I am always trying to understand myself better, and my thought processes. My emotions and reactions to things that happen in my life. The big why?
What fascinates me most about our mind is how our emotions can take on a life of their own. Our emotions hijack our thoughts, and before you know it you have said something or done something that you later regret. Or have no idea why the fuck you did or said that.
I have been reading about the amygdala, and flight or fight. As a child who was sexually abused at 3, my brain was still growing (Your brain actually does not stop growing until 21 for women, and about 27 for men). So the pathway was set for my brain that whenever someone did something that triggered that certain thought process my brain would go into flight or fight, as it did with the red flags from Rashid.
Because it wasn’t me who arked up and was suspicious of him but Pandora. And all I felt while she was suspicious of him was terrified. He was a danger. It was a very weird feeling because looking back on the situation I know logically he wasn’t, and he still is not dangerous. The only danger I could be in from him in the future is emotional pain. But when I start thinking back to that situation, that feeling, it starts up in my mind again. I get that feeling of danger. And it changes your thinking. My brain is telling me right now as I type this. DANGER. Something bad is going to happen, run away.
The thing is I have never run away. I stand and fight, and I have always known this about myself. Because I see no escape, nowhere to run. I am like a cornered animal and I will turn and fight with everything that I am. Life or Death.
Fight or flight, and I know the only thing that will make that feeling go away is familiarity. Is with him trusting me with that information that is waving those red flags at me. What I do not understand is his reluctance. But then I have never truly understood others thought processes who think differently to me.
What I do not understand is why now? Why am I getting this feeling now? I have never had this with any other guy I have been with or even met. So it is not with all men. As a child, and a teenager I had a general fear of men touching me sexually but it was not this strong.
I am terrified that my mind is telling me the truth. That he is lying.
And again it brings me back to those red flags because there are things he won’t tell me yet about himself, and my mind continually fights against the two opposing views of wanting to believe what he tells me, and thinking he is lying. And this all brings up so many issues, and emotions. Because after this feeling of fight or flight goes away all I want to do is cry.
I am so not in a good place today.