What will be will be…

Time gets away from me and literally runs and hides sometimes….

Yesterday… having a multiple moment… just reminds me how difficult it is coping in society with bills, work, etc… It wasn’t a serious mistake that was made but in my eyes any mistake is serious and I hate making mistakes… I hate forgetting anything… literally does something to my brain when I do… not sure if that is an Asperger’s thing or mpd or what…

Everything has to be organized and done to perfection… I do not understand grey areas… to me everything is black and white…I don’t understand why people are wishy washy..lol

Everything is very simple … it either is or it isn’t… there is no in between…

It is like the sky or the earth… there is no in between…

I have never been a fence sitter… in the past, I would try and see both sides of an argument and try to understand the grey but never did…

And I have now given up on that as it is not productive at all…

Since realizing I was aspie… it’s like I found a manual…. I am finding out things about me and my insiders every day…

Like that information about Pandora… or that Gyle liked mentoring transgender people…

Or that I prefer pre-op or transgender girls for relationships as I feel safe with a female person but love male bodies…

Or that the way I think is a symptom of Asperger’s… still blows me away that I am autistic… now and again I do doubt it but then something will happen and I will be like oh yeah… I am…lol

I feel everything so deeply… everything touches my heart… even a simple message from a friend can make me cry… sighs…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brain spasm….

I know you might think that my life is hell… but really its not… I have good and I have bad days just like everyone else… when Im bad I vent… in my writing… its the only way I cope…. and when I have good days…smiles.. I celebrate by writing about it…lol

Maybe I have bipolar I dont know… because when Im good Im really good and when Im bad Im really bad… there is really no inbetween for me… I should really look into bipolar more but what difference would that make in my life..? More medication… I already medicate with my insiders…lol… they are my medication for dealing with this world…

As for my mpd… there are days when I wish I had never got it and I was like everyone else and days when I embrace it as the gift it was… my special life jacket…

I love life… I love living in this world … I marvel at mother nature and what she has built and is continually building and growing… this morning watching the sunrise and the natural world around me I was mesmerized by how beautiful it is…. I saw a jet high in the sky leaving a train and the aesthetics of it just rock my mind…

I know I do not see the world as a normal person does… my brain experiences things so differently… I dont think I would want to be normal… I dont think I would not want to be mesmerized by dust motes floating in the air on a sunny day … I dont think I would want to not be fascinated by a line of caterpillars playing follow the leader… or not have brain orgasms listening to certain songs…lol

Life is full of mystery and joy and I appreciate so much that I am still here and that on certain days my Aspieness fires up and I feel one with the world around me… with nature… with the trees… the plants and the flowers… the breeze through the trees… the smells and the feeling of the air as I walk through it… everything just makes me feel like I am alive for the first time… and yet I can feel this time and time again and it still feels like the first day… who would willingly give that up… it outweighs my social anxiety… my struggle with putting words in my mouth to explain to others my feelings and thoughts…my meltdowns when I wish to literally disappear and stop feeling anything… when I want to die…..

Why on earth would I give that up and my insiders to be normal …. to fit into a society that does not appreciate my differences… the way I communicate with the world around me…. Being autistic is not the end of the world… its not a disability… it is only a different way of experiencing … a different way of being… and that is not a bad thing …. you think outside of the box… your perspective is different…your learning style is different…

Being different to me is ecstasy….

Ridiculous

Ok…. now this is getting ridiculous… we have to stop and say no..no …no… too many people want to play and we just dont want to play with them… Fiona has trouble saying no fuck off… but I do not.. so I will be taking charge of our fucks from now on…lol

Yeah its Gyle…

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least… Fiona was talking to Ollie in her room with the door shut but the house is so quiet Ruben heard her talking and came in after the call and said “so they are back?” and yes… we admitted we were… rolls my eyes…

Ruben was very accepting and of course she would be ..lol.. she is my child after all…

Ruben was happy to see me again… as it had been ages since we had talked… Ruben loves knowing I here as she is the most like me…. as we both like being organised and are goal orientated…

Fiona was worried Ruben would see her as mentally ill and sick but Ruben does not and does understand that its all about coping skills and living a stable and healthy lifestyle…

We did speak for quite some time and Ruben and I have the same sense of humour… Ruben is very funny… she continually cracks us all up…

On another note Serena wrote back and calmed Fiona’s fears which was good… now we have decided Fiona will just be us and we here and we will just do what we want and not worry about what other people think of her… which she does constantly… not a good way to live… Ruben suggested that we go back to our old psychologist in Morayfield as she might have the expertese to diagnose Fiona with autism as it is complicated with having MPD…

We have asked Serena to come over on Thursday as she has the day off work and hopefully she will stay for dinner… nothing special as Fiona does not want to make a big deal out of her meeting Ruben and Ricky but just wants to spend time with Serena getting to know her more… i think that would be interesting… Fiona so wants Ruben to approve of Serena and I think she would…

None of us liked Grant as he was up himself and a bore and Ruben saw that straight away…lol He did nothing but talk about himself. Ha what a fuckstick…

Might be having a coffee with a wannabe sub… this afternoon…

Andrew who was the sub who moved from Cairns… ehhh…. is very frustrating…

He has to move to the goldcoast for work… and wont be moving to the sunshine coast until maybe August or October… which puts a little kink in our play… not much though if he is willing to travel and we are willing to travel down there once he has his own place and time… but right now he is very busy….

