Groucho Marx said ” I refuse to be any member of a club that would have me” and this is R to a T. There is something so inspiring about someone who lives such an authentic life. He does not live it for others but truly lives as he wishes and desires. And I find such beauty in that because that is what I have always wanted. But I have let fear and others judge me at times, my insiders haven’t though, they always tried to live as they wished and I think that defiance of society is what R finds so attractive about us. He sees us as authentic and there is a truthfulness in living such an honest life.
The more I get to know him the more he is rounding out into a person for me, the more I understand and know about him the more I see a man who I could spend my life with. Not Pandora, not Carnal but me. He accepts me for who I am, he accepts my insiders as part of who I am. He butts heads with Pandora but that is because he does not see his submission as the image of the BDSM slave that Pandora has only known but we are learning.
There are so many layers to us, he feels humiliated by bulls but he also craves to have that closeness to me that they have, he craves to fuck me but cannot, it is denial in any form from me that makes him worship me, binds him to me. And his jealousy is not raw jealousy such as a young man would have it is more not so much envy but a wanting to have something that I give to others and not to him. There is something so right about what is between us. I am so glad I let him back into my life, I should have been patient and just played with others who didn’t want a relationship because then Boi would not be hurting. But you cannot foresee what consequences your actions bring and like anyone I make mistakes.
Last night R and I met for a midnight coffee, being the last week before the financial year ends his hours have been long at work and so we did not end up meeting at the pub with 28 as was planned, who by the way had started making excuses about meeting up and pissed off Pandora so she told him to fuck off.
Every time I see R walking towards me something inside me leaps and the world is righted again. How can one person affect you so much? How can one person make such a difference in my life? How can I love him so much? He knows I do, the rat, he said so last night. He said, “I adore you and I know you adore me”… smiles. I cannot lie, I cannot lie to this man who sees me so clearly, who gives to me what he can, he may not spend as much time with me as he or I would like due to his work but emotionally, mentally he just feeds me so much. He asks me things now that he never used to, like “Do you miss me? I miss you”, and every now and again he will ask about my children. I think we have both realised that this is it, this is the person who through thick and thin you want to be part of your life.
I think when R and I first met online to him I was just someone to feed his fantasies but then something changed but still, he over thought things, he doubted as did I. His trust issues and fear of being used controlled him a lot as my doubts did me.
But when I walked away, I think that was when things hit home for him, that’s when he realised what he had lost. Because he realised I was not after what he had but who he was, that I wanted. That is why he came back to the city, why he is here now.
No one sees him like I do and no one understands why I am with him and maybe they never will, people will always look at us and wonder why he is with me, a nobody, but he does not see a nobody, he sees me and he loves me for who I am and also what we have together, we both love humiliation and degradation, we both see what we have as so natural but not just natural but fitting in our world order, and I find him beautiful, in mind, heart and soul. As he does me.