Autism, BDSM, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Life in General, Love

In this moment, this is me

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It hurts that no one can see what I see in him, but it’s not just that, it’s that they do not believe in me. It’s like they just think I’m an idiot and that I do not learn from my past mistakes.

It hurts that they think someone who lives the lifestyle he does would not be interested in me or think I was of worth.

The thing is I do have value, I have worth, in his eyes he sees everything that he ever wanted in me.

The other night when we were talking about bulls it is not just the humiliation or that they are fucking me by proxy, it is that he truly wants me to be pleasured, he knows I am highly sexual and if he cannot fulfil that need in me then he wants someone else to. He is a highly sexual person but having a small cock has changed his outlook on sex plus his age and experience. We both want, need and enjoy a higher level of a sexual relationship than if we were younger where it is just raw fucking. I would love to fuck him because I would love that experience with him but just plain sex does not interest me with him. It’s everything else we do that drives both of us and brings us closer. It’s denial, reinforcing that I will give others that which he can never have. It’s letting him worship my feet but nothing else, it’s letting him lick my ass or pussy through my pantyhose and only using him for clean up after a bull.

We still kiss, touch, hold hands, he loves feeling my body and telling me how he wants to fuck me. And I love that he does, the combination of public humiliation, denial and foreplay heighten my sexual arousal. Then I use a bull who then leaves and I have R back, humiliating him by having him clean up and we get to cuddle after and chat, be a couple. And the thing is all the while there is an unspoken understanding between us of our dynamic, slave, owner.

And I have never felt so serene, so happy internally then I have in my life. There is such a feeling in me of feeling centred. And when I told R he said it is because I am being exactly who I am, and he is right, I am a cuckoldress and owner, humiliator, sexual and emotional sadist.

Being exactly who I am, accepting what I am and letting go of beliefs about myself have let me fly. I will always have bulls and subs come and go but R will always be a constant. He showed me he was committed by not giving up on me even when I walked away.

And I have damaged him, over the past year that we have known each other I am slowly destroying him. He admitted the other night that before meeting me he could get fully hard but now he does not, it’s just a constant drip of precum and arousal. I am in his thoughts constantly, he is mesmerized by the photos I send him and of course that knowledge feeds the sadist in me. The other afternoon when I was sending him pics on kik because I was bored, he was in a meeting, and I knew every time he looked because the message comes up as read. I knew he would be sitting there in a business meeting craving to see more and then feeling his phone vibrate and surreptitiously checking his phone, his cock dripping. And it delighted me and heightened my sexual mental state.

What feeds his mental space is my humiliation and degradation but also knowing that he supports me mentally and emotionally, that he is there for me to talk to, be my life coach, having that companionship with me of a couple also feeds him. Knowing he is supporting me in life feeds him mentally. There is mutual respect between us of friendship, and also for who we both are, I respect his business acumen, his intelligence, his knowledge and life skills, his drive for his career even though I hate that it takes him away from me at times, I understand that he needs his space and even though I do not like it I do respect that he needs downtime to be on his own just like I do. Even though at times I do not understand it I do understand that due to previous issues he needs to keep some things private at the present time to make himself feel safe. As he said trust is a dripping tap and I want a future with him, I want him to trust me fully not just with his submission but his family, his friends. I want him to know he can trust me with that as well. The thing is we do not have the right to put our beliefs onto other people and force them, I want him to willingly share with me not share because it is the expected thing to do. That is placing societal values on him and that is not fair. One of the things I love about him is that he is different, that he does not follow the crowd and so I respect him for that.

Pandora says look at the big picture and she is right if I want a future and the years ahead with him I have to not want everything now. I have to enjoy the journey and each time he opens up to me more, I see it as a gift. A gift of trust and friendship, love and companionship.

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