to him in terms even a child would understand…

I just want to throw up … the memories are close tonight and I don’t want to see… I don’t want to remember…. but I am so tired of fucking controlling that I just want to lose it and give up… just let what will be will be…

What terrifies me the most is the unknown… that is why losing time is such a big deal for me… the few times I have lost time as an adult…literally just about made me wet my pants… to know that I have no memory of what I did or said… even when I thought I was present is horrifying and makes my stomach tighten with fear….

I remember sitting on my couch one morning after a big night out… just enjoying the solitude and I looked at the clock… 10.15am… then I blinked and it said 10.45….. and I’m like wtf… at the time… I was puzzled as I was awake and alert… I had no idea at the time I had MPD… it wasn’t until it all came out that I thought of that memory and went Ahhh….

It used to puzzle me that I had no memories before I was six… I think if I had gone hunting for the reason why when I was younger before the others came out maybe my life would have been different but my insiders never let me think about it for long and I would continue along my merry way…. oblivious and naive… as they come…

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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