Will I ever have someone

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I am so upset right now… with myself.. with him…

I was just chatting to someone on an adult site… and we seemed to click so much..

but then there was a miscommunication. I missed something he said.. and there was a misunderstanding and now he wont talk to me.. sigh….

The guy I was dating before only last a few months… again miscommunication… and he was not willing to see my point of view at all… it hurts.. me… am I never going to have someone…. I feel like saying someone please fix me so I can just be able to not fuck up a relationship with the opposite sex or even with anyone.

My eldest refuses to have anything to do with me… She says I was a neglectful mother…

and maybe she is right.. maybe I was a bad mother… but I tried so hard to be a good mother.. to my children… I tried so fucking hard.. I worked hard.. I had a  job which was very stressful and full on all day… the paperwork would overload me…

Id come home and clean the house… Id cook all their meals… until they were old enough to get their own breakfast…

I tried to be there for them… i did…

it was so fucking hard… having mpd… takes over your life… they wanted outside time.. they wanted to have friends.. to do stuff.. to be with different people… and I got lost for so many years of my life… I lost who I was .. what I wanted… what I wanted to do.. and who I wanted to be… what sort of person did I want to be?

It all got lost… and I was swept away by the river of life of day to day chores and work and trying to be there for a narcissist who was never happy with anything.. I failed my children…

and I hate myself for that…

why would they want to be with me when I wasn’t there for them …

My Secret Worlds

As I grew as a child so did my imagination and my secret worlds….where I could go and be whomever I wanted… fantasy and science fiction mixed up with lots of romance..lol

I remember sitting in the library at my school and I was reading “Where did I come from?” The thing was I knew what men and women did sexually .. I always seemed to know from a very young age… and I never thought about how I knew… my parents never had the talk with me even as a teenager because they just assumed that i found out from other teenagers or my older sisters… but I knew from my father.. I can’t call him that though… because in my mind i always saw him as “The dark man” and that’s who he was to me for a very long long time… my insiders and I couldn’t think of him as a father or Dad because he wasn’t… he betrayed that trust you are supposed to have in your father.. that knowledge that this man will always love you.. have your back… give you away at your wedding.. help you move house… all those sorts of things he took away from me when I was little by sexually abusing me… I guess I’m lucky in that I don’t have any visual memories of him abusing me… I have one and that was enough for me… the rest were body memories and PTSD symptoms, anxiety, depression, suicidality, etc…

I’m not going to go into details just to say I was always terrified of him touching me sexually and I never knew why until my insiders came out and I found out the truth.

Explanation

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I guess I should explain about Grant… he did end up being an asshole and we are not seeing each other anymore… which hurt but I realise I don’t need to be someone else’s doormat again or at all. He kept saying that I was ungrateful that he had helped me and that I was ungrateful that he had paid for petrol to come and see me. He lives 45 minutes away.. and he had paid for a couple of coffees and two meals..? Seriously? I was as polite as I could be but he must have been angry because I wasn’t grateful enough.. Bahahaha… I can’t help but laugh… I can’t help the way I am… I did tell him I was difficult and I wasn’t going to change but he obviously thought he could change me…

I ve never had good relationships with males or with my ex wife… I always seem to choose people who are not good for me… who take advantage of me or who are just assholes… I did like John the most… I moved down to Canberra to be close to him but in the end we wanted different things… He was polyamorous and in an open relationship and I was ok with that.. I met his partner and she was a lovely lady… and she knew about me… and everything and I stayed at their house a lot but my other personalities thought I needed someone 24/7 and so did I.. oh  sorry… yeah.. I have mpd and I was diagnosed in 2012 which is why I think it’s going to be hard to get a diagnosis for aspergers.

So John was ok with me being polyamorous ..lol… so he said…

Can you see the writing on the wall?…I started seeing a young man who was submissive and he was ok.. but not what I thought I wanted at the time.. then I met this gentleman Grant and I thought he was it…but nooo low and behold once again… im left alone…

But this time I’m actually feeling ok about it.. its not the end of the world if it didnt work out… its not the end of the world if he doesn’t like me.. I am who I am.. and no more no less..

My other personalities were always on a mission to find someone for me… they believe in love ever after and soulmates and all that sort of stuff… and were constantly trying to understand relationships and about people… And I’m wondering if that is because I never understood about people.. about how to act in social situations… Im fantastic at masking my social anxiety and it was even easier when my other personalities were around because they were normal in that they were not scared and didn’t have anxiety like I did.. so I could have relationships as bad as they were and I had a job. They would go to work and I could feel normal because they helped with that… but now in mid January they have decided I don’t need them anymore they thought Grant would help me and so they went inside and shut the door and now they are gone and I don’t know what to do… what to feel or anything… I am lost.. I feel so scared… I’m all alone in my head after 47 years and I’m scared… I’m scared of the unknown… of what’s going to happen to me…

