Fear

Today I am trying to reconcile who I was in the past, and who I want to be in the future.

It is not easy admitting you made mistakes, it is not easy to admit you were not a person you would have been proud to be. I am not proud of who I was. I was needy, I was reactive, I was ill. I never tried to escape or better who I was. And it is painful to own that. To say I was a shitty person, I can say I was unaware, I can say I was what my father and my environment made me. But at the end of the day, I had a choice, and I am sorry I did not choose sooner, Im sorry I did not find my way earlier in life. Im sorry for my children most of all because I was not the best I could be for them. Im sorry that I was part of the environment that gave them issues, that I did not protect them as I should of. As I could of.

I know people say forgive you. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. And maybe I did I don’t know. I know I tried. But did I try hard enough? No, I don’t think I did. I was scared, I was scared to stand up for them, for myself. I was a coward. Fear does horrible things to you. I was a coward because I did not ignore the fear. I listened to it, and I let it rule my life.

 

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Author: thesecretaspieblog

I am more than my diagnoses, I am more than my past. I defy anyone to put me in a box and label who and what I am. I am exceptional. I am unique and so are you. Strive for the stars and you shall paint the world around you with ecstasy, laughter and empathy. Show compassion for those less fortunate. Do not forget the lost ones. Stand up for human rights and social justice. I have been labelled Autistic by therapists, I have been labelled with Multiple Personality Disorder by psychiatrists. On Fetlife I am labelled an Owner, a Cuckoldress and a Mistress. Labels do not define who you are but give others an idea of what you are and that is all. Be more than just a label.

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