Bad Mistress

It has been a while since I have written here and to be honest I go through stages of not wanting to write…where I feel totally overwhelmed with life and issues and depression.

As an update, I have not been going so crash hot… I fell off the wagon with my exercise and eating healthy and with my budget… so not good but Im getting back into it slowly…

I have been struggling with issues with my mother and with feeling unloved and horrible…and I hate feeling like this…I don’t know how to change the way I am …I understand that Im not unloveable …that I do have redeemable qualities…but I hate my physical body and wish I was dead so often I don’t even admit it to myself… I bury those feelings deep but they are bubbling to the surface and I hate it… I fill myself up with disgust and self-hatred… there are days where I don’t understand what others see in me and I wonder why people even want to be around me and even talk to me… I don’t know how to change this…I can do so many other things to help other people but I struggle to help myself or to give myself any quarter…I was in tears the other day because Ruben was telling me they love me and I cannot handle that..I cannot handle someone telling me they love me because I don’t believe I am lovable…That is the gift my family left me…My father taught me well and my siblings and mother reinforced that belief over the years through no fault of their own I’m sure…

So it is back on antidepressants and off to a new psychologist next week…

I haven’t seen Shane for weeks and I doubt it will ever turn into anything serious and I am supposed to see Serena for the second time tomorrow…sighs…slowly crawls the tortoise…




Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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