When it comes to my dream it has never been about the big house, the flash cars, or the ambitious job but it has been everything about being loved and having people I love in my life. I have never been an ambitious person, as long as I could pay my bills and not worry I was fine and I still am. But lately I have been thinking about judgement, about how we judge others, about how others might see me when I invite them to my little place in the future, that will be filled with hand me down furniture and pieces that will in no way match. I am ok with what I have but I do worry about others judging me, it is a nameless anxiousness I get. I felt I was always judged to not be good enough growing up and my relationship with my ex-wife she definitely made me aware every day we were together that what I had was not enough for her. She always wanted something better, better furniture, a bigger house. It was never ending and to placate her we got into more and more debt. I know she realised before I did that if we were going to stay together after my children moved out for us to survive financially that she would have to get work and that was not something she was ever prepared to even think about.
Because we all want approval, we all want to be liked for who we are. But then if someone judges you for not meeting their standards of who you should be then what does that say about them?
But it is not our belongings or how much money we have that defines who we are. It is our interactions and connections that we build with others. Our willingness to be vulnerable and to love without reservation without expecting anything in return.
I do not place any demands on Rashid and yet he is willing to give me everything he is. I do not demand time that he cannot give me, I do not expect daily calls or sms, why make demands that he cannot meet. Yes, it totally drives me crazy when he is overseas and I do not hear from him for up to three weeks at a time. I crave him like a drug I miss him so much.
His work is all consuming a lot of the time so I just leave it up to him to contact me when he is free, or when he has time we will get together and see each other. It has been four weeks since we have seen each other and will be another week before we meet again and yet when we do it is like no time has passed at all. We place no expectations on each other and I know that is what he needs right now. That I do not make demands on him he cannot meet is building a strong foundation for our relationship. Neither of us is together with the expectation that there is an end goal of what we have. We both want a lifetime of togetherness, of being there for each other in whatever capacity fulfils both of us. We complete each other in so many ways, our kinks our interests outside of BDSM. Our ethics and morals, we have a lot of common ground but yet our backgrounds are so different, the way we were brought up, where we lived, our life experience but yet none of that matters in a way even though it has made us who we are today.