The weekend took away my feeling of being safe in this world…. it took me years to get that feeling after spending 18 years living with my abuser ….and now its gone… and I hate Ash for that… in his incompetence and stupidity he doesn’t even realise or know what he has done… and he wouldn’t even if I explained it to him in terms even a child would understand…

I just want to throw up … the memories are close tonight and I don’t want to see… I don’t want to remember…. but I am so tired of fucking controlling that I just want to lose it and give up… just let what will be will be…

What terrifies me the most is the unknown… that is why losing time is such a big deal for me… the few times I have lost time as an adult…literally just about made me wet my pants… to know that I have no memory of what I did or said… even when I thought I was present is horrifying and makes my stomach tighten with fear….

I remember sitting on my couch one morning after a big night out… just enjoying the solitude and I looked at the clock… 10.15am… then I blinked and it said 10.45….. and I’m like wtf… at the time… I was puzzled as I was awake and alert… I had no idea at the time I had MPD… it wasn’t until it all came out that I thought of that memory and went Ahhh….

It used to puzzle me that I had no memories before I was six… I think if I had gone hunting for the reason why when I was younger before the others came out maybe my life would have been different but my insiders never let me think about it for long and I would continue along my merry way…. oblivious and naive… as they come…


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