What? The fuck?!

What the fuck is wrong with you Serena?….. I know it’s not your fault that you ended up working longer than you thought you would…..to 5pm instead of 10am….I know it’s not your fault that instead of coming here to dinner you picked up your housemate from hospital and looked after her….but what the fuck is wrong with not messaging me…? What the fuck is wrong with being adult enough to give me yes/no answers instead of I’ll let you know…?bYou knew I had invited you for dinner….what the fuck is wrong with letting me know you were not coming? Did I not make myself clear enough…? Or do you just not care that I ran around all morning..cleaning..shopping and cooking most of the afternoon for you? To then wait and realise you were not going to show…and then when I ask you …you answer with a comment about having Friday off instead…so I ask to spend time with you then and you totally ignore my sms….or decide not to tell me your thoughts…..what the fucking fuck?

Am I a fucking idiot or something? What the fuck am I missing here folks? Am I too invested in someone who might be hedging their bets like Rubén said? Am I ignoring the red flags because I like her too much….? I am totally pissed off…frustrated and upset…she hardly ever writes or messages and never calls ever… It has been fucking six months and we met once like a month ago….this is ridiculous…I know she works ridiculously long hours..? I know she is unwell and I know she has taken it upon herself to look after her housemate who has cancer but what the fuck…?!!! How long do I have to fucking wait? She says she is looking for another job or retraining so she can get a less demanding job…..great I say…fantastic but here and now I’m fucking fed up with fucking waiting…..I want to just turn around and tell her to fuck it I’ve had enough of waiting…she has not shown me she is interested…do I expect too much…fuck…a couple of sms a day and I’d be a happy Chappy….I just cannot deal with this right now….I cannot stand long distance…I’m an impatient person and I don’t take my time like Serena….I feel like saying stop stringing me along and just fucking tell me already….!!

Fuck

My friend down in Canberra has not been doing so good…

I cannot go and see her as I have no money… just wondering what I can do for her from here…

She has no money and no friends down there…. and lost her job today…. I know she was struggling with depression and this would have just tipped her over the edge… I am so glad she is putting herself in the hospital…fuck…

Ownership

Why does it resound so loud within my soul… the thought of owning a man completely….because that is what I crave… I desire it so much… to have my collar around his neck and have it locked on forever… the thought just makes me so happy….

I think it is the willingness that someone would literally go that far to be with me… To give over their body, mind and soul…

To love and trust me that much… would be my heaven….

Cancer scare

So another cancer scare… last year my breasts… this year my pap smear came back unusual…. ehh… not very worried… will worry about it when it happens…

Biopsy at the local hospital sometime in the near future… waiting on a appt time…

Cancer… you can fight it… not sure I could be bothered… cancer takes too much from your family and friends that surround you… I would not want to see the look in their eyes… as they look at me… knowing I could die…

 

I am Scared

I admit it… I am scared.. I am terrified of loving.. I am tired.. sooo tired of falling for the wrong people…. not bad people but circumstance has made them bad for me…

I hurt inside.. I grieve … and all I want is someone to hold me and say “Everything will be Ok’… is that so hard… so bad I want someone to just do that for me.. its such a simple thing I ask…

I just want someone to love me for who I am.. not my others… not what they or I can do for them.. but for me… just me.. no one else.. no masks.. nothing…. and i would give them everything…

I dont know if I can ever let go .. let go of the control .. let go of who I am.. I have built the wall so high… it is impossible to climb… who would ever want to make the effort anymore…

Im not young… I have nothing.. but myself… and who wants that… who needs me..

I can feel myself falling for Serena… in all my vulnerability and awkwardness.. I am falling for someone I haven’t even met yet…  Have I not learnt my lesson yet…

I thought she was on skype tonight… and my heart literally jumped out of my chest…then the disappointment came and it was too much…

I think maybe I should say goodbye to her and say I changed my mind… but its too late… I feel the chains on my heart pull tight and they hold me…

Peace

There are days where I want to pour all my thoughts and feelings onto paper and I hope that the yearnings and desires will disappear like water soaking into the ground….

There is so much feeling inside me somedays that I just want to scream into the universe and expel everything that I am into dust… force it out of myself so I can just relax for one second…

I want everything.. all my memories to just be expelled like a super nova and be gone..all the feelings and grief and experiences… just to be gone in a puff of smoke.. I want to feel empty… I want to feel peace… god i want peace… I want to feel what it is like to be at peace.. peaceful.. calm… serene… like a still pond on a hot day… I crave it…