Today I am trying to reconcile who I was in the past, and who I want to be in the future.

It is not easy admitting you made mistakes, it is not easy to admit you were not a person you would have been proud to be. I am not proud of who I was. I was needy, I was reactive, I was ill. I never tried to escape or better who I was. And it is painful to own that. To say I was a shitty person, I can say I was unaware, I can say I was what my father and my environment made me. But at the end of the day, I had a choice, and I am sorry I did not choose sooner, Im sorry I did not find my way earlier in life. Im sorry for my children most of all because I was not the best I could be for them. Im sorry that I was part of the environment that gave them issues, that I did not protect them as I should of. As I could of.

I know people say forgive you. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. And maybe I did I don’t know. I know I tried. But did I try hard enough? No, I don’t think I did. I was scared, I was scared to stand up for them, for myself. I was a coward. Fear does horrible things to you. I was a coward because I did not ignore the fear. I listened to it, and I let it rule my life.

 

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