What will be will be…

Time gets away from me and literally runs and hides sometimes….

Yesterday… having a multiple moment… just reminds me how difficult it is coping in society with bills, work, etc… It wasn’t a serious mistake that was made but in my eyes any mistake is serious and I hate making mistakes… I hate forgetting anything… literally does something to my brain when I do… not sure if that is an Asperger’s thing or mpd or what…

Everything has to be organized and done to perfection… I do not understand grey areas… to me everything is black and white…I don’t understand why people are wishy washy..lol

Everything is very simple … it either is or it isn’t… there is no in between…

It is like the sky or the earth… there is no in between…

I have never been a fence sitter… in the past, I would try and see both sides of an argument and try to understand the grey but never did…

And I have now given up on that as it is not productive at all…

Since realizing I was aspie… it’s like I found a manual…. I am finding out things about me and my insiders every day…

Like that information about Pandora… or that Gyle liked mentoring transgender people…

Or that I prefer pre-op or transgender girls for relationships as I feel safe with a female person but love male bodies…

Or that the way I think is a symptom of Asperger’s… still blows me away that I am autistic… now and again I do doubt it but then something will happen and I will be like oh yeah… I am…lol

I feel everything so deeply… everything touches my heart… even a simple message from a friend can make me cry… sighs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….

Fuck You

Fuck you Dad…. I fucking hate you… you were never a father to me and im glad I did not love you… for that would of really fucked me up totally if you had been a loving father and then fucking me as well…

You know what really makes me angry is that your still fucking hurting me… even though you have been dead for 7 years… and you still can affect me so much… even from the grave… so fucking thanks for that you prick… your legacy is still well and alive ….

Thanks to Ash… alive and kicking again… fuckstick… he is so fucking stupid he doesnt even know what he has done to me…

I could never understand why i would look up at you and find you watching me with such hatred in your eyes…

People think that because you have aspergers you cannot read who people are … by looking in their eyes… you taught me from an early age that to survive I had to read your intentions … your looks… the way you would look at me… I dont understand why others did not see how fake your smiles and eyes were… when I could see so clearly the hatred and disgust… I have no idea why you hated me so much… Gyle thinks its because you hated yourself for what you did to me… but I dont think so… i think you just needed a scapegoat for your hatred of your life… stuck with a wife and 4 kids… living on the poverty line… working for a father who would not give you your due because he was a skintflint… and kept all his money for himself and his alcoholic girlfriend… used you he did… because he could.. made you work as a child from dawn to dusk… because he worked hard so he made you… feelings were not to be talked about… your mother was not an affectionate woman…

So many things could have set you on your path of incest… what makes it worse is that it was only me… I dont hate my sisters for escaping… I would hate anyone to go through what I did and still do thanks to you…. I just think after you and Mumsy had my brother that you were not expecting another mouth to feed and took it out on me… it put a strain on your finances that three children would not have… I was not planned or expected… I am not sure why you both did not decide to abort me… after all… you did not need another child… plus I was not a boy so not important in your eyes…

I think that Mum being the gentle soul that she was and being brought up Catholic wanted to keep me…

She is my rock… the one person in the world who I know loves me without a doubt and truly wants me to just be happy….

Even when I was young and I had no way to express to her my feelings or thoughts…. and my voice was mute … just knowing she was in my life comforted me… the one constance that has never left me…. when she dies… the light in my world will go out…. and I dont know how I will cope… knowing she is gone… that I wont see her… talk to her or feel her love anymore… Just the thought lately makes me grieve and she is not even dead yet…

So not in a good headspace today…. not good… I would burn but I know others would see and so I dont… I cannot handle the ramifications of Ruben seeing the burns on my arm…

