My Introduction to DID

For as long as I can remember there was the gallery… a chorus of voices that chatted in the background… discussed what I was doing.. who I was talking to… even commenting on my conversations… things around me…. a constant noise in the back of my head…

When I had meltdowns they would scream and shout at me… voices full of hatred and violence… mostly as a teenager I think when they hated me the most… That was when I dreamed of dying.. .suicide was my constant companion… at times I really thought I was going crazy because of them…

I have no idea how much they influenced my life until they actually started coming out… i do remember at times in my life I was very different… like a butterfly I went from one stage to another…

It wasnt until they came out that I understood why I always heard them…. and my fathers betrayal.

I could never understand how I knew about sex at such an early age… I knew it all by the time I was 6 and I had no idea other children did not know as I did. I remember reading the book “Where did I come from” in the school library and I knew already what it was about…..I was terrified of my father touching me sexually… for as long as I can remember… I hated him touching me…he was not a physical affectionate man so I was glad for that… he was very sarcastic and seemed to enjoy putting my siblings and I down….

I look at photos of when I was little before I was 6 and I see him holding me in his lap… and I never looked happy… I never smiled in the photos… I looked like a solemn little girl… a doll…

He blackmailed me into keeping quiet and my others did the rest… I dont know if it ever would of come out in therapy… I do remember my mother asked me at 15 if I wanted to go and see someone… for my eating habits… but I was terrified… and said no..

Sometimes I wonder what would of happened if I had gone.

So… a lot of things about my insiders and my childhood only came out years later…

like my memory of them saying Goodbye to me when I was 6… Gyle, Mirriam and Goliath… used to look after me when I was little and I was Fifi…. so maybe Fifi is the original little girl and I am the one who came after… because I have no memories before I was 6.

 

 

 

 

Peace

There are days where I want to pour all my thoughts and feelings onto paper and I hope that the yearnings and desires will disappear like water soaking into the ground….

There is so much feeling inside me somedays that I just want to scream into the universe and expel everything that I am into dust… force it out of myself so I can just relax for one second…

I want everything.. all my memories to just be expelled like a super nova and be gone..all the feelings and grief and experiences… just to be gone in a puff of smoke.. I want to feel empty… I want to feel peace… god i want peace… I want to feel what it is like to be at peace.. peaceful.. calm… serene… like a still pond on a hot day… I crave it…

James Vincent McMorrow – Wicked Game

The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you

And I, don’t wanna fall in love
No I, don’t wanna fall in love with you
With you
With you

What a wicked game you play, make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, make me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, never felt that way
What a wicked thing to do, make me dream of you

And I, don’t wanna fall in love
And I, don’t wanna fall in love with you
With you
With you

My world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I’d meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I’d miss somebody like you

And I wanna fall in love
And I wanna fall in love
And I wanna fall in love with you
With you

Nobody loves no one

BDSM

BDSM.jpg

About ten years ago while I was with my ex wife. Both of realised we were very kinky. She wanted to be submissive and asked me to dom her. I was so upset at the thought of hurting her like she wanted me to that I made a personality just for that. Two actually came out to deal with this new crisis for me. I hated seeing anyone in pain and at the time I was a huge softy. So Dom and Beast came out. Dom was in his late forties. He was an old guard dominant. He was very wise and gentle but firm. He knew all her tells and could sense when she went into sub space. He also knew when to bring her out and what to do with every situation that she wanted. Beast on the other hand was full of rage and he was fueled by hunger… a terrible hunger to maim, hurt and even kill. She was into asphyxiation and being choked. She couldn’t get enough of it. Beast used to bite and mark her and he so wanted to take her over the edge until she wasn’t breathing. But Dom controlled him and always pulled him away at the right time. As soon as she felt the breath leaving her body she went floating into sub space. I hated it. I hated that she demanded that of me … of us… I felt ashamed and guilt ridden that I had deliberately made alters for her to use. She was such a narcissistic cow and everything was always about her and what she wanted and like a little slave I would scurry to do her bidding.

Now it is ten years later and I am more experienced and happy in my role as a Mistress. I have a few years experience under my belt and research as well as studying male submissives and slaves. I’m not sure if I would want to live with a partner again…. I like my solitude too much … who knows… maybe a sub or slave will come along and convince me to try 24/7 one day.

