Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….

Loved Many

I have loved many people in my life… from when i was little to now… and it always amazes me the capacity the human soul has to get up again after it has fallen over and been trodden on…

As a child it was my friends and family… the few children who would play with me and my brother…

As a teenager it was a couple of girls who accepted me for who i was…

As a young woman it was the young men who slept with me…..

As a mother it was my children …..

As a foolish woman it was a troubled young woman who had control issues and maybe should have been put down at birth because fuck she was nasty….

Sorry Pandora .. piss off… please…

As a grown woman… a few foolish men who were weak and one who was too gentle for one such as me….

Now…. in the middle of my life… and grown into my skin I want to fly with someone and hold them close in my arms at night… I want to let them see me as I really am and revel in my dominance and sexuality….

Pandora is so not who I thought she was…. yes she used to hate men and I only ever felt her anger when she didnt like something… but she is letting me see more of her than she ever has… and I am liking who she is…. not sure why she is coming to the fore now… maybe because I am stepping out into the world of kink for the first time … or maybe just because she wants to …

I have no idea really… all I know is I want to revel in the world of BDSM and dominate men, be sadistic and enjoy my life to the fullest….

Losing Time

The weekend took away my feeling of being safe in this world…. it took me years to get that feeling after spending 18 years living with my abuser ….and now its gone… and I hate Ash for that… in his incompetence and stupidity he doesn’t even realise or know what he has done… and he wouldn’t even if I explained it to him in terms even a child would understand…

I just want to throw up … the memories are close tonight and I don’t want to see… I don’t want to remember…. but I am so tired of fucking controlling that I just want to lose it and give up… just let what will be will be…

What terrifies me the most is the unknown… that is why losing time is such a big deal for me… the few times I have lost time as an adult…literally just about made me wet my pants… to know that I have no memory of what I did or said… even when I thought I was present is horrifying and makes my stomach tighten with fear….

I remember sitting on my couch one morning after a big night out… just enjoying the solitude and I looked at the clock… 10.15am… then I blinked and it said 10.45….. and I’m like wtf… at the time… I was puzzled as I was awake and alert… I had no idea at the time I had MPD… it wasn’t until it all came out that I thought of that memory and went Ahhh….

It used to puzzle me that I had no memories before I was six… I think if I had gone hunting for the reason why when I was younger before the others came out maybe my life would have been different but my insiders never let me think about it for long and I would continue along my merry way…. oblivious and naive… as they come…

Lucius has a Crush…

Why is it so hard to find a good man… someone who can hold me close with one arm and hold out his palm with the other…?

Someone honest, loyal, genuine and loving, plus dare a ask…kinky as all fuckery… sighs…

Lucius has come back to the fold… smiles… I was so happy to feel him again… I cried… it has been a long time… he so gave up after Donna left us… he tried to die and kill us in the surf at the beach… drunk as a skunk… Ruben found us and made us go home… Lucius has not been out since then… he is strong and funny and cares deeply for others… he always is trying to make us laugh and he is a dirty little fucker…lol… gay as… but silent with it… not effeminant but well built… blond hair and green eyes… sighs… so handsome… no I do not have a crush on Lucius..lol.. but i know who has caught his attention… ohhh..lol… it is Degustacion..hahaha…. you cheeky boi Lucius… you have a crush..lololol

I wondered why I felt drawn to his eyes… its you…lol… you like him… his slim body… his big dick and sexy eyes and smile… hmmm… wonder how we can work out that he ooohh nooo no way… there is no way I am letting Degustacion anywhere near my butt… nooo dont even give me that look Lucius… i am serious…lololol

GOD forbid his cock is huge… no way is that thing getting in my ass thank you very much … even though i know he would willingly fuck my ass ..as i think he is a switch now I come to think of it…hahahahaha

DONT even try to black mail me you little shit…hahahaha

 