So our youngest is busy with work and study… maybe in a couple of weeks we will get to see Natasha after exams are finished and she is on her midyear break…

Our mother will be up in a couple of weeks… so that should be nice to spend time with her… even though I am not fond of her husband… but shrugs … what can you do?

Hmm… think that is it for now… nothing much on today… gym .. and maybe the coffee meet….

Gyle

Hate

I know with a site like fetlife that you get the bad along with the good. I guess I have been lucky until now that I have not had trolls come across me and bother me…. today was different.. one little comment on one of my writings and it twisted a knife inside me…

Such a little thing… and I am sure he meant for it to hurt or to denigrate me for sure…. someone like that always does…

I had written a little anecdote about a fish and said how interesting I thought it was…. and he wrote a comment saying…. “What is the name of the fish you imbecile?”

Well… I have never been called an imbecile before just for not knowing a small fact… ehh… sort of put me off kilter… I was never deliberately bullied before in a public forum… yes I was excluded as a child from playing with other children but no one was ever deliberately mean… I guess I was lucky in a way… as I was invisible… very lucky when I think of it….

Not sure how I am taking it…. I have the worst headache now…. as soon as I read the comment.. I of course ignored it and blocked him…. because someone like that feeds on your reaction… of course blocking him probably gave him the reaction he wanted but what can you do..? I was not going to get into an argument with someone like that…

My head still feels funny and will for most of the morning…. it is very unsettling for me being attacked… by someone I do not know… definitely… puts me off…

I wonder what people get out of it? Does it make him feel better to put women down.. Is he a bigot and a misogynist… a pig…

I looked at his profile and he hides who he is.. no profile pic.. no age or what he is into… or any information to be matter of fact…

only a few groups… and nothing.. except his activity… so definitely a TROLL…. not someone worth worrying about to be sure…. but it galls me… and I know my insiders wanted to rip him a new one… Pandora especially would of wanted to kick the shit out of him if she had been nearby…. people like that just make it harder for more genuine people in the lifestyle… who enjoy BDSM…. did he look at my profile? Maybe he thought it would be fun as he saw that I had put I had Aspergers on there… ? Maybe… I do not know his agenda… and it puzzles me that people can be so cruel… and vindictive to amuse themselves… it is petty … makes me feel perplexed… ehhh…. better to forget and move on I say…

Beautiful

I read an article the other day ‘A sensory world’ by Renata Jurkevythz at the spectrum magazine online…

OMG.. I never thought that the way I looked at the world around me was a symptom of autism… i just thought it was from MPD.. but its not.. I get lost in nature sometimes.. in the beauty around me.. I feel like I am part of everything around me.. getting lost looking at the beauty of dust dancing in the sun-lite… the symmetry of leaves.. the sound of the trees through the branches .. it all distracts me.. I could easily get lost staring and just experiencing everything around me..

This morning I could of cried… the sunrise looked so beautiful… how could this be bad.. how could looking and experiencing the world around us in such a way be a disability….I have always been different… I have always followed my own path… i gave up on fitting in a long time ago…

I love the smells around me… the sounds… the sights… i love touching and feeling things.. especially soft things… I just thought i was normal..lol..

Smells can make me feel sick.. throw up…. especially in the mornings…. always have…

But some smells are like a drug… I could smell them all day especially perfumes and colognes..,,mmmmmm

My mind is my Prison

At times I feel like I am a prisoner in my own head… i crave the company of others, laughter, fun and friendship, even love but then I crave my solitude and being alone… Its a constant fight in my head… When I have had enough of talking online with people I know I just shut down.. I don’t want to talk anymore, I don’t want to have to deal with people and their demands on me… As much as I love chatting with my new friends… all of a sudden its too much… too strenuous… I am too tired or need time alone….

I am struggling this afternoon, today was a good day and then no one is online to talk to… Ruben and Ricky are off doing something… and I am alone… and that is why I am feeling down and alone… and I want to just cry for I feel so lonely and I crave the company of others… but also want to be alone… that is why I want to cry… because I hate feeling like this…. I want to shake the bars of my mind and scream… break them and escape…. run through the long dry grass like I did as a child with no care in the world… barefoot… the summer sun burning down on me…. turning my skin brown as a berry… one with nature… exploring and focusing on the microcosmic word beneath my feet… the ants, scorpions and centipedes… so many of them… hearing the wind in the trees, the sound of the waves crashing on the back beach a distant roar I could hear 24 hours a day….where is that little tomboy now… who climbed pine trees over 20 meters high and would sit right at the top….the wind moving the branches and whispering it would shake me from my perch..

I would spend hours sitting in the trees and daydreaming of another life.. didn’t matter where as long as it was far away from where I was…. when I was 12 I would fantasies about running away to Melbourne and living on the streets… but the fear of the unknown was greater than my fear of staying where I was…..and so I was a prisoner…

 

Autism and BDSM

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I find within the BDSM lifestyle a freedom and confidence I did not have in vanilla.

There is a stigma to being female in society that women should always bend to males opinions and views of how we should act and behave.. a confident outspoken woman is seen as a threat and to be taken down a notch or two in this male orientated world.

There are many societies in ancient times where it was matriarchal and women were revered as the knowledge bearers.

In BDSM being a Mistress I can be myself.. I can be outspoken, confident, speak my mind, be honestly blunt as much as I like and it is just accepted because of the way a Mistress is portrayed in media and porn…and in the lifestyle….

So having Aspergers is actually funnily enough an asset…lol

I don’t have to conform to anyone else’s ideology of what a woman is… I don’t have to act in a vanilla way at all…. and its fucking fantastic…

Just a thought.