I am in the process of chatting with three subs.. all very different.. and all interesting in their own way. I like feminization, humiliation and degradation as well as various other activities within the lifestyle. One is an older male and he is 3 hours away.. he says he is looking for a female led relationship and just wants to please… hmm… he enjoys being humiliated and I like that about him plus he believes in female superiority which as far as Im concerned is a load of bull..lol.. but who am I to tell him he cannot call me Goddess and worship me..lol.. each to their own. The second is a sub with little experience but who is enthusiastic so he says.. he is my own age and he has a daughter who is on the ASD. Shrugs.. he also lives 3 hours away. Too early for anything there. The third is a toilet slave who messaged me today. Also still too early to tell anything. You ask what a toilet slave is.. ? lol.. use your imagination and that will tell you. In the beginning I would have thought as you and said that is disgusting.. but over the years I have become desensitised I think and I even enjoy a little as we say toilet play on my own terms.

The world of BDSM is enormous and I could talk about it all day and still not go over everything there is to know about it. I am still learning and will be learning about it for the rest of my life. I have found my little nitch as you could call it in that I enjoy being a Mistress/Goddess and I have no wish to be anything else or to try what I dont want to try. I have been a submissive and a slave at the start of my journey into this dark world and even though there were aspects of it I enjoyed, the control aspect I did not. I like being the one in control and being in charge of what happens within role play and a scene. I would not have it any other way. I like to verbally humiliate men, I like to sexually torture them which to the unknown novice looks like abuse but it is not especially when the other partner is consenting and that is the key. Both parties have to be consenting to all aspects of the scene as well as it being Safe, Sane and Consensual.

That is the only way I will play or Scene with someone and I don’t play with people who use drugs, or alcohol or are sexually unsafe. It is the way it is supposed to be. It is not all about hitting people with whips and floggers and tying them up..lol

I enjoy the mental aspect of it more than anything else. The power rush I get from having a man within my grasp is amazing. I can do anything to him and he gladly submits because he wants to please me. He wants to feel the pain or pleasure of my touch. He wants to feel the excitement and adrenaline rush that not knowing what I will do to him makes him feel. I love getting inside his head and getting him to tell me all about his fantasies and desires no matter how disgusting or dirty he thinks they are I will draw them out of him one by one and then show him how disgusting and pathetic a creature he is and he will be humiliated and ashamed but he will also be amazingly turned on by this. I can and do edge him for hours until he is virtually in tears either begging me to stop or begging me to let him cum. To get that relief after hours of dripping precum and having cbt done to him. He always has the safe word to fall back on whereby I will immediately stop. But I have never heard it used once. Mistress Carnal one of my alters spent a lot of time teaching me how to tell a lot about a man when he is aroused and about cbt and edging as well as how to get inside the mind of a man. Inside his sexual fantasies. I have the capacity to be whatever a man desires… Im not sure if that is because I can be an excellant actress and mimic or whether from having MPD.

I can and have had men wrapped around my finger. It wasnt a conscious desire that I wanted but a desire to please him and not myself that sent me down that road. I am a people pleaser.

What is more pleasing to a man than being the woman of his fantasies…. So I whored myself to get love for is that not what I was doing?

It took me a while to be conscious that I was doing this. And an even longer time to deliberately stop doing this.

Even with the others gone I can take on the role of a dominant confident goddess with a submissive or slave. At least this I can do well in private.

So.. this is who I am.. I am complicated… I am different…I am a Goddess… I am a Mistress… I am a little girl at the same time as being a grown woman…I am an aspy and a multiple. And I feel so inadequate for this life I have been given.

 

I wish to be a Cloud

fluffy_cloud_by_mangojam95

I wish to be a cloud

Floating up so high

Without a thought

Without a care

High in the sky

Above all the busyness of daily life

The modern world turning beneath me

Oh how I’d die to be so high

A cloud floating in the sky

Soft as a marshmallow

White and fluffy

All my cares and woes forgotten

Filled with sudden bliss I sigh

Happily I fly

Through the Mirror

Most days I feel unconnected to the world around me…like Im the one in the fishbowl and everyone else is on the outside… Inside my head I feel disconnected and alone.

When I feel like this is when I feel most alien… to everything around me… It was different when the others were here…. i could hear them inside my mind.. joking around… chatting.. and I felt a sense of comfort knowing they were there… that I was not truly alone… now they are gone.. and its just me… thinking… feeling depressed…. wondering how I am going to cope now they are gone… Im feeling very down today… not all the time… but it comes and goes… I wonder if I will ever feel happy when Im like this… will I ever have that special someone who wants to be with me and doesnt have an agenda…

My eldest sister said something to me when I saw her a few weeks ago and it has stuck in my head.

Everyone has an agenda … something they want from you… no one is without one… when I meet Grant after that talk… I wondered what his agenda was… what he wanted from me…I know he wanted to fullfill his desires of sexual fantasy… he wanted to have someone love him and accept him for who he is…. he also wanted someone who would live with him and make life easier for him financial wise… I guess everyone compromises in their relationships… the husband goes out to work and the wife gives him sex and children.. looks after the house… and pampers him.. 50s style..