Within Words I Find My Voice

dark-fantasy

There are days where I do not speak.. I am not a vocal person… there are days with my friends I wont shut up… but ask me something deep and meaningful… catch me off guard.. and I am silent .. for my mind is different… it is autistic… it process information differently… my thoughts never make it out my mouth… the prison of my voice.. it is only in my writing .. that I can express myself so clearly that it is ME… my writing is my voice.. and I shout loud and clear… loving every word I type … Words are my best friend.. my savior ..my lover… my soulmate.. for without the written word I would be lost forever within my mind… a polite mask on the outside to the world and inside holding onto the bars screaming … the pain of not being able to express myself as who I really am killing me inside…
So when someone is silent dont ever think they have nothing to say… a person who is autistic hides who they are from the world.. afraid they will not be accepted for who they really are….
The way people perceive me are the bars of my prison… please .. dont lock me away…. set me free… dont think that because I stare off into the distance deep in thought..in another world.. that I cannot hear your words… that Im not paying attention to you… these are the times when I need you the most… when I need someone to bring me back to the present… its just the world is so vibrant to  my senses that it distracts me to everything else…. some days I need help to come back and to speak with you again……

 

Beautiful

I read an article the other day ‘A sensory world’ by Renata Jurkevythz at the spectrum magazine online…

OMG.. I never thought that the way I looked at the world around me was a symptom of autism… i just thought it was from MPD.. but its not.. I get lost in nature sometimes.. in the beauty around me.. I feel like I am part of everything around me.. getting lost looking at the beauty of dust dancing in the sun-lite… the symmetry of leaves.. the sound of the trees through the branches .. it all distracts me.. I could easily get lost staring and just experiencing everything around me..

This morning I could of cried… the sunrise looked so beautiful… how could this be bad.. how could looking and experiencing the world around us in such a way be a disability….I have always been different… I have always followed my own path… i gave up on fitting in a long time ago…

I love the smells around me… the sounds… the sights… i love touching and feeling things.. especially soft things… I just thought i was normal..lol..

Smells can make me feel sick.. throw up…. especially in the mornings…. always have…

But some smells are like a drug… I could smell them all day especially perfumes and colognes..,,mmmmmm

Autism and BDSM

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I find within the BDSM lifestyle a freedom and confidence I did not have in vanilla.

There is a stigma to being female in society that women should always bend to males opinions and views of how we should act and behave.. a confident outspoken woman is seen as a threat and to be taken down a notch or two in this male orientated world.

There are many societies in ancient times where it was matriarchal and women were revered as the knowledge bearers.

In BDSM being a Mistress I can be myself.. I can be outspoken, confident, speak my mind, be honestly blunt as much as I like and it is just accepted because of the way a Mistress is portrayed in media and porn…and in the lifestyle….

So having Aspergers is actually funnily enough an asset…lol

I don’t have to conform to anyone else’s ideology of what a woman is… I don’t have to act in a vanilla way at all…. and its fucking fantastic…

Just a thought.

Fight Club

So my feelings from the meltdown are now gone…

and I am reconciling myself to the fact that my insiders are back…. they have been fairly quiet .. so I am hoping that …. that will be the way it will be now on… and I can live my life the way I want to…

I still feel not right about knowing they are back… like I am broken… in some way.. or I am maybe sad… I always had trouble identifying my feelings…

Each day…. things will happen and it just confirms more and more I am an aspie…

Even this morning… Ruben was pulling my leg about how she didnt think you could do banking at the post office and I in my aspie way believed she actually thought that… lol and then Ricky Rubens partner chimed in and they both were pulling my leg but I seriously thought they were genuine… we had a good laugh afterwards but it just cements in my head that I am different…

So I am going to fight… to live my life the way I want… to be honest.. the only one who can stop me is myself… no one else…I know at times i struggle, and there will be dark times ahead… but its like at the moment my ray of hope is gone… when I realised the others were still here they killed whatever hope i had of being normal..

I know that is silly to say because I am probably aspie… but its true….I thought i would live without them in my life..

maybe I will.. no one has been out since the other day.. I have heard voices a couple of times… but nothing like it used to be… not the crowd or the commentary gallery..

Oh yes I had a gallery of commentary on my life continually in the background.. analysing and discussing everything I did or say.. or voices offering advice.. or support…

So I will fight .. but at the moment it feels like I have no fight left to give.