I have always felt young in my head.. and I knew that was not how I was supposed to feel… I was supposed to feel like a grown up and want and do grown up things… and I never have… I like cartoons and reading and colouring and animals.. music and movies……Im fascinated by nature… I find these lines of caterpillars on my early morning walks and I could watch them for hours.. this morning I found a line of 37 of them.. just all in a line.. these little furry caterpillars…. head to tail crossing the footpath… I wish I had my camera as I would have taken a picture… it looked so cool…

But I just assumed it was because of Fifi… she is 3. She is one of my main personalities… But she is also gone.. and I feel different… I feel clearer in some ways in my head and in other ways I am so confused… I have trouble with directions… I have to use a gps to drive anywhere and even then I get confused by the instructions on the gps… I get distracted easily and don’t ask me to study because I can’t concentrate long enough.. to learn anything…

I never cared what other people thought of me… I knew I had mpd for 12 years or so before I even went to get diagnosed… the others didn’t care about other people and in some ways that was detrimental to me as my relationships with my family and my three grown children was damaged by that…

I see asperger traits in all three of my children…. especially my youngest… she did go to a psychiatrist about 2 years ago who said she thought my youngest had Aspergers but she didn’t like the psychiatrist and did not continue the sessions. I know she has learnt her own coping skills to deal with life but it makes me so sad I could not support her emotionally at the time.

My eldest has cut me out of her life because of my mental illness and that hurt so much but I know she needs to look after herself first and foremost and knowing she is safe and happy with where she is right now I have to deal with that… as a mother I want to be there and help my children so much and it hurts that I can’t.. it hurts that I wasn’t as good a mother as I could have been and I’m not making excuses but I know because of my mental illness I wasn’t. Because of my personalities wanting to live their own lives in the past they made stupid decisions which I have to take responsibility for. And yeah that sux… because I know they are parts of me and at the end of the day someone has to take responsibility and I am left holding the bag.

 

 

Hurt Feelings

I am feeling so hurt right now and I have to write about it before I forget. Grant said to me this morning that I would lose credibility with my family and friends… about talking about Aspergers… I don’t understand why no one is being supportive… Im not going to talk about this with any of my family or friends.. anymore… it is just too upsetting… Sarah yesterday said straight out she didnt think I had it.. why doesnt anyone see how important this is to me… I feel misunderstood, I feel hurt, so fucking hurt…

 

Remember?

So really my memories begin when I was six… my parents owned a shop in Sorrento in the main street. It was in the first floor of an old building that was huge and there was also an op shop, a fish and chip shop and a small supermarket. At the back of the shop there was an old staircase leading to the upper levels and we were not supposed to go up there but say that to a child and any chance they will get they will. We used to tell each other it was haunted and Mum and Dad would warn us that it was very old upstairs and we could fall through the floor. None of us did.

When I was really little one side of the shop was fruit and vegetables and the other side was like a milkbar. I remember there being cases of old soft drink bottles and interesting things out the back. I loved exploring it all. I remember the back room had a dirt floor and Dad would give me little jobs like putting potatoes into bags and weighing them or I would help him collect fruit and vegetables for the orders to be home delivered. I was 6 when I started helping.

Sometime after I don’t remember how long Mum and Dad got rid of the Milk-bar side and it was just Fruit and Veges.

The fish and chip shop next door were owned by a family of Italians. I remember I was so shy and would play with their youngest Simon. Sometimes his dad would give us battered flake to eat. I loved battered flake, it is still my favorite today. There was an alleyway between the op shop and our shop and it opened up into a large private courtyard and that is where I used to play with Simon. I don’t remember playing with him very much but I think he liked playing cars and I didn’t talk much.

I prefered to be silent.

The old ladies in the op shop loved it when I would go in and visit. I never spoke to them but I would browse through the books and old things fascinated me. I would buy some decrepit old book for 10c and take it home. I think that is where my love for op shops came from and second hand goods, markets, stalls. Anything like that I love.

So during the week it was school where I was desperately lonely and Saturdays at the shop and Sundays was staying home. Where I would either read all day or go out bush walking and I would spend hours either riding my bike with my brother or on my own.

I guess as a child I looked extremely shy and timid to other people. I never spoke if I didn’t have to. I prefered silence to talking. Even with my own family I struggled to express my thoughts and feelings. I had no idea really. Growing up my favorite words were “I don’t know”.

I had thoughts to express but getting the words out of my mouth was the problem. I hated parties and family gatherings and I would hide in my room and read a book instead. Books were my friends and I could escape my world and be anyone I wanted. I was a daydreamer from day one. I can’t remember a time in my childhood where I didn’t disappear into some other world or imaginary fantasy. I was obsessed with animals, every single pet we had was my best friend and I was always devastated when they passed on.

