It has been a little while since I last wrote although time for me still has no meaning so what could be a couple of days can feel like months.
I have been pondering lately why people say ‘You need to be on your own or date yourself for a while’, which is something Ruben seems to keep commenting on.
It isn’t that I know I cannot be on my own. I have in the past, and I was for quite a few years.
I think as humans we are as you know very social creatures and like wolves, we tend to congregate and live in packs. We live in towns, cities, and most of us are quite happy to do so. We need to feel connected to others in whatever way, shape or form.
For me most of my life I have felt apart from other people, different, and also unwanted. I have felt alone for years, even when I was with people who I thought cared for me. It has only been on the rare occasion that I meet people that I connect with and who I actually feel want me around and would accept me for who I am.
And when I do I give it my all, for those people, for that relationship, that dynamic, whatever it is. I put the effort in to show that I care, that they matter and are accepted. But in the end, as much as I put the effort in, they just seem to fade away. I am always the one to send the texts, calls, try and organise to spend time with them. Im not pushy but I let them know where I stand. And it never seems to be enough. It is never enough, and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me. Is there something I am doing wrong? It makes my heart hurt and yet I still won’t give up.
I don’t need people in my life, I know I am self-sufficient, I have spent a lot of time over the years on my own. But it is a choice that I make to try and find those connections, and have people I can care about. Even though I feel so alone I yearn and long for love and friendship.