Life Is A Bitch

What do you do?
When looking for someone special I test them… and I find each one wanting… its not someone I realised until now…
Not sure it is something I will ever tell… so if I do not hide this then well… maybe I am being stupid and letting you into my mind…
Carnal plays with everyone… she will roll your mind and body until you dont know whether your cumming or going..
Once you are hers…. and will do anything… then you are lost… and so am I…
because I dont want you to want Carnal… I dont want you to fall for her tricks… and every man does…. even when I dont want them to…they do…
That is not what I want… I want you to resist … I want you to show me that your stronger than that… I want you to show me that you will have me as I am… without my Carnal ..without sex…without being rolled by my Bitch… but everyone gets rolled and taken….and Carnal is satisfied… and I am left hurt and lost…that no one is going to love me for me… and not what I do to them…

What can I say….Life is a bitch baby…. If I do not test them what could happen? – Carnal

But that hurt… you took over and played with Serena… when I did not even want to play with her the first meet…

Serena was just too delectable for  me to not play with her – Carnal

Yes but I really liked Serena… she is special…. at least I think so…

Yes, she is special but then so are you… and I and Gyle…Fifi… just because I played with Serena does not mean she will not end up loving you… I am a part of you am I not? Is not Gyle just another part of you? YOU see us as people and separate even though logically you know we are not… YOU fear not being loved for who you aware?!… I am just a different you, I am YOU… I am who you desire to BE….. Little One please do not cry…He will love all of YOU… YOU are special… YOU are unique…. YOU wanted to play with him so much but you are shy and worry too much about not respecting boundaries because your father taught you boundaries were meant to be broken and he did not respect yours as a child… I played with him because YOU wanted him… YOU wanted to roll his mind and to take him as YOURS… WE love YOU with all our hearts… YOU…not anyone else… don’t think you are unloveable because WE know the real YOU… Please forgive me for what I do is always for YOU – Carnal

 

Gyle

What is it about relationships that tax me?

Why do i just shut off when i have had enough of being around people…why was being with Ash today too much for me….and Gyle was here all day

Why am i so uncomfortable in public…why does my brain tick over some days and others I am fine…

I saw Ash when he turned up and I just couldnt do it…I couldnt handle being with him all day…i just lost it and I think that is why Gyle came to the fore…Ash had no idea…why would he…i just act more confident and in charge…in control…male mannerisms but he wouldnt know that..

Gyle doesnt give a shit about being in public…other people or anything that scares or makes me anxious…. he is in charge and as far as he is concerned if something happens he will deal with it like he has always done all my life….Anybody gives him any crap he will just give them a piece of his mind and deal with them in short order…

I like Ash..he is a simple person with honour and integrity…not the prettiest…Gyle says he is downright ugly…but its not about looks…and he cannot help his genetics just as I cannot help mine…he has a heart of gold…and that is worth more than all the pretty faces of vacuous people….

That is Gyles job as my main protector as he is the one always out doing stuff that is supposed to get done…

It is weird..I know more about my insiders now than I ever did…as if knowing i am now aspy I can see more clearly where and how the others help me….

Both Carnal and Gyle are fearless…and very confident go getters…if they want something thy will do anything to achieve it…I think that is where my stubbornness comes from….

Its like knowing the sky is blue or that the sun is hot..undefinable facts…things that cannot be changed…

Not sure I can explain it in any other way the knowledge inside me..the feeling of who they are..its like it is set in stone….

 

Coming Out

Gyle is a bit of an show off… he thinks it is funny to surprise people and come out and talk to them… like he finds life amusing.. he is very cynical and finds it very surprising when we meet people who are genuine and like us… he never expects it…

Like last time we saw our psychologist she said she had never talked to someone with mpd..lol.. and his immediate thought afterwards was to come out and introduce himself to her…not sure if it will happen because there is always the fear of people seeing us for who we are. Anxiety…

Plus the thought of looking ridiculous..lol