Not having the financial buffer of housemates after so long is confronting especially when $10 makes a difference to your budget. Paying rent this morning took half my fortnightly monies. With the car getting looked at today I’m hoping it will be less than $200 but you never know, I am crossing my fingers. I have been looking at upcoming bills I can cut and until I find a casual job the roadside assist and car insurance will be flying out the window. Not too worried about the roadside assist as my car is fairly new and I keep it regularly serviced but the car insurance while I just have the basic cover is going to have to wait, I am covered until June, I will be ok if I can find work by then.
I have cut down the use of my car considerably, if I don’t leave the city it just sits in the carport. With such good public transport service and most places I need to get to within walking distance I’m fine.
I am seeing my youngest tomorrow and it’s a 20 minute bus ride from my door to just round the corner of hers.
Really I only will use the car a couple of times in the fortnight and when R is here he pays for petrol.
My biggest bill in May for the year is my car registration, even with concession it comes to $560. I can pay 6 monthly which is what I will probably have to do.
Ruben is always at me to sell my car and realistically I should but it has always represented freedom to me.
If I needed to get out or I felt trapped it was my go to and I’d just go for a drive, I don’t have to think, I just set a destination and I go. Ruben is a homebody, they like staying at home 24/7 if they could, Ruben gets anxious out and about, they feel the only place they can relax is at home.
When I am home for too long I get bored, I feel trapped. When I was growing up we lived on acreage out in the country, as a teenager I hated it, I always had to rely on my parents to take me anywhere, again that feeling of being trapped.
Looking at why freedom in any form is integral to me is reasonable, as a child I was trapped in a situation that was untenable with the incest, I felt I could not escape, then living in the country with no public transport, having to rely on others, getting married too young, looking after three young children but I have to point out I never felt trapped by my children, I never regretted having them but I was never in a position when I got pregnant with my first where I had a choice of being a parent as parenthood was not something I had planned.
Over the years I have felt trapped for one reason or another, living with Ruben, just living with other people makes me feel trapped, it’s only when I’m on my own I feel free.
I’ve never lived with a partner where our relationship was not toxic. The idea that I could live with someone in a positive relationship is like a fictional story for me. It’s never happened. I see how happy my children are in their relationships and I’m so happy for them but it hurts because that is what I crave to have and never had.