Chaotic

Have you ever lived in a houseful of people?

Have you ever had time to yourself in said house?

It is few and far between….The last week I have really felt it….Everyone wants, needs or is demanding something and we just don’t have the money or are in the life situation at the moment to have it…and the others hate it…

“Why can’t I go out drinking and smoking and partying when I want!” Carnal demands….

“Why can’t I have ALL the things I want?” says the Littles …

“Why can’t I smoke and go out whenever I want?!” exclaims Ponyboy…

“Why can’t we have steak, chips and eat whatever we fucking want????” says Bull, Lucius and just about everybody…..

“Why can’t I buy ALL the craft I please???” …questions Mirriam….

“WHY WHY WHY????!!!!….

FUCK ME DEAD!!!!!

Because it is my fucking Life!!!!…because we don’t have it …because-because because!!this is what got us in trouble all my life with money…with people…with situations…!!!

You’re all driving me fucking crazy with your demands and wants….

Deal with it people….sighs…

 

More Sane

The last week seems to have seen me/us feeling more normal…I have no idea how it feels for other people inside their heads when they are feeling other…I don’t even know if I myself can explain it in words a normal sane person could understand…

The voices in the back of my mind….

The feelings that belong to someone else that feel like mine but they are not…Feeling other…Gyle has been here most of the time…I guess he makes me feel more normal than the others as they were never meant to live on the outside….only I was and Gyle…

Sometimes I think I was never the original person…that she is gone…I honestly do not know…I’m not even sure Gyle or the others know, remember or even care….as far as they are concerned we just are….we exist and that seems to be enough for them…I want more…I want to know…I want to learn and be able to validate who I am…

What I want is the secrets of the universe….lol…but how silly of me, no one will ever truly know I guess….

I feel very non-emotional today which is why I know it is mainly me…I don’t seem to feel deep emotions…the others do…the last few days someone has been feeling so much loneliness they have been crying…. they want someone in their lives who can complete them..to laugh with…to share life with…someone to love us just the way we are….

I must admit I would love this…maybe because I would love this so much I dissociate the emotions onto one of the others….maybe Carnal or Fifi…I don’t know…Gyle finds it very frustrating to be sure…

We are going to see Shane tonight…after much stalling and anxiety on his part..lol

Will be interesting to see how we go…

So Long

It feels like we have not been here forever…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin…

Serena has ended up in hospital on a drip with a blood clot in her brain and thyroid problems…

We have dropped Degustacion like a hot potato because what the fuck he was married and we hated the lying….

We had dinner with Jim and Ollie but decided we did not want to play with Jim so no go….

Andrew the prick decided to go and play with some other woman and obviously thought we were hard work…lol

Sunday night it is staying at Shannon and Shanes place…they are poly and have been together 19 years…she is a sub and he has always been vanilla…but would like to try BDSM….so we have been chatting for about a month now…we met and had lunch and omg they are both the best people….genuine and caring…so not promising anything but Shane is a sweetheart and we will only play with sweet submissives and slaves…none others we seem to find any interest in….

On the job front, we are in the process of signing up and doing volunteering with a local charity working in a day respite centre for the disabled close by….paperwork being done next week.

What? The fuck?!

What the fuck is wrong with you Serena?….. I know it’s not your fault that you ended up working longer than you thought you would…..to 5pm instead of 10am….I know it’s not your fault that instead of coming here to dinner you picked up your housemate from hospital and looked after her….but what the fuck is wrong with not messaging me…? What the fuck is wrong with being adult enough to give me yes/no answers instead of I’ll let you know…?bYou knew I had invited you for dinner….what the fuck is wrong with letting me know you were not coming? Did I not make myself clear enough…? Or do you just not care that I ran around all morning..cleaning..shopping and cooking most of the afternoon for you? To then wait and realise you were not going to show…and then when I ask you …you answer with a comment about having Friday off instead…so I ask to spend time with you then and you totally ignore my sms….or decide not to tell me your thoughts…..what the fucking fuck?

Am I a fucking idiot or something? What the fuck am I missing here folks? Am I too invested in someone who might be hedging their bets like Rubén said? Am I ignoring the red flags because I like her too much….? I am totally pissed off…frustrated and upset…she hardly ever writes or messages and never calls ever… It has been fucking six months and we met once like a month ago….this is ridiculous…I know she works ridiculously long hours..? I know she is unwell and I know she has taken it upon herself to look after her housemate who has cancer but what the fuck…?!!! How long do I have to fucking wait? She says she is looking for another job or retraining so she can get a less demanding job…..great I say…fantastic but here and now I’m fucking fed up with fucking waiting…..I want to just turn around and tell her to fuck it I’ve had enough of waiting…she has not shown me she is interested…do I expect too much…fuck…a couple of sms a day and I’d be a happy Chappy….I just cannot deal with this right now….I cannot stand long distance…I’m an impatient person and I don’t take my time like Serena….I feel like saying stop stringing me along and just fucking tell me already….!!

What will be will be…

Time gets away from me and literally runs and hides sometimes….

Yesterday… having a multiple moment… just reminds me how difficult it is coping in society with bills, work, etc… It wasn’t a serious mistake that was made but in my eyes any mistake is serious and I hate making mistakes… I hate forgetting anything… literally does something to my brain when I do… not sure if that is an Asperger’s thing or mpd or what…

Everything has to be organized and done to perfection… I do not understand grey areas… to me everything is black and white…I don’t understand why people are wishy washy..lol

Everything is very simple … it either is or it isn’t… there is no in between…

It is like the sky or the earth… there is no in between…

I have never been a fence sitter… in the past, I would try and see both sides of an argument and try to understand the grey but never did…

And I have now given up on that as it is not productive at all…

Since realizing I was aspie… it’s like I found a manual…. I am finding out things about me and my insiders every day…

Like that information about Pandora… or that Gyle liked mentoring transgender people…

Or that I prefer pre-op or transgender girls for relationships as I feel safe with a female person but love male bodies…

Or that the way I think is a symptom of Asperger’s… still blows me away that I am autistic… now and again I do doubt it but then something will happen and I will be like oh yeah… I am…lol

I feel everything so deeply… everything touches my heart… even a simple message from a friend can make me cry… sighs…