Chaotic

Have you ever lived in a houseful of people?

Have you ever had time to yourself in said house?

It is few and far between….The last week I have really felt it….Everyone wants, needs or is demanding something and we just don’t have the money or are in the life situation at the moment to have it…and the others hate it…

“Why can’t I go out drinking and smoking and partying when I want!” Carnal demands….

“Why can’t I have ALL the things I want?” says the Littles …

“Why can’t I smoke and go out whenever I want?!” exclaims Ponyboy…

“Why can’t we have steak, chips and eat whatever we fucking want????” says Bull, Lucius and just about everybody…..

“Why can’t I buy ALL the craft I please???” …questions Mirriam….

“WHY WHY WHY????!!!!….

FUCK ME DEAD!!!!!

Because it is my fucking Life!!!!…because we don’t have it …because-because because!!this is what got us in trouble all my life with money…with people…with situations…!!!

You’re all driving me fucking crazy with your demands and wants….

Deal with it people….sighs…

 

More Sane

The last week seems to have seen me/us feeling more normal…I have no idea how it feels for other people inside their heads when they are feeling other…I don’t even know if I myself can explain it in words a normal sane person could understand…

The voices in the back of my mind….

The feelings that belong to someone else that feel like mine but they are not…Feeling other…Gyle has been here most of the time…I guess he makes me feel more normal than the others as they were never meant to live on the outside….only I was and Gyle…

Sometimes I think I was never the original person…that she is gone…I honestly do not know…I’m not even sure Gyle or the others know, remember or even care….as far as they are concerned we just are….we exist and that seems to be enough for them…I want more…I want to know…I want to learn and be able to validate who I am…

What I want is the secrets of the universe….lol…but how silly of me, no one will ever truly know I guess….

I feel very non-emotional today which is why I know it is mainly me…I don’t seem to feel deep emotions…the others do…the last few days someone has been feeling so much loneliness they have been crying…. they want someone in their lives who can complete them..to laugh with…to share life with…someone to love us just the way we are….

I must admit I would love this…maybe because I would love this so much I dissociate the emotions onto one of the others….maybe Carnal or Fifi…I don’t know…Gyle finds it very frustrating to be sure…

We are going to see Shane tonight…after much stalling and anxiety on his part..lol

Will be interesting to see how we go…

So Long

It feels like we have not been here forever…so much has happened I don’t even know where to begin…

Serena has ended up in hospital on a drip with a blood clot in her brain and thyroid problems…

We have dropped Degustacion like a hot potato because what the fuck he was married and we hated the lying….

We had dinner with Jim and Ollie but decided we did not want to play with Jim so no go….

Andrew the prick decided to go and play with some other woman and obviously thought we were hard work…lol

Sunday night it is staying at Shannon and Shanes place…they are poly and have been together 19 years…she is a sub and he has always been vanilla…but would like to try BDSM….so we have been chatting for about a month now…we met and had lunch and omg they are both the best people….genuine and caring…so not promising anything but Shane is a sweetheart and we will only play with sweet submissives and slaves…none others we seem to find any interest in….

On the job front, we are in the process of signing up and doing volunteering with a local charity working in a day respite centre for the disabled close by….paperwork being done next week.

Ridiculous

Ok…. now this is getting ridiculous… we have to stop and say no..no …no… too many people want to play and we just dont want to play with them… Fiona has trouble saying no fuck off… but I do not.. so I will be taking charge of our fucks from now on…lol

Yeah its Gyle…

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least… Fiona was talking to Ollie in her room with the door shut but the house is so quiet Ruben heard her talking and came in after the call and said “so they are back?” and yes… we admitted we were… rolls my eyes…

Ruben was very accepting and of course she would be ..lol.. she is my child after all…

Ruben was happy to see me again… as it had been ages since we had talked… Ruben loves knowing I here as she is the most like me…. as we both like being organised and are goal orientated…

Fiona was worried Ruben would see her as mentally ill and sick but Ruben does not and does understand that its all about coping skills and living a stable and healthy lifestyle…

We did speak for quite some time and Ruben and I have the same sense of humour… Ruben is very funny… she continually cracks us all up…

On another note Serena wrote back and calmed Fiona’s fears which was good… now we have decided Fiona will just be us and we here and we will just do what we want and not worry about what other people think of her… which she does constantly… not a good way to live… Ruben suggested that we go back to our old psychologist in Morayfield as she might have the expertese to diagnose Fiona with autism as it is complicated with having MPD…

We have asked Serena to come over on Thursday as she has the day off work and hopefully she will stay for dinner… nothing special as Fiona does not want to make a big deal out of her meeting Ruben and Ricky but just wants to spend time with Serena getting to know her more… i think that would be interesting… Fiona so wants Ruben to approve of Serena and I think she would…

None of us liked Grant as he was up himself and a bore and Ruben saw that straight away…lol He did nothing but talk about himself. Ha what a fuckstick…

Might be having a coffee with a wannabe sub… this afternoon…

Andrew who was the sub who moved from Cairns… ehhh…. is very frustrating…

He has to move to the goldcoast for work… and wont be moving to the sunshine coast until maybe August or October… which puts a little kink in our play… not much though if he is willing to travel and we are willing to travel down there once he has his own place and time… but right now he is very busy….

So our youngest is busy with work and study… maybe in a couple of weeks we will get to see Natasha after exams are finished and she is on her midyear break…

Our mother will be up in a couple of weeks… so that should be nice to spend time with her… even though I am not fond of her husband… but shrugs … what can you do?

Hmm… think that is it for now… nothing much on today… gym .. and maybe the coffee meet….

Gyle

Fuck

My friend down in Canberra has not been doing so good…

I cannot go and see her as I have no money… just wondering what I can do for her from here…

She has no money and no friends down there…. and lost her job today…. I know she was struggling with depression and this would have just tipped her over the edge… I am so glad she is putting herself in the hospital…fuck…

Life

In my writing …here…is the only place I feel I can be myself and be heard….and be not misunderstood.

Everyone is off doing stuff and have no time for me….I feel lonely and sad….restless…I cannot concentrate on anything….not even my colouring….as much as I liked it…my interest seems to be waning…and I hate when that happens….

I had a sleep thinking that would make me feel better and yet I feel worse….

i love socialising but I hate when I think someone has lost interest in talking to me….when I meet someone new online and we chat..I know they will eventually ask for a photo and because of my weight nine times out of ten they lose interest….what used to hide me is now a hindrance….and that sux….because of porn men expect dommes to be beautiful amazing creatures who will crack a whip and be total hotties and it is just not so…BDSM is practised  by normal people…. I could join the BBW groups and find someone easily but I refuse to be a fetish…and have someone like me because of my weight..

i sent Serena a message saying I wanted to meet…..she has not replied….I am tired of the waiting game…if she wants me then meet and make a decision…don’t wait three months and leave me hanging….I hate that…make a decision and let’s go to the next stage….ffs…..

You think I am impatient ….ehhh maybe I am….life is too short to be cautious….live it and live it now….for who knows what will happen tomorrow….

i miss Ivy terribly…she is never far from my thoughts….it hurts every day….it was much easier when I did not see any of my children because then I was not reminded daily by their presence of what a shit parent I was and let them down repeatedly……

i hate myself for being weak and letting my ex into their lives…I should have been stronger and just been a single parent….things would of been so different then..