More Sane

The last week seems to have seen me/us feeling more normal…I have no idea how it feels for other people inside their heads when they are feeling other…I don’t even know if I myself can explain it in words a normal sane person could understand…

The voices in the back of my mind….

The feelings that belong to someone else that feel like mine but they are not…Feeling other…Gyle has been here most of the time…I guess he makes me feel more normal than the others as they were never meant to live on the outside….only I was and Gyle…

Sometimes I think I was never the original person…that she is gone…I honestly do not know…I’m not even sure Gyle or the others know, remember or even care….as far as they are concerned we just are….we exist and that seems to be enough for them…I want more…I want to know…I want to learn and be able to validate who I am…

What I want is the secrets of the universe….lol…but how silly of me, no one will ever truly know I guess….

I feel very non-emotional today which is why I know it is mainly me…I don’t seem to feel deep emotions…the others do…the last few days someone has been feeling so much loneliness they have been crying…. they want someone in their lives who can complete them..to laugh with…to share life with…someone to love us just the way we are….

I must admit I would love this…maybe because I would love this so much I dissociate the emotions onto one of the others….maybe Carnal or Fifi…I don’t know…Gyle finds it very frustrating to be sure…

We are going to see Shane tonight…after much stalling and anxiety on his part..lol

Will be interesting to see how we go…

So Long

It feels like we have not been here forever…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin…

Serena has ended up in hospital on a drip with a blood clot in her brain and thyroid problems…

We have dropped Degustacion like a hot potato because what the fuck he was married and we hated the lying….

We had dinner with Jim and Ollie but decided we did not want to play with Jim so no go….

Andrew the prick decided to go and play with some other woman and obviously thought we were hard work…lol

Sunday night it is staying at Shannon and Shanes place…they are poly and have been together 19 years…she is a sub and he has always been vanilla…but would like to try BDSM….so we have been chatting for about a month now…we met and had lunch and omg they are both the best people….genuine and caring…so not promising anything but Shane is a sweetheart and we will only play with sweet submissives and slaves…none others we seem to find any interest in….

On the job front, we are in the process of signing up and doing volunteering with a local charity working in a day respite centre for the disabled close by….paperwork being done next week.

What? The fuck?!

What the fuck is wrong with you Serena?….. I know it’s not your fault that you ended up working longer than you thought you would…..to 5pm instead of 10am….I know it’s not your fault that instead of coming here to dinner you picked up your housemate from hospital and looked after her….but what the fuck is wrong with not messaging me…? What the fuck is wrong with being adult enough to give me yes/no answers instead of I’ll let you know…?bYou knew I had invited you for dinner….what the fuck is wrong with letting me know you were not coming? Did I not make myself clear enough…? Or do you just not care that I ran around all morning..cleaning..shopping and cooking most of the afternoon for you? To then wait and realise you were not going to show…and then when I ask you …you answer with a comment about having Friday off instead…so I ask to spend time with you then and you totally ignore my sms….or decide not to tell me your thoughts…..what the fucking fuck?

Am I a fucking idiot or something? What the fuck am I missing here folks? Am I too invested in someone who might be hedging their bets like Rubén said? Am I ignoring the red flags because I like her too much….? I am totally pissed off…frustrated and upset…she hardly ever writes or messages and never calls ever… It has been fucking six months and we met once like a month ago….this is ridiculous…I know she works ridiculously long hours..? I know she is unwell and I know she has taken it upon herself to look after her housemate who has cancer but what the fuck…?!!! How long do I have to fucking wait? She says she is looking for another job or retraining so she can get a less demanding job…..great I say…fantastic but here and now I’m fucking fed up with fucking waiting…..I want to just turn around and tell her to fuck it I’ve had enough of waiting…she has not shown me she is interested…do I expect too much…fuck…a couple of sms a day and I’d be a happy Chappy….I just cannot deal with this right now….I cannot stand long distance…I’m an impatient person and I don’t take my time like Serena….I feel like saying stop stringing me along and just fucking tell me already….!!

Ridiculous

Ok…. now this is getting ridiculous… we have to stop and say no..no …no… too many people want to play and we just dont want to play with them… Fiona has trouble saying no fuck off… but I do not.. so I will be taking charge of our fucks from now on…lol

Yeah its Gyle…

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least… Fiona was talking to Ollie in her room with the door shut but the house is so quiet Ruben heard her talking and came in after the call and said “so they are back?” and yes… we admitted we were… rolls my eyes…

Ruben was very accepting and of course she would be ..lol.. she is my child after all…

Ruben was happy to see me again… as it had been ages since we had talked… Ruben loves knowing I here as she is the most like me…. as we both like being organised and are goal orientated…

Fiona was worried Ruben would see her as mentally ill and sick but Ruben does not and does understand that its all about coping skills and living a stable and healthy lifestyle…

We did speak for quite some time and Ruben and I have the same sense of humour… Ruben is very funny… she continually cracks us all up…

On another note Serena wrote back and calmed Fiona’s fears which was good… now we have decided Fiona will just be us and we here and we will just do what we want and not worry about what other people think of her… which she does constantly… not a good way to live… Ruben suggested that we go back to our old psychologist in Morayfield as she might have the expertese to diagnose Fiona with autism as it is complicated with having MPD…

We have asked Serena to come over on Thursday as she has the day off work and hopefully she will stay for dinner… nothing special as Fiona does not want to make a big deal out of her meeting Ruben and Ricky but just wants to spend time with Serena getting to know her more… i think that would be interesting… Fiona so wants Ruben to approve of Serena and I think she would…

None of us liked Grant as he was up himself and a bore and Ruben saw that straight away…lol He did nothing but talk about himself. Ha what a fuckstick…

Might be having a coffee with a wannabe sub… this afternoon…

Andrew who was the sub who moved from Cairns… ehhh…. is very frustrating…

He has to move to the goldcoast for work… and wont be moving to the sunshine coast until maybe August or October… which puts a little kink in our play… not much though if he is willing to travel and we are willing to travel down there once he has his own place and time… but right now he is very busy….

So our youngest is busy with work and study… maybe in a couple of weeks we will get to see Natasha after exams are finished and she is on her midyear break…

Our mother will be up in a couple of weeks… so that should be nice to spend time with her… even though I am not fond of her husband… but shrugs … what can you do?

Hmm… think that is it for now… nothing much on today… gym .. and maybe the coffee meet….

Gyle

Too Much

I woke up in tears this morning… everything just seems too much… and I just want to die… I hate feeling like this… and I don’t know why it has hit me so hard… yesterday went fine with Mike the masochist… I felt anxious but struggled through our meet Ok I thought…

But then all my fears and doubts about Serena .. surfaced… and I’m not in a good way … I cannot stop crying and it hurts…

I feel that she is not as interested in me as I am in her and that sux… even though it has been two months now and we met two weeks ago… she shows no interested in deepening our relationship… I don’t know… i question myself and her motives…. maybe too much… but the thing is… if she was more interested I would think she would SMS … she would find the time to email me back over the weekend… even though I know she was working… just to say I got your email and will write when I can… she has my friggin mobile for fucks sake…

It galls me that I will always try more than the other person… to make them feel wanted and chased..and I don’t get that in return… it galls Gyle …

I care enough to show someone that they are good enough … they are worthy of love and being accepted as they are… I SMS regularly… I write emails… I skype and call and because they cannot meet me … does not mean I will not show them I am interested.

Serena … nope… she does not call… she never SMS’s… she does not answer my emails even to say she will answer when she has time to…

I know she works long hours and is unwell but it takes nothing to SMS… it takes 5 minutes to reply to an email… and after two months I get the feeling… she just is not that into me…. we only live 45 minutes away from each other…

I want to be someone’s priority … not be put last…. I want someone to at least let me know they want to be with me even though they have to work… and Serena does not…

And I hate second guessing myself… …. I feel like our getting to know one another has stalled and I don’t know how to make it go again….

I respect that she works long hours and has a demanding job… I respect that she is unwell at the moment and her housemate has cancer and Serena has to look after her… I understand all that… and would be happy to wait if she showed more interest in me but she doesn’t… and that is what I need… to know that she is as interested in me as I am in her…. and I have a gut feeling that I am not her type physically or mentally…. even though she has told me things she would never tell anyone else…

That is easy to do over the internet… an anonymous person at the other end… sure .. shrugs… I do it here..lol

I don’t know shit about anyone who reads my words and … it’s that someone is listening… that counts…

Yes Im an insecure bitch I  know… and I could be imagining all this but when someone you like posts on Facebook and doesn’t answer your emails… yeah… that is never a good sign and my gut feelings… are never wrong…

Im an honest and weird little duckie…

But somedays I fucking wish I was a normal little duckie… sighs…

Loved Many

I have loved many people in my life… from when i was little to now… and it always amazes me the capacity the human soul has to get up again after it has fallen over and been trodden on…

As a child it was my friends and family… the few children who would play with me and my brother…

As a teenager it was a couple of girls who accepted me for who i was…

As a young woman it was the young men who slept with me…..

As a mother it was my children …..

As a foolish woman it was a troubled young woman who had control issues and maybe should have been put down at birth because fuck she was nasty….

Sorry Pandora .. piss off… please…

As a grown woman… a few foolish men who were weak and one who was too gentle for one such as me….

Now…. in the middle of my life… and grown into my skin I want to fly with someone and hold them close in my arms at night… I want to let them see me as I really am and revel in my dominance and sexuality….

Pandora is so not who I thought she was…. yes she used to hate men and I only ever felt her anger when she didnt like something… but she is letting me see more of her than she ever has… and I am liking who she is…. not sure why she is coming to the fore now… maybe because I am stepping out into the world of kink for the first time … or maybe just because she wants to …

I have no idea really… all I know is I want to revel in the world of BDSM and dominate men, be sadistic and enjoy my life to the fullest….

Ownership

Why does it resound so loud within my soul… the thought of owning a man completely….because that is what I crave… I desire it so much… to have my collar around his neck and have it locked on forever… the thought just makes me so happy….

I think it is the willingness that someone would literally go that far to be with me… To give over their body, mind and soul…

To love and trust me that much… would be my heaven….