Chaotic

Have you ever lived in a houseful of people?

Have you ever had time to yourself in said house?

It is few and far between….The last week I have really felt it….Everyone wants, needs or is demanding something and we just don’t have the money or are in the life situation at the moment to have it…and the others hate it…

“Why can’t I go out drinking and smoking and partying when I want!” Carnal demands….

“Why can’t I have ALL the things I want?” says the Littles …

“Why can’t I smoke and go out whenever I want?!” exclaims Ponyboy…

“Why can’t we have steak, chips and eat whatever we fucking want????” says Bull, Lucius and just about everybody…..

“Why can’t I buy ALL the craft I please???” …questions Mirriam….

“WHY WHY WHY????!!!!….

FUCK ME DEAD!!!!!

Because it is my fucking Life!!!!…because we don’t have it …because-because because!!this is what got us in trouble all my life with money…with people…with situations…!!!

You’re all driving me fucking crazy with your demands and wants….

Deal with it people….sighs…

 

More Sane

The last week seems to have seen me/us feeling more normal…I have no idea how it feels for other people inside their heads when they are feeling other…I don’t even know if I myself can explain it in words a normal sane person could understand…

The voices in the back of my mind….

The feelings that belong to someone else that feel like mine but they are not…Feeling other…Gyle has been here most of the time…I guess he makes me feel more normal than the others as they were never meant to live on the outside….only I was and Gyle…

Sometimes I think I was never the original person…that she is gone…I honestly do not know…I’m not even sure Gyle or the others know, remember or even care….as far as they are concerned we just are….we exist and that seems to be enough for them…I want more…I want to know…I want to learn and be able to validate who I am…

What I want is the secrets of the universe….lol…but how silly of me, no one will ever truly know I guess….

I feel very non-emotional today which is why I know it is mainly me…I don’t seem to feel deep emotions…the others do…the last few days someone has been feeling so much loneliness they have been crying…. they want someone in their lives who can complete them..to laugh with…to share life with…someone to love us just the way we are….

I must admit I would love this…maybe because I would love this so much I dissociate the emotions onto one of the others….maybe Carnal or Fifi…I don’t know…Gyle finds it very frustrating to be sure…

We are going to see Shane tonight…after much stalling and anxiety on his part..lol

Will be interesting to see how we go…

What will be will be…

Time gets away from me and literally runs and hides sometimes….

Yesterday… having a multiple moment… just reminds me how difficult it is coping in society with bills, work, etc… It wasn’t a serious mistake that was made but in my eyes any mistake is serious and I hate making mistakes… I hate forgetting anything… literally does something to my brain when I do… not sure if that is an Asperger’s thing or mpd or what…

Everything has to be organized and done to perfection… I do not understand grey areas… to me everything is black and white…I don’t understand why people are wishy washy..lol

Everything is very simple … it either is or it isn’t… there is no in between…

It is like the sky or the earth… there is no in between…

I have never been a fence sitter… in the past, I would try and see both sides of an argument and try to understand the grey but never did…

And I have now given up on that as it is not productive at all…

Since realizing I was aspie… it’s like I found a manual…. I am finding out things about me and my insiders every day…

Like that information about Pandora… or that Gyle liked mentoring transgender people…

Or that I prefer pre-op or transgender girls for relationships as I feel safe with a female person but love male bodies…

Or that the way I think is a symptom of Asperger’s… still blows me away that I am autistic… now and again I do doubt it but then something will happen and I will be like oh yeah… I am…lol

I feel everything so deeply… everything touches my heart… even a simple message from a friend can make me cry… sighs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….

2 am

It is 2 am and once again I am awake…. I have accepted Jim and Ollie’s offer of play and will be playing with them soon… my kink is going up a notch… with them and a new sub I will be playing with…. sighs… fun fun fun…

but on another note I wonder at the effort I am putting into being a mistress and whether in the long run, it will be worth it… Serena and I playing on a regular basis seems a mile away right now… as she is so unwell.. and has such long hours at work… she is looking for another job so I hope she gets one where she can have more down time..

Is it selfish of me to want more time with her… I want her I admit it… bad… I have got it bad… I have never fallen so hard or so fast… even though I am cautious my heart is not… and I fear she will tear it out and stomp on it…

I am terrified that I will not be a good enough Mistress for her… I am not creative and I do not have a good imagination when it comes to scenes…. shrugs…

I like Toplayotoplay .. Andrew.. he is the switch who wants to sub to me..  we cammed yesterday and he is a lovely person plus quite sexy.. which is always a bonus..lol lol

Don’t think I would ever fall in love but lust and fun yes…

but who knows I do not anymore… and Degustacion is continually unknowingly teasing Lucius with the play videos and photos he keeps sending me which of course we love..lol

So  I egg him on even more…hahaha

Poor Lucius… it must suck so much to not have your own body… I always felt bad that my others could not…

 

Motel – Meg Myers

You’re weak, broken in a motel
You blink, tears are falling down, down, down
And you’re free, free inside your own hell
You speak, “Someone let me out”

And I can’t stop this pain it only grows
Tell me why I always feel alone
And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
Show me what I’m really living for

I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re doomed from the start
I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re falling apart

Your dreams, slowly turn against you
Your feet, sink into the ground
And you bleed, naked in a back room
You scream, “Someone let me out”

And I can’t stop this pain it only grows
Tell me why I always feel alone
And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
Show me what I’m really living for

I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re doomed from the start
I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re falling apart

“How come most of your songs are sad songs?”
“Well you know, I don’t, I have a few that aren’t sad
They’re hopeless, totally hopeless situations
And the rest aren’t sad, they’re just the way it goes, you know
You don’t think life’s sad?
But from recognizing sadness you can put it aside and be happy
And enjoy the happy side of life.”

I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re doomed from the start
I wanna love, wanna live, wanna breathe, wanna give, wanna
But it’s hard and it’s dark and we’re falling apart

Losing Time

The weekend took away my feeling of being safe in this world…. it took me years to get that feeling after spending 18 years living with my abuser ….and now its gone… and I hate Ash for that… in his incompetence and stupidity he doesn’t even realise or know what he has done… and he wouldn’t even if I explained it to him in terms even a child would understand…

I just want to throw up … the memories are close tonight and I don’t want to see… I don’t want to remember…. but I am so tired of fucking controlling that I just want to lose it and give up… just let what will be will be…

What terrifies me the most is the unknown… that is why losing time is such a big deal for me… the few times I have lost time as an adult…literally just about made me wet my pants… to know that I have no memory of what I did or said… even when I thought I was present is horrifying and makes my stomach tighten with fear….

I remember sitting on my couch one morning after a big night out… just enjoying the solitude and I looked at the clock… 10.15am… then I blinked and it said 10.45….. and I’m like wtf… at the time… I was puzzled as I was awake and alert… I had no idea at the time I had MPD… it wasn’t until it all came out that I thought of that memory and went Ahhh….

It used to puzzle me that I had no memories before I was six… I think if I had gone hunting for the reason why when I was younger before the others came out maybe my life would have been different but my insiders never let me think about it for long and I would continue along my merry way…. oblivious and naive… as they come…