I saw a interview with a jewish rabbi this morning.. and I gather from what he said that someone does not love you for who you are.. they love you for what they have given you… as in they give you there love or a part of them and that part of them they have given you which is then inside you is what they love…

It seems very confusing to me… so people dont love you for who you are… they love you for what you can give them. At least thats what I think..

So.. people love me for what I give them in return.. ehh?

What happened to loving someone because you like them.. but then if I like someone because they make me laugh.. thats doing something for me.. isnt it? and etc.

I am a simple person… if I like someone because they make me laugh and I find them interesting is that bad?

What then is altruistic love?

Noun- Unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others; behavior by an animal that is not beneficial to or may be harmful to itself but that benefits others of its species
Altruistic Love
Also called
Unconditional Love (Agape)
A specific type of love in which care, tenderness, and affection is freely given while expecting nothing in return
“By altruistic love, I mean the kind of love that expects nothing in return, the kind that is given freely and generously with the other person’s good in mind” (Koenig, 2007)

Does anyone even believe in this love anymore?

In today’s society it is all about money and gratuitous sex and “getting somewhere”

Whatever happened to helping others just because we can?

What happened to Love… everyone wants something from you… they might not say it out loud but down the track their actions will speak for them. And they will always show their true colours.

Remembering

My very first memory I have is sitting in a cot. It is white and it has those funny looking soft animals on the inside. I always thought they looked weird and outdated. I am looking from inside my eyes and there are big bright green apple cupboard doors on the wall.

This is like a photo memory. A second of time. I only have a few memories from before we lived in the country. Mum and Dad got their house built when I was about 6.

I don’t remember going to kindergarten at all, not a single memory. I have three memories of living in Mum and Dad’s first house. I don’t know how old I was.

I was sitting in front of the big black and white tv watching Humphrey B Bear and Mum was standing behind me in her dressing gown doing the ironing. That is like a third person snapshot.

The other memory is of my brother pushing me into the bathwater because we were arguing about something and I had this horrible scratchy nightie on that I hated.

Oh I do also remember I had a balloon and my brother convinced me to let it go and he would get it back for me. We shared a room and slept in bunk beds. His was up the top and mine was down the bottom. Of course he would not get the balloon back down for me and I was so upset. He would do things like that all the time but that is for another day to write about.

The second house we lived in was a rental, Mum and Dad were in the process of building a house for us.

This house seemed to be filled with light for me. I don’t know why but I always thought of it as the sunny house. It seems to glow with happiness when I remember it. I only have one memory of living in this house. I went outside to get the milk for Mum. I was so excited and I remember the bottles were very big and hard to hold in my arms and as I got back to the door and I tried to open it the bottles slipped from my arms and smashed on the verandah. Oh I was so devastated, I cried my eyes out I was so disappointed and ashamed that I had broken the bottles. To me it felt like the world was ending and  I remember Mum coming out and picking me up and carrying me back inside.

I have another memory and I don’t remember which house it was in but it was in an old fashioned kitchen and it was sunny outside. I was sitting on the floor with my legs straight out like a little kid sits and there was an open drawer above me and I had a large sharp knife in my left hand and there were little cuts on my knees. It is like a photo image and I can see myself from behind. I have always thought this a very strange memory as I had no idea what I was doing for many years but I will come back to that at another time as well.

The second rental house that we lived in when I was little was a fibro house. It had no garden and no fences it just sat on a small block of land with large pine trees behind it all in a row. Huge trees they were. I guess that is why I used to think of it as “The Dark House”. For many years I did not know why but I only remember this house from a snapshot memory of it like a photo.

My memories really begin in the main house. My parents bought 7 acres off my paternal grandfather out the back of Rosebud on the Mornington Peninsula in Victoria, Australia.  The suburb was called Rye. It was mainly just empty acres of land with farms and bushland. It had a very long driveway from the road and my parents built the house on a hill overlooking the property. They did a lot of the inside work, flooring, kitchen, Dad built a bar and Mum did all the curtains, painting, wallpaper and carpet in the bedrooms. A friend of theirs was a bricklayer and he did a lot of the work.

We lived in this house from when I was 6 to when I was 17. I remember Mum and Dad’s bedroom was down one end of the house and our bedrooms were down the other. Im sure that also was deliberate. Having 4 children all from the age of 12 to 6 can get noisy I guess.

We were good kids from what I can remember. We had the normal fights and arguments I guess. My two older sisters were closer in age than my brother and I. They had shared a room until this house and my brother and I shared a room as well. The dynamics changed once we moved into this house as my brother got his own room and I shared with my sisters in one big room. I hated it. It was a big oblong room and I had the middle part and my sisters had each end. I hated how open it was. It had large built in wardrobes and I remember one time hiding in my section as I was scared. I had no idea what of.