In the terms of what R and I have I have been distancing myself from him emotionally, its been a self-preservation move and it hurts my heart to do so but when a few weeks back he said he hadn’t had time to check for my emails, that hurt… It takes 5 seconds to check emails I know. If I am such a big thing for him why then does it take too much effort to check emails? So I haven’t written him a single one. Not one, where before I would write up to three a week. And it bugs me he refuses to write even one. And it hurt when he promised to call back the next night after we spoke on the phone last and of course he didn’t call. So, with him coming to Brisbane this weekend I am not getting my hopes up, he didn’t even say what day he would be flying in last time we spoke just that he wished for us to spend the Sunday together and he was staying for a week. I assume M to F he will be working.
I try not to think about him letting me down again because that hurts my heart, I try to see the positive in what we have, so I refuse to let myself feel very excited about him visiting as I don’t want to feel hurt again if he lets me down, self-preservation, survival instinct call it what you will.
I know though I will be very hurt if I hear nothing from him. What I don’t understand is the mechanics behind his thinking. Is it because he is feeling submissive at the time he makes promises he cannot keep and at that moment wishes with all his heart he was with me? When he is feeling content and would say anything?
The thing is I never demand he call, I never make demands on his time, I never do because I know how chaotic his work life is. What I do not understand is why he makes promises he just does not keep. I am the type of person that if I promise you something I goddamn follow through if I am going to call you I would have to be in a car accident and unconscious for me not to do so. I am so reliable you can set your watch on me calling or turning up to a place.
So when other people promise or say they are going to do something I expect the same from them and I just don’t understand why they don’t. I do not get it I really don’t, maybe I think differently because I am aspie or maybe I just put more importance on that type of thing. I know a lot of people don’t. It disappoints me that R is so unreliable, it hurts me when he continually lets me down, it makes me doubt that he wants this as much as I do. Because in the end if that is the case I will be the one with a crushed heart, not him.