Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

I see you


Pandora is amused, she said she should have bet me about R coming back as he did and it only took a couple of days, which is amusing I have to say. He has become addicted to me humiliating and degrading him, and there is nothing I like more than someone being that addicted to me.

I have come to accept that while he doesn’t want my love and is actually falling in love with my dominance that this is truly who we are, what we are to each other. There is a recognition inside both of us that this is it and I told him this today that neither of us will ever find someone who completes us in the lifestyle quite as much as we have found with each other and he agreed. Each time he has walked away it has hurt less and less and I have cared less. When it comes to compatibility in a d/s dynamic I am not blowing my horn but I know between the three of us we are just about perfect for him. And he does it for us on so many levels it is not funny.


This quote is what R does for me, he didn’t come into my life wanting to just be a slave and treated as such, he does so much more for me than anyone could possibly realise, he gave me different ways of looking at situations, he pushed me to be better, he pulled me out of my comfort zone and he believed in me when I doubted.


I know 100% that if I was standing outside my place with a bull kissing me and said to R to get down and worship my feet in public while I was, that he would. It is the combination of humiliation, objectifying him that reinforces his place in relation to me and he is so addicted to me humiliating him and degrading him that he would do anything I wanted.

But with such an addiction comes responsibility, by destroying someones mental aspect of who they are you have to be prepared for a lifetime dynamic. I have no doubt R is who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it is just as addictive how intense our dynamic is to me. As I destroy his self-image and emasculate him, physically and mentally so am I binding myself to him. When he walks away, each time I have felt such a sense of loss, a huge hole inside me, I miss him on such a deep level now.

The only way I was able to walk away from him before was because I could dissociate my emotions and put them in a box in the back of my mind, I focused everything that I was to be with Boi.

I do not know what he thinks of me being three, I know he will or has already read our email. He is so frustrating sometimes, as he refuses to focus on things that he sees can waste your resources, be that mentally, emotionally or timewise.

But I can see how that can have a positive impact on your life. That is where I want to be, and although I have grown exponentially I am not quite there yet, but there would be so much freedom in that. I have felt that kind of centeredness before and it felt very peaceful and serene. I am happy with my progress though and to have R in my life again makes me happy, I honestly do not know where we will both be in 6 months time, I know he does not want to stay in Australia, he is a citizen of the world, and loves to travel, I think if I had him beside me I could go with him who knows what is in store but once where I was afraid of the unknown, now, I feel a sense of excitement, Carnal does enjoy adventures and exploring.


R will never be able to make love to me physically but he makes love to my soul, to my dominance and always has.


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