I was obsessed with collecting things. I still am. I love collection. I used to collect stamps and I was obsessed with books. I read every fiction book I could get my hands on. I went through stages of reading different types of fiction. Western until I got tired of it. War stories, fantasy, science fiction and romance. I think I spent a whole year just reading Mills @ Boon. I bought books every weekend in the op shops and I ended up with 6 large boxes of them. I remember Dad complaining because he had to end up taking them to the tip when I didn’t want them anymore. And Mum kept saying it was because of me we had silverfish. True.

horse

Going back to animals I was obsessed with horses. Our neighbours down the road had horses and ponies and we used to go visit them and ride their horses. I just adored them and I used to pretend for hours in my mind that I was a horse. I had a horse for a couple of years from when I was 15 and he was my best friend. Didn’t matter that he was old and had arthritis and was a nag. I loved him to bits.

I had difficulties with school. I only have a vague memory of preschool and just remembering that at the end of preschool I had no memory of learning the alphabet. Mum said that I had to repeat year 2 as I didn’t know how to read. I do remember the teacher telling me that I had to stay down a year and I was devastated as I thought that made me bad. I had a learning disability I know that now but back in those days they probably just thought I was slow. I have no idea and I don’t have any report cards to look over. I still have problems now. I could never learn the times table and I had problems with getting work done, and mathematics were a mystery to me.

As I got into grade 5 and 6 I had a love of writing. I loved writing cursively and would look enviously at calligraphy books promising myself one day that I would learn it. I still haven’t but I would love to. I have always had trouble remembering things as a child and all through my life.

There were so many different things that did not add up in my head that I used to think I was crazy. I seriously thought I was when I was 12.

 

 

Remembering

My very first memory I have is sitting in a cot. It is white and it has those funny looking soft animals on the inside. I always thought they looked weird and outdated. I am looking from inside my eyes and there are big bright green apple cupboard doors on the wall.

This is like a photo memory. A second of time. I only have a few memories from before we lived in the country. Mum and Dad got their house built when I was about 6.

I don’t remember going to kindergarten at all, not a single memory. I have three memories of living in Mum and Dad’s first house. I don’t know how old I was.

I was sitting in front of the big black and white tv watching Humphrey B Bear and Mum was standing behind me in her dressing gown doing the ironing. That is like a third person snapshot.

The other memory is of my brother pushing me into the bathwater because we were arguing about something and I had this horrible scratchy nightie on that I hated.

Oh I do also remember I had a balloon and my brother convinced me to let it go and he would get it back for me. We shared a room and slept in bunk beds. His was up the top and mine was down the bottom. Of course he would not get the balloon back down for me and I was so upset. He would do things like that all the time but that is for another day to write about.

The second house we lived in was a rental, Mum and Dad were in the process of building a house for us.

This house seemed to be filled with light for me. I don’t know why but I always thought of it as the sunny house. It seems to glow with happiness when I remember it. I only have one memory of living in this house. I went outside to get the milk for Mum. I was so excited and I remember the bottles were very big and hard to hold in my arms and as I got back to the door and I tried to open it the bottles slipped from my arms and smashed on the verandah. Oh I was so devastated, I cried my eyes out I was so disappointed and ashamed that I had broken the bottles. To me it felt like the world was ending and  I remember Mum coming out and picking me up and carrying me back inside.

I have another memory and I don’t remember which house it was in but it was in an old fashioned kitchen and it was sunny outside. I was sitting on the floor with my legs straight out like a little kid sits and there was an open drawer above me and I had a large sharp knife in my left hand and there were little cuts on my knees. It is like a photo image and I can see myself from behind. I have always thought this a very strange memory as I had no idea what I was doing for many years but I will come back to that at another time as well.

The second rental house that we lived in when I was little was a fibro house. It had no garden and no fences it just sat on a small block of land with large pine trees behind it all in a row. Huge trees they were. I guess that is why I used to think of it as “The Dark House”. For many years I did not know why but I only remember this house from a snapshot memory of it like a photo.

My memories really begin in the main house. My parents bought 7 acres off my paternal grandfather out the back of Rosebud on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, Australia.  The suburb was called Rye. It was mainly just empty acres of land with farms and bushland. It had a very long driveway from the road and my parents built the house on a hill overlooking the property. They did a lot of the inside work, flooring, kitchen, Dad built a bar and Mum did all the curtains, painting, wallpaper and carpet in the bedrooms. A friend of theirs was a bricklayer and he did a lot of the work.

We lived in this house from when I was 6 to when I was 17. I remember Mum and Dad’s bedroom was down one end of the house and our bedrooms were down the other. Im sure that also was deliberate. Having 4 children all from the age of 12 to 6 can get noisy I guess.

We were good kids from what I can remember. We had the normal fights and arguments I guess. My two older sisters were closer in age than my brother and I. They had shared a room until this house and my brother and I shared a room as well. The dynamics changed once we moved into this house as my brother got his own room and I shared with my sisters in one big room. I hated it. It was a big oblong room and I had the middle part and my sisters had each end. I hated how open it was. It had large built in wardrobes and I remember one time hiding in my section as I was scared. I had no idea what of.