Too Much

I woke up in tears this morning… everything just seems too much… and I just want to die… I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know why it has hit me so hard… yesterday went fine with Mike the masochist… I felt anxious but struggled through our meet Ok I thought…

But then all my fears and doubts about Serena .. surfaced… and I’m not in a good way … I cannot stop crying and it hurts…

I feel that she is not as interested in me as I am in her and that sux… even though it has been two months now and we met two weeks ago… she shows no interested in deepening our relationship… I don’t know… i question myself and her motives…. maybe too much… but the thing is… if she was more interested I would think she would SMS … she would find the time to email me back over the weekend… even though I know she was working… just to say I got your email and will write when I can… she has my friggin mobile for fucks sake…

It galls me that I will always try more than the other person… to make them feel wanted and chased..and I don’t get that in return… it galls Gyle …

I care enough to show someone that they are good enough … they are worthy of love and being accepted as they are… I SMS regularly… I write emails… I skype and call and because they cannot meet me … does not mean I will not show them I am interested.

Serena … nope… she does not call… she never SMS’s… she does not answer my emails even to say she will answer when she has time to…

I know she works long hours and is unwell but it takes nothing to SMS… it takes 5 minutes to reply to an email… and after two months I get the feeling… she just is not that into me…. we only live 45 minutes away from each other…

I want to be someone’s priority … not be put last…. I want someone to at least let me know they want to be with me even though they have to work… and Serena does not…

And I hate second guessing myself… …. I feel like our getting to know one another has stalled and I don’t know how to make it go again….

I respect that she works long hours and has a demanding job… I respect that she is unwell at the moment and her housemate has cancer and Serena has to look after her… I understand all that… and would be happy to wait if she showed more interest in me but she doesn’t… and that is what I need… to know that she is as interested in me as I am in her…. and I have a gut feeling that I am not her type physically or mentally…. even though she has told me things she would never tell anyone else…

That is easy to do over the internet… an anonymous person at the other end… sure .. shrugs… I do it here..lol

I don’t know shit about anyone who reads my words and … it’s that someone is listening… that counts…

Yes Im an insecure bitch I  know… and I could be imagining all this but when someone you like posts on Facebook and doesn’t answer your emails… yeah… that is never a good sign and my gut feelings… are never wrong…

Im an honest and weird little duckie…

But somedays I fucking wish I was a normal little duckie… sighs…

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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