Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

Exhaustion

I am physically tired and mentally exhausted, and I slept 11 hours last night, no study yesterday as I saw my youngest in the morning and then in the afternoon I lost time on the internet and managed to spend $75 I couldn’t afford, followed by spending the rest of the day trying to fix a glitch on my laptop as it had been driving me crazy for months with no luck, what a waste of time, I was so pissed off. Then I had to talk on the phone with Boi which I really didn’t want to do. He is already looking for another Mistress/Domme on Fetlife and I guess it surprised me, he obviously wasn’t into me as much as I was into him. Although jealousy, anger could be driving him, maybe that little boy syndrome of I will show her… I really don’t know, it felt so awkward talking to him on the phone, I can tell when someone is feeling awkward and then that makes me awkward. I had sent him a text message this morning explaining what happened about the bulls etc and about Carnal and Pandora as I felt I at least owed him an explanation. And he doesn’t get it, he cannot wrap his mind around it and that made me feel sad and disappointed. Also, I did him a disservice, in his eyes I should never have used a bull even though I spoke about it with him first and he said he was ok. Now I have to box up my love for Boi and tie it with a little ribbon and hide it at the back with the others, it hurts to have to do so. It hurts, and I do not want to see him anymore, be friends because I have ruined something beautiful and hurt a lovely Boi who cannot understand who and what I am.

I do not get people, why say you are ok with something if you are not. Sighs… He just sees that since I want other lovers, play casually with female submissives, etc that he is no longer special and one of many. Pffst, he cannot understand or see what he brings to the table, I have told him over and over that he is special to me and that no one else is like him, have the connection that we have but he cannot see that at all.

Men, fuck them all.

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