Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

The One


I sat in my car waiting patiently, the cold night air was refreshing and the moon glowed like a warm light in the darkness of the sky. I breathed in deeply, smelling the dew already on the grass. It was midnight and my heart thrummed with excitement. I saw him walking towards me in the distance, his head down and wearing his usual winter warm clothes of a hoodie and tracksuit, makes me smile because he looks so normal.

I sat sitting sideways with my door open, we had agreed to meet at a park near his place, it seems to be our usual go-to place when it is late. He knelt at my feet and kissed my feet fervently, his adoration so clear to see. It wasn’t until his knees got too sore from the tar road that he arose stiffly. No words were needed, this was just how he greeted me now. I said ‘Get in” and he walked around to the other side door, we looked at each other for a moment, then I questioned where we were going, we settled on a MacDonalds that would be quiet at this time of night and as we drove we talked about his work and my study, next week he will be off to China for four days.

He has such an acerbic kind of wit, he kept making me smile on our way, once we arrived he got me a coffee and we sat outside, we were alone although we could see people inside. I asked him how his coffee was and he replied: “It is very weak, I did ask for a double shot”. I picked up his coffee and looked in it for a second inspecting it. “I will make it stronger for you”, I said and then I spat in it and handed it back. And he then drank it with a murmured thank you, delicious. Which made my heart warm, and I smiled a little and he said: “What are you smirking at?” and I admitted how natural it felt to spit in his coffee and he agreed. What amazes me is that he is as new to this as me but has spent a lot of years working out his fetishes, etc.

There is something about discrete public humiliation that we both like, in a way I see it as elegant and commanding, something that has meaning to us and I think R sees it as somehow fitting for me to reinforce the structure of our dynamic, just between the two of us. It doesn’t have to be putting on a show for others but it has meaning for just us.

And I like that, I like that it has meaning for the two of us, that it is private which might be hard to understand as we are in public. But when we are together it is like we are encapsulated in our own world, neither of us cares who is around or if someone walked by. And we both know that at some stage in the future we will do so in broad daylight regularly. Where we will be sitting in a park and he will be my footstool or get down and worship my feet not caring at all if someone walked past. And that he worships me in public just feels so right to both of us. And neither of us knows why we feel that way.

We seem to have moved beyond submission, and it is more than submission, what he feels is worship, this man truly worships me as his High Priestess, he said he knows I don’t really understand the meaning of that but I am starting to realise, even he doesn’t really understand it either sometimes.

He just gets filled with such an emotional waterfall of adoration that he has to get down and worships my feet and it is not something he can help, it is just this overwhelming force that takes control of him. He gets all emotional and even cries as he does so. And when I cause him pain it brings the adoration to the surface, it gives it a physical sensation, that is why he craves my pain, for me to hurt him.

And he knows that it delights me, it is his adoration that feeds me more than anything I have ever felt before. This is the understanding we have between us, this is true worship, this is why he calls himself a slave even though I think he doesn’t fit in that box. This is why he has been hurt in the past, why he keeps himself secluded and a recluse, he has spent years getting hurt because of the way he is that he shut everyone out for the past 8 years or more. He got tired and sick of being hurt, of being used for his money and people trying to use him because of what he is. He has spent years learning about himself and building himself up and his life where he does not need anyone but is self-reliant, emotionally, mentally and financially.

Then he met me and we turned each other’s worlds upside down.



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