Bad Mistress

It has been a while since I have written here and to be honest I go through stages of not wanting to write…where I feel totally overwhelmed with life and issues and depression.

As an update, I have not been going so crash hot… I fell off the wagon with my exercise and eating healthy and with my budget… so not good but Im getting back into it slowly…

I have been struggling with issues with my mother and with feeling unloved and horrible…and I hate feeling like this…I don’t know how to change the way I am …I understand that Im not unloveable …that I do have redeemable qualities…but I hate my physical body and wish I was dead so often I don’t even admit it to myself… I bury those feelings deep but they are bubbling to the surface and I hate it… I fill myself up with disgust and self-hatred… there are days where I don’t understand what others see in me and I wonder why people even want to be around me and even talk to me… I don’t know how to change this…I can do so many other things to help other people but I struggle to help myself or to give myself any quarter…I was in tears the other day because Ruben was telling me they love me and I cannot handle that..I cannot handle someone telling me they love me because I don’t believe I am lovable…That is the gift my family left me…My father taught me well and my siblings and mother reinforced that belief over the years through no fault of their own I’m sure…

So it is back on antidepressants and off to a new psychologist next week…

I haven’t seen Shane for weeks and I doubt it will ever turn into anything serious and I am supposed to see Serena for the second time tomorrow…sighs…slowly crawls the tortoise…




Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am 47 years old, divorced a long time ago.. with abusive ex's in my past... I have three children in their early twenties who may or may not have Aspergers. I am self diagnosed and in the future when I can I would like to be officially diagnosed. I just don't have any money to spare atm. I am on Disability for having Multiple Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed officially in 2012. I knew about my personalities from when I was 31. Finding out I am probably on the spectrum has in some ways given me a life jacket and simultaneously felt like someone is pushing me under..... This is just my thoughts put into words.

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