I have always struggled with who I want to be. My insiders had no such trouble, they lived, even though they didn’t live a life of their choosing, they never hesitated in knowing who they were, or living fully in the moments they had, the only thing that ever held them back was me.
I am scared to live, to experience, to say yes, I have hidden for so long I struggle like a butterfly in a cocoon.
I will say yes, yes to meeting others, yes to new experiences, yes. I will fight my fears like there is no tomorrow. I refuse to die a quiet death.
As scared as I am to live, I am terrified of staying where I am, of not evolving, being who I want to be.
I am scared that I am not enough just as I am, that R will tire of me, not just R but everyone, I fear being abandoned but also being forgotten, that little girl who grew up feeling invisible hasn’t gone away. My biggest fear is that I am not enough for others to make an effort to keep me in their lives.
I want to be someones first thought, I want them to put me first or to hang onto me like grim death and show me I am wanted, that they need me more than life itself. For once in my life, I want to feel